Getting cold feet

[BeckyNW]

We are in that little hiatus period in Stage 2 where we've completed all our training and home study, and are waiting for our PAR to be written and approval panel next month.

Now it's all getting real. Our SW brought profiles of children to our final session and I felt no emotional connection to any of the children.

We are being offered exchange days, activity days, linkmaker access... and I'm not rushing to do any of them.

I know we are both stressed out with the demands of the process along with having a load of building work on our house, but we are both starting to wonder if we want to adopt at all. We are confident we'd be OK parents, but do we want all that comes with it?

For the record it's always been me who's more enthusiastic; DH was quite happy to stay child free and was surprised when I changed my mind at 38. Now we both go through periods of thinking how fab it would be to share our lives with LOs and times when we don't see the point.

Anyone else been here before? How can we decide what to do when it's a permanent, life changing decision either way?

It's completely and utterly normal to have these wobbles. You wouldn't be human if you didn't question the momentous, life-changing thing that's in front of you.

Only you can decide, of course. But I think it boils down to two questions - do I want to be a parent? And do I want to be a parent to children who may bring some additional issues?

I think you'll need to I pick your reaction to the profiles a bit. It could be that seeing 'real life children' has given you a bit of a jolt and that's worth exploring. And at the same time, there's nothing wrong with not having an instant emotional connection to a child. We didn't to our DD on paper, and she's the most amazing child in the entire universe, as it turns out.

Good luck.

Sorry, that's unpick your reaction...

May be you are a little hesitant and unsure how a child would effect everything not unnatural, may be you need too be around children more
go too the links , meetings , perhaps without a fixed commitment and open minded , Discuss different approaches' . Fostering , Rest bite, short break care, Fostering too adopt.
They may be would mention other short introductions too child care.

Personally I'd second fasparent comments about being around kids to see how you feel. Only you can decide. I don't think anyone can talk you into it. It is scary. We do all have our wobbles. It is life changing.

Good luck in your decision making.

I had several massive wobbles. I did not feel any emotional connection to my daughters profile. I looked at her profile logically. It would be nice to believe the fairytales of “I just saw the profile and fell in love” but it simply isn’t true for most people. Most people get cold feet, we also loved many aspects of our childless life! We had made the best of things, enjoyed our freedom etc.
2years in and I still miss many aspects of life without children, but she has genuinely enriched my life. We will probably only have one child as we feel that balance is better for us. No regrets, DD is amazing 😀

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The adoption process is a very unsettling and emotional time.

I had cold feet but went along on the rollercoaster, and like Womble had no emotional connection to AD’s profile, just had no reason to say no.

So we went ahead and I felt wobbles all the way through introductions, I would have given anything to stop at that point but felt it was too late, no concrete reasons as to why it didn’t feel right and I couldn’t do it to my husband, our family and the foster family and the little girl we were adopting (although she was too young to understand).

I ended up not bonding, suffering post adoption depression and 3 years in (fake it until you make it) I still don’t feel as connected as I should be.
She has attachment issues and rejected me for at least the first year, which only compounded my feelings of failure for not feeling like her mum and loving her like I should.

If you don’t feel right for whatever reason, I would wait. I wish I had. I just kept hoping it would kick in and be ok in the end.

I’m sure most adopters will not have had this experience and have bonded beautifully, no regrets. But not me and I wish I’d listened to my instincts.

Thank you for posting such a thoughtful and, I imagine, difficult post, @Goldiehawnoverboard

I think what has been shown, in just a few posts, is that experiences vary greatly.

I think my wobbles came abut on the way stages of matching but were so minor they did not bother me greatly.

Maybe having a birth child already for us meant this would not necessarily be so different. It has been a bit different but has also worked well.

I think you can afford to go slow now as you have not made a link with any child yet.

Goldiehawn thanks for such an honest post, PAD is awful. Have you been able to access support for all of you? Perhaps theraplay?

I likened it to pregnancy, as I've been through both. In mid to late pregnancy, the idea that I'd be allowed to take home a baby to care for was hilariously ridiculous, and clearly never going to happen. And neither was a human being coming via my vagina, either. Our BC was on NICU, and I found bonding difficult. I had big wobbles in the adoption process, too, but the emotions, and enormity of what you're doing is not dissimilar. In the end, it was not having a good reason to say no at each small step, so staying on the path. I had huge wobbles after DC came home, and felt we'd never bond. Nothing is final until the adoption order goes through. TBH, I still felt doubtful when we put in the ao application. But things got better, and now I couldn't imagine the DC anywhere else.

What I'm trying to say is, wobbles are normal, and lots of the feelings and problems can occur with BC, too, although adoption adds complexity and strain. You can take things as slow as you need to, to process each stage. However, as Goldie pointed out, there are wobbles, and there are alarm bells, and sometimes external support, such as counselling, can help with that?

Goldie, PAD is so rotten, for all of you. It's so common, though, and I wish there was more awareness/understanding. Are you/do you get support? Hope things look up for you soon.

I’d echo what thomas says. There are wobbles and then there are alarm bells. Trust your gut instinct. Also, as others have said you can slow the process down at this stage, or at any other until you’ve been matched when it seems the process suddenly moves lightening fast.

Fwiw I did feel ‘drawn’ to my DD’s profile when I first read it but I think that sort of slightly ‘woo’ response is in my nature to be honest. I was anxious about matching and becoming her mum but I don’t remember having any of the wobbles you’re talking about, and yet despite feeling 100% sure I was doing the right thing the first few months were really tough, and there have been plenty of other tough times over the years.

It’s really hard to know whether you’re doing the right thing or not. For the record I think it was the right thing for me and DD but it was still tough. I think listen to yourself and be brave enough to hear what your gut instinct is telling you (whatever that might be).

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

That waiting period is horrible - I hated that stage of the process and had lots and lots of wobbles. For a while I really needed to just back off and not be engaged in any adoption things and took about 4 months out immediately following approval. I had a bereavement during that time which I needed to heal from but I’m any event I would have needed the space just to adjust to the idea that someone actually agreed to give me children.

Once we were ready to pick back up again the linking and matching process was quite quick for us. 9 months in I’m still not sure I’m in love like mummy love, but I wouldn’t be without them. I miss my old life very much, but love my new life too.

I think it’s such a huge change it’s natural to have pause for thought, only you know if your feelings are more than wobbles, but it sounds so normal to me.

In your shoes, I’d go to panel, get approved and then pause for a bit. Take a break, take a holiday, try to remember who you are and why you’re doing this, see how you feel.

We wobbled right up til we met DC and even beyond (but we’d decided in our heads we had a get out right until they’d heard about us).

Sounds like you need a holiday and to just focus on something else for a while. It is such a strange process - when I first heard about my son over the phone my first reaction was fearful, I decided to find out more and then when I read his CPR I felt excited but then when I actually met him for the first time at introductions I felt nothing, a few weeks in I realised I loved him (and that has grown and grown).

For me I could not bear the thought of not being a parent. I became a Mum about 3.5 years ago and for me it has definitely been the best of times and the worst of times. I have never felt such happiness or such anxiety (heightened I think because my son has significant health problems and disabilities). It was definitely the right decision for me but it's certainly not an easy life.

Take care of yourselves and good luck

We just went with the flow, filled in the paperwork, had our meetings, had a loft conversion done (10 week project) and then went to panel. After approval panel we thought we'd be excited to get that 'yes' but both felt a bit deflated. It sounds horrible, but you go through months and months of getting to that point and we just didn't feel anything. Then a week after panel we got an email about a possible match, and we went from deflated to 'SHIT, this could be happening, like now, we're not prepared, what are we going to do?!?!' (which we have calmed down about now!).
I think the whole journey is a roller-coaster of emotions, and it's a long process with a lot of ups and downs, but maybe get to panel, get approved and take a break (if you want to). You also don't have to go with the first child/children you get matched with if it doesn't feel right, and you can take a break after approval panel for 6 months (I think?).

I think I had wobbles before our second. Sort of “Life is great with big boy, why on earth are we risking all that happiness and such a good thing?” We cracked on because we wanted a second child and felt it was the right thing for our family and so far it has been great.

I would echo what everyone has said- get approved and take your time with matching.

Thanks everyone, your thoughts and experiences are very welcome. Good point about wobbles vs alarm bells, I will try and be mindful of that. I think you guys are right about getting through panel then seeing how things feel. Might as well get approved now we've come this far - I don't want to go through all the training and home study again! I like the idea of a holiday too, Easter is coming up and that's a great opportunity. I'm not sure why our SW is going so fast with matching, maybe we have given her the impression that we want it that way. We'll have a meeting regarding family finding strategy soon, so we can clarify then that we would like to take it slower and no need to work to any kind of deadline.

I imagine she’ll be thinking that now you’re coming up to panel it’s good to start thinking about actual children possibly because linking and matching can take a really long time. Try not to expect to feel anything about seeing kids profiles - keeling a level head can be a good thing because it stops to agreeing to a match that maybe doesn’t meet your matching criteria.

Good to get through panel and see what happens, apart from anything else I imagine you’re s bit weary.

We definitely had wobbles at various points. Times when we (I) just wondered what the hell we were thinking to the point of almost giving up. And often the momentum was what kept us going rather than anything else. We almost stopped in our tracks a few weeks ago after our match suddenly became a lot more realistic & scary. But here we are, less than a week from matching panel, and all doubts have completely faded. Never felt so sure or so excited about adopting our LOs. Cannot wait for them & the big scary life change that they're bringing!

Will let you know how it unfolds but I personally felt relieved to hear about your doubts (and everyone else's in this thread) so thanks for asking a frank question & giving ppl the chance to let us all know it's totally normal!

Preparing ourselves for the worst but expecting the best & Keeping our fingers crossed - TIA (this is adoption)

We've been 3yrs almost and now have been matched with a LO & panic has set in!!! My husband is now 51 & has started to question if he is too old, when or if he will be able to retire & really why are we changing an already great life? We went in to this wanting the same outcome but now it's here there seems to be no joy only panic & worry about what is to come. The LO we have been matched with is everything & more we asked for so why do we want to run for the hills?? I too now it is be overall think can I do this, do I even want to? Yes friends say you've had a great life so far but something was missing - children. The little one has now been told about us and intros put in place & still half of me wants to run away!!!! I feel as well I am making my husband lead a life he just doesn't want & how is that fair?? But now how could we walk away?? Help!,

Deep breath Piggly. If it helps there is probably not an adoptive parent alive who didnt feel like this at times.
I am a foster carer and always wanted to adopt and we adopted a child who was already with us. I wanted it more than anything and yet i still felt the panic at times. I wouldnt change it for the world now. It was absolutely right for us all.
It is a big step so natural to worry you are doing the right thing imo. Good luck with intros x

I think that’s fair enough at this stage - you do need to acknowledge that with “everything you’ve ever wanted” comes the loss of what you have now, which has been really good. If it’s any consolation my DH and I are older with relatively recently placed DC and honestly, they do fill the gap in what was an otherwise lovely life - but I really really needed to mourn my old life before I could see that.

How old is your little one?

It’s unlike anything else in the world, isn’t it, and as amazing as adoption is, it isn’t the natural order of how we were originally intended to meet our children. You don’t have the nine months of pregnancy with this specific child, they don’t arrive as a tiny unformed little person (usually), there’s all the fear around early life trauma and damage etc.

It’s a little bit like being given a handful of online dating profiles except instead of agreeing to a date, you have to decide which one to marry from the sheet of paper in front of you.

What I’m trying to say is: it’s an imperfect system doing the best it can but it is MASSIVE and of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed at times. It’s ok to let yourself have those days.

Good luck though. I have a feeling you’re going to be just fine

piggy " feel as well I am making my husband lead a life he just doesn't want & how is that fair?? But now how could we walk away?? Help!"

If this is what you want, and you walk away it may well damage your relationship irrevocably.

Your husband has had plenty of time to voice his 'fears'. Please do not walk away unless it is totally what you want.

Jitters are normal. If this is really wrong then of course speak up. But do not back out based on age. 51 is nothing. I adopted at 49. My son is AMAZing

Ps we were akso older when we adopted. We are 54 and 53 with a 3 yr old as .

@Goldiehawnoverboard I was in your position, DS didn't want to bond with me, wouldn't make eye contact, cried etc and I found it really difficult to bond with him. Partly because of his reaction to me and partly becasue I was shocked that I didn't get this instant falling in love feeling that every adoption blog I'd ever read portrayed.

As a result I was much more honest (though not completely as I was aware DS could one day read it) in my blog and I can't tell you how many emails I got from adopters (and borth paretns!) who were too ashamed to admit it publicly!

I took a decision to go ahead with the adoption knowing that I may never bond in the way I wanted to with DS but promised myslef that whatever happened I would give him the best life I could.

In the end it worked out fine and at some point in that first year I went from apathy to love. So I was lucky.

It would be worth researching a bit on what to do to promote bonding with an older child. Plenty of childre are adopted at 3+ so it must be possible to bond, so please don't lose hope.

OP - good advice to go ahead with panel and take a break. On the (many) occasions I wobbled I thought about what I wanted from life and it always revolved around having my own family. Try to see the longer term picture and work out what you actually want. You have time to think this through, though in my (limited) experience, you either want it enough or you don't. If you don't want it enough you won;t get past the hurdles that naturally crop up.

Why don't you wait and see how you deal with real hurdles when they come (rather than cold feet at the thought of it moving from imaginary perfect child to real imperfect child!). I didn;t know quite how much I wanted it until one of the hurdles I faced make it seem like it really woulnd;t happen and I felt panic rather than relief.

@kewcumber I would be really interested to read your blog if you don’t mind sharing it?

OP how are you?