Matching panel gone wrong

[user1493292590]

Hi, am after any advice on what has just happened to us. We attended matching panel only for it to be deferred with a yes but some issues that need clearing up.
The problem is that 2 or these issues completely change what we thought about this child. If we were aware we would never have carried on with enquiries.
It seems that some points were never raised with us. I am shattered, I feel a complete failure and don't really know what to think.
It all seems a bit of a shambles to be honest. Prior to this, the meeting with a medical advisor was a joke. She didn't know child and only made an effort to read up on him 5 mins before we turned up.
None of the social workers for the child could really answer, not sure what our social worker thinks at all. Not much feedback given other than she said that she didn't think I was certain anyway. This is the only time that I have had no doubts only worries about am I doing right thing, how will I deal with 2 children. Natural thought in these circumstances.
I sat there crying my eyes out infront of everyone they must think I am a mad woman.
I have my own birth child in all this to think of. Was very nervous before panel. I think the realism was starting to kick in.
We don't understand how a panel of people can apparently read info that we have and come to different conclusions. We are being told that they don't know anymore than we do. Am struggling to believe that. This has now cast a lot of doubt in our minds.
Maybe we have been very naive in all of this. We have waited so so long and I don't know how many more let downs I can take.

User so sorry to read this.

You are right in thinking medical advisor should know the child and have done the medical lac reviews. Something has gone wrong there.
What are the other issues that you wouldnt have gone ahead with? Medical also?
Are the panel picking up on your anxiety and thinking we shouldnt be going ahead....or are panel saying another issue entirely? Sorry its a little hard to follow.
Sending support...if you want expand further. But either way it can be cruel....

So sorry this has happened. Matching should be an exciting time but this sounds dreadful. In my opinion the worst thing you can do is take a child home when your not sure your doing the right thing. A placement disruption would be awful for the child and for your family. I'd try to get some more information on the two issues before making a final decision.

OP - we are much earlier in the process than you, but still want to send support...

@user1493292590 sorry OP this sounds very hard.

May I ask how old your birth child is and how old new possible child is, please?

Thankyou to all of you for your support. The 2 issues raised are FAS (we were not aware of this) and second a mild learning disability (not such an issue as we knew it may present itself in future. @Italiangreyhound my birth child is 9 and potential adoptive child will be 16 months
There has never been any mention through this whole process of any concerns over FAS at all. It really does change a lot. I can feel it all slipping away.

User i'm so sorry to read that.
I parent 2 with FAS. it is hard work - and i knew pre-adoption.

There are several current threads on FAS that may be worth a read.

Obviously you have a lot of thinking to do, but reading between your lines, you may well have decided already that you cannot adopt this baby?

Is your sw supporting you? I hope so. Tough times for you & your family.

@user1493292590 my dd was 9 when ds came aged three. He is very bright and as far as we know no FAS. But there seems to be the possibility his birth mum might have drunk in pregnancy.

I know for us FAS was something we were very concerned about.

Is FAS a definite no no for you?

You say the learning difficulties were not unexpected. So presumably they are not such a big issue.

My birth dd has dyslexia and also possible ASD. This was not known about until she was about 8, for sure, in fact ASD assessment is on going.

Can I ask how you feel and what you want to do? Or is it too early to say?

The crying is normal. It is hugely stressful, your responses are totally normal.

"Maybe we have been very naive in all of this. We have waited so so long and I don't know how many more let downs I can take."

Be strong. You can decide, together with your dh/dp (if you are adopting as a couple) if it is too much.

Could you wait for FAS assement and effectively 'walk away' if you choose to.

This is something non adopters can find very hard to get their heads around. The idea that when we say yes to a child we are totally committed, but before we say yes we are not committed. As a birth patent too it's a different thing, I knew from the moment of pregnancy this was it.

But with ds we made a logical decision based on what we could handle. Ironically, so far, he is less hassle than our birth dd!

So not proceeding is an option, isn't it? No one would blame you.

You can only do what you can do.

If you choose to walk away from this particular adoption could you try and be matched with another child?

If you felt you could handle the uncertainties if this particular child, would social services support you to go forward with this child?

It is terrible that information was missing, paediatric doctor didn't know the child etc, all utterly crap. I am so sorry.

I do hope you can find a way through this.

Would professional counselling help you find the way forward?

The whole parenting thing can be hugely stressful. Please look after yourself.

In answer to your questions I am not sure what to do. They have said they will do another medical and we can decide after that. So we will wait to see the outcome. I need answers to questions which I intend to get. The family finder who wasn’t at panel should be ringing me this week. The social worker for the child is new and learning and didn’t seem to know much. My social worker had very little to say. So no support there.
It is so hard. We have waited the best part of 3 years as approved adopters with lots of let downs. If this doesn’t work out I think we will walk away from the whole thing and that is so upsetting. I am nearly 50, husband 53.
FAS was something we didn’t really want in a child. The learning difficulties we were ok with. The problem with that is we were told no learning difficulties at the moment but panel said the child has mild learning difficulties. I think a lot of the worry is what else aren’t they telling us. They gave made us suspicious

Hi OP;
The same thing happened to me, went to matching panel, they deferred because of some "concerns" we were assured they weren't anything serious but they wanted a therapeutic input for the child then out of the blue the childs SW team decided to pull out, no explanations nothing, we had to really pressure them for a reason and even then they just sent a letter saying they understood how upsetting it was but they'd decided and that was it. I really do think there should be some independent body that they are required to justify such decisions to. I can't offer any guidance other than take a bit of time to digest it all and then try to objectively (Impossible I know) see if it was a good match knowing what you know now, also better to find out now before placement than to discover it later and have to deal with it then.

What is is about FAS that makes you worried? The biggest problem with FAS is usually learning difficulties so if you are ok with that i'm curious as to what 'bit' of FAS you feel you are not ok with.
Our pre-schooler with FAS has learning difficulties and speech delay as the biggest problems. But also swallow problems, eye issues, hand/feet problems and behavioural issues. It is the learning difficulties that are the most difficult at present - the other stuff is managable if not treatable.
Our baby is more severely affected and has major medical issues....but if that was going to be a problem with your prospective child it would have emerged by now at 16 months.
I am glad they are doing another medical....in my exerience to get a FAS diagnosis a child needs to be seen by genetics team - not just 1 doctor. They must have a genetic blood test to exclude other things - the results take minimum 6 weeks in the lab to process, and then they must be seen by a consultant geneticist to be diagnosed FAS if appropriate. It is not a quick diagnosis. Sorry if that if not what you wanted to hear, but thought maybe you hadnt been informed of the FAS process 😕.
I hope you get some answers from SW soon.

FASD and FAS is a term used as an Umbrella for conditions that may effect a child who has been effected with alcohol related neurological
conditions . Unfortunately becomes a development issue is no direct science as and how child will be effected, hence some say this and that fits my child and can complicate diagnosis ( think many professionals would be reluctant still too be cautious too stigmatise a child and may give a alternative related diagnosis ) There would be children which would be defiantly be effected as in birth (FAS) like ours weighed in at
1lb 12oz. with multiple problems. is Now an Adult and doing well
drives, works, has her own house, can not say outcome would be the same, but have too be positive from the outset.
Would air with an open mind and possability's

Hi we have just adopted , the whole process is tiring but just think things happen for a reason & if it's meant to be it will, that's how I looked at things .

Just stay strong it's takes over your life 100%, a good bit of advice ....... enjoy your time child free and get plenty of sleep because when there moved in it's a completely different life , COMPLETELY..... I wouldn't change it for the world but I wish I just relaxed on lead up to panel and intros as you won't get time too lol x

I'm sorry this has been handled so very badly. Your SW totally should be there to support you and champion your voice through this - I am sorry you've been left so isolated. Do you have a good friend you can talk to? The Adoption UK helpline might also be able to offer listening and advice.

The likely reality with adopting any child is that further needs will come out as you go along, more so when the child is very young at the point of adoption. I hope the proper thorough medical assessment gives you a much clearer picture, of the current needs and possible future support needs for this child. We all have our different things we wouldn't feel able to cope with and no-one will judge you for that -although many people find they end up handling far more than they thought they could cope with! But at your stage, all of us have to trust the reports we're given - and when they are shown to be flawed, it is huge.

Try to take care of yourselves as the situation sinks in, it's a very big thing you're going through.

OP thanks for your responses. I hope you have some in your social circle friends who can support you.

Please lean on us if we can help.

I think you can rest assured that other adopters will not judge you if you choose to 'walk away' or if you choose to proceed.

I was scared of FAS, and of autism.

Ironically, our birth dd is most likely on the spectrum and gives us more trouble than our adopted son!

There are times, as a parent, I want to walk out the door and not come back! I'd like to ship dd off to some sort of 'boarding school' ! Yet when an offer of respite care came along my first thought was whether it would be good for my kids. Thoughts of myself out the window!

I am babbling, I guess I am saying we will support you whatever you do.

Get all your facts together, go slow. Decide when ready.

Is your dh/dp supportive or are you adopting alone?

How is your 9 year old coping?

Huge hugs and a demand you look after yourselves. Healthy, tasty food, fresh air, light on the alcohol, early nights, you need to be fighing fit whatever you choose.

yes absolutely no judgement here - its good to have a neutral sounding board. I hope your friends/family can support you too.

we were very open to any child - and did not tick no to disabilities of any kind. however, we did let our sw know we didn't feel I could cope with 1 specific 'thing'. Lo and behind several of our children now have that specific 'thing'...and it has driven me loopy! - including our birth child LOL

so sometimes no matter what, things unfold in the weirdest ways....

whatever you choose to do, you can sound off here - and talk through your thoughts.

No real knowledge,
but first
and second, do not let yourselves be 'bounced' into either continuing or pulling out.
You have your reasons why FAS was a 'no', so you will have to think really hard, best wishes whatever you decide.

At least this has come out now and not during introductions.

Hi Op, so sorry you've been through this horrendous experience, and on top of that are having to make decisions at a time when your resources are depleted. I wonder if it might be easier to try to address things separately?

1. The experience of matching panel was unexpected and traumatic - no wonder you were sobbing your eyes out. We had something similar at approval panel, and were effectively abandoned by our SW, and left to pick up the pieces on our own. It was eventually resolved, but it was horrendous going through it. Be gentle on yourselves, and don't belittle what you've gone through.
2. The trust that you had in the process or the people involved has been rocked, which may leave you feeling isolated and not sure who you can trust. Think about who you can turn to in real life, and, as other posters have commented, use us as a sounding post.
3. As others have posted, FAS is an umbrella term, and there's no straightforward relationship between diagnosis and outcome. If you can, try to pinpoint what it was about FAS that made you tick that no box. Don't be pressurised into saying yes, but equally try to make an informed decision, by getting as much information as possible. Again, we had something similar, not FAS, but something that was revealed on the day of placement, and was only confirmed weeks later - SWs and Foster carer said they did not know. Again, it all worked out in the end, but it was a traumatic time. If your SW is being useless, can you contact his/her manager? This should be something they need to follow up on quickly.

This sucks, and I'm feeling so angry on your behalf.

It all seems to have been handled v badly. What a traumatic experience. At both my panel’s there was a box of tissues placed in front of me - and that was when it was all plain sailing, so I wouldn’t feel worried about that.

I did tick FAS/FASD as something I did not think I would choose to cope with - but as time goes on it seems increasingly likely that my son has been affected by alcohol/drugs/medication in utero. It was behavioural issues I was most concerned with. My son was eighteen months at placement and I knew there was high likelihood of learning disabilities (he was classed as globally developmentally delayed at the time).

I hope that you get a clearer picture from the new medical. Good luck.

16 months is early to be diagnosed with learning difficulties as opposed to developmental delay so I’d definitely want some clarity about how/why this was diagnosed. Agree with poster up thread about getting genetics done.
How destabilising for you, I’m so sorry this happened.

Total agree with Chinny our DD has a brain injury at age 3 months is now 3. resulted in very severe Development delays has a brilliant team
of support and is making a good recovery in all areas, all predictions so far have been surpassed , Too early too diagnose anything for certain but will be some disability , (her condition is akin too brain injury as is FAS) all we can hope is the outcome will be more positive .
Love her too bits smiley and very happy and a very very brave little girl

I am overwhelmed by everyone’s support. Thankyou, this seems the only place to turn to.
FAS is something we are not sure about. I think more than anything they have cast suspicion and doubt over the whole thing. I am not sure what to do. I am trying to be logical and think everything through but I am hurting as we have gone through a lot (as have most of you) and have been on this path for over2 years. We have said if this doesn’t work then it’s time to say goodbye to adoption mainly because of our ages, husband 53, i am 49 and I don’t think I can let go. I am waiting to hear from the family finder tomorrow as to what she has to say. I feel lost

I would be v wary of calling a halt if this doesnt work out. You are understandably hurt and distressed by this turn of events and now is not the time to make a big decision imo. You have come so far and may regret the decision and then it will be too late to change it. . You can still stay in the process and keep your options open so i would think about it when things have settled if this turns out to be the wrong match.
I am not minimising your experience btw as i had several devastating losses along the way and it was like the end of the world at the time. But we got there in the end and our lttle one is just perfect for us.
And we are also older adoptors ( age 54 and 53 with a 3 yr old ).
I really hope things are not as bad as you fear and that it works out for you. Hang in there and dont despair. P,ease keep us updated if you can and the v best of luck x

I too would be wary of making a quick decision to halt if it doesn't work out.
You would need time to 'grieve' for the 'loss' of the child you thought you were getting, but you may feel differently in 3 months time.

One thing you may want to consider if you don't proceed with this match. Would a slightly older child (but still preschool, so maybe age 3-4) come with less developmental uncertainty which you might find easier?

Agee be cautious, of the many many baby's and children we have fostered over our 40 years and have moved on fasd and fas has always
been controversial for the many who may have been subject too possible exposure to high risk, most have been unfounded some have siblings with fas fasd and not been effected..
There is no direct science will effect a few but not others , but some may have issues as they get older.
Our last baby would have thought very high risk but was perfect, some times drug and alcohol combined can confuse the issues. as does
history;
wish you all the best which ever way you decide difficult I know,