Matching panel gone wrong

[user1493292590]

Hi, am after any advice on what has just happened to us. We attended matching panel only for it to be deferred with a yes but some issues that need clearing up.
The problem is that 2 or these issues completely change what we thought about this child. If we were aware we would never have carried on with enquiries.
It seems that some points were never raised with us. I am shattered, I feel a complete failure and don't really know what to think.
It all seems a bit of a shambles to be honest. Prior to this, the meeting with a medical advisor was a joke. She didn't know child and only made an effort to read up on him 5 mins before we turned up.
None of the social workers for the child could really answer, not sure what our social worker thinks at all. Not much feedback given other than she said that she didn't think I was certain anyway. This is the only time that I have had no doubts only worries about am I doing right thing, how will I deal with 2 children. Natural thought in these circumstances.
I sat there crying my eyes out infront of everyone they must think I am a mad woman.
I have my own birth child in all this to think of. Was very nervous before panel. I think the realism was starting to kick in.
We don't understand how a panel of people can apparently read info that we have and come to different conclusions. We are being told that they don't know anymore than we do. Am struggling to believe that. This has now cast a lot of doubt in our minds.
Maybe we have been very naive in all of this. We have waited so so long and I don't know how many more let downs I can take.

How awful for you - I don’t have anything really to add to what’s been said other than we’re older adopters (47 and 51 with now 5 and 6 year old DC). Older children do come with less uncertainty and our two are fabulous, if this match doesn’t work out it may be worth keeping an open mind about looking at older kids.

I really agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders

We adopted a 3 year old when dd was 9. The big age gap helps us focus on individual needs but it also means the kids interests are not the same. When ds first came they did share some films/tv shows etc. It's harder now (at 13 and 7) to find similar interests.

Good luck, keep talking if it helps.

Agree with flapjackfairy about not exiting the process unless you are really sure you want to.

Like jelly as well we were older adopters. I was 49 when ds came aged 3.

What a horrible situation to be in, I quite understand why you would be crying about it

Take your time, let the emotions settle a bit. The think through what your concerns are about FASD specifically if that is the main issue here.

Unfortunately many (most?) children placed for adoption will have a mother who drank alcohol/used drugs to some extent. The degree to which any child is/ isn't affected will vary hugely.

Like any 'condition' the support sites will be full of the worse cases because they need the most support. I am a member of several FASD Facebook pages, but rarely post (except to encourage and support) because DD is minimally affected and incredibly 'easy' compared to what some others face. No-one knows how much her mother drank during pregnancy, but she was certainly drinking every day soon after and died of alcohol-related disease in her 30s (was mid-20s when DD was born). So DD was very high risk.

However, she's cognitively OK, difficulties with impulse control, emotional regulation and focus/attention, but nothing that is too problematic at home. Problems at school because they are rigid and old fashioned and have got her into such a state of anxiety - but that's another story!

Every prospect (at 11) of staying in mainstream schooling, getting some qualifications, living independently, having positive friendships, holding down a job and relationship in the future.

Just as importantly, lovely to be with - loving, funny, relaxed, interesting (why is her favourite word!), definitely quirky but in a way that is very lovable (not just by her Mum!)

A 7 year age gap is a good one - your birth child will be heading for more teen independence and will be physically much bigger and stronger. But of course, if there are major problems they will be affected by having less of your time and energy.

The trouble with FASD is you just don't know how it will go. So yes, it is a risk. Only you can say whether you can accept the risk in this particular case.

Take your time and don't be pressured, do what is right for you. No-one here will judge either way

@Allington that is a fabulous post.

How are you feeling?. I've just been filling in the DLA form for dd who has FAS - and FASD is classed by them as being a learning disability.
Our dd (2)is a joy. There are lots of challenges and the impulsiveness is exhausting. But i wouldn't be without her. Although we've found it hard at times. Time with our ds (8) has suffered - we've learnt we have to ruthlessly carve up our time and stick to a timetable of family time, couple time, me with ds, dh with ds etc etc.
Agree that fasd fb pages can be scary - although the younger the kids are and the more immediately you therapeutically parent consistently does seem to have an effect. It's distressing how little support and information kinship carers seem to get.

Sorry just to add - do what's right for you. Don't put too much store on the medical report tho - they are very unlikely to be able to give any definites at this stage.
For us it was helpful to go thru worse case scenario - dd never being able to live independently and could we/did we want that. A very different retirement to our friends when the time came. How would we stop ds feeling obligated to be a carer later on etc.

Hi OP,
I agree that you need to think through exactly what it is about FAS that worries you. I’m always careful not to go into specifics online but we ticked a box for a condition that we would not have. When our match with our child was made, her birth father had this condition. She showed no signs of it but obviously was a high risk. She is nearly 3 and no sign still but I know it may come later.
My initial reaction to that first phone call about my daughter was “No way.” My husband told me to think it through. We proceeded enough to find out her full details etc and this helped to calm some of my fears.

We are now two years in. At the moment she is developing normally but I know now in my heart that whatever the future for her holds, I love the very bones of her. She is my daughter, no matter what. If this condition rears it’s head she will still be our beautiful girl.

What I’m saying is my initial reaction was absolutely not but once I processed my fears and looked at other aspects of the match, I felt more confident that it was just such a brilliant match in every way apart from this condition. I don’t regret it.

Nobody will judge you on here, we all know our limits and the boxes we ticked. Take time to research and think while investigations happen.
Thinking of you