Not how we planned it - feeling sad

[Ooogetyooo]

We adopted our ds14 as a baby, with high hopes full of naivety that love and good intentions not to mention a nurturing environment would conquer all. Have been trailing over threads on here where so many adopters are starting out on the road and I just find myself wanting to tell them don't do it, which sounds awful I know. Our DS behaviour can be challenging and we don't live a normal life, we are currently receiving therapy and support but it's not enough. Just feeling a bit sad and resentful and sorry for myself.

I don't think many people on this board are expecting things to go easy. The only personal experiences I had of adoption before looking into it for myself was 3 cousins who all ended up back in the care system after a breakdown in placement and 3 sisters that DH knew who at some point were all back in foster care and have very turbulent lives.
I am sorry things are a difficult for you right now.

I’m sorry too. I share some similar
feelings as you - except that my children are my biological children - there are no guarantees. We are
all naive when we start on the journey aren’t we? Things don’t necessarily turn out as we hope and in my view nature is very much more powerful than nurture.

It's ok to sometimes wallow in 'This isn't the life I ordered!' Adoption tends not to be the life anyone ordered, or was the first choice, for any involved, and the taint of that sadness runs through every family touched by it.

I don't think it's proof that 'blood will out' or 'nature over nurture' or any other trite phrase people use. But sitting and saying 'This isn't what I imagined when I thought I'd get married, and have kids, and live happily ever after!' is necessary sometimes, and it's better to feel those emotions, and see them, and deal with them.

The truth is, no one gets the life they wanted, or very few people. You're hitting a really hard bit of the life you've been given, and that is painful and difficult, and especially at this time of year, it jars against what it looks like everyone else has.

People who have everything smooth are generally dreadfully dull. I bet you're really interesting! If a bit tired and sad just now. There's nothing wrong with a chunk of feeling sorry for yourself, from time to time.

I hope things feel lighter soon.

Give yourself a break op he is a teenager. Things may be so very different in a few years. Thank you so much for your honesty though it is definitely not all hearts and flowers....

I think that we know far more now about the kind of needs an adopted child may have and how to look after them, or at least, the research is available, and the problem is that the information is not getting to the people who need it, the parents.

OP if you wanted to talk about some specifics, people may have ideas, if you wanted that, you never know!

I don't believe that nature overrides nurture, I think it is very often the opposite, but it is more difficult if you don't know about the biological background.

Did you see this thread OP?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3118762-Parents-of-adopted-teens-this-way

Maybe someone there has something useful/comforting for you.

Have you tried the Therapeutic Parenting Facebook group?

I think a lot of people feel this about children, biological or not. I hope you feel better about things soon op.

I think these children, even those removed as babies, are so very damaged. Latest research suggests the stress in the uterus seriously affects them, in addition to the nature/nurture debate.
I’m sitting here waiting for police to return my adopted dds, 16 and 13, after they ran away again. They’re on their way back after being found in the nearest city, where birth family live.
It’s bloody hard, and no-one gets it like other adopters

It must be very, very hard.

My heart goes out to all who are struggling.

Please do keep asking for help, asking for more help, asking for different help.

Our LA does courses for parents of adopted teens and adopted children with teenage siblings too.

I really hope you will get more help OP.

papergirl huge hugs to you, no words of advice just a big hug. Xx

papergirl are you able to get involved with your dc's discovery of their birth family? That way you may be able to help them deal with both the positive and negatives of what they are finding out about?

Thanks, Greyhound.
Iamnot sure there’s a court order in place banning contact till they’re 18, so we are having to tread carefully. With the agreement of children’s services, they can have phone contact for now until we can sort out supervised contact with their brother. They’ve discovered birth dad died a couple of years ago and birth mom is in prison so it’s a lot for them to deal with but it’s so worrying when they just run off.

It must be really hard for them, and for you. I remember you said on the other thread that you had kept up letterbox, but I am guessing that was just one-sided from you to them and that is how they didn't find out about the death of their birth father or about their mother?

Sorry, I meant birth mother, typo.

papergirl good luck - do you have support for took? Friends family?

OP and papergirl good luck and try after adoption which is a charity supporting adoption I'm all areas, or Adoption UK or BAAF, if they are all still going, or try PACT to see if any support is available.

Support for you...

Yep, I write but we hear nothing back. Kids are cross with ss for not telling them their dad had died, and cross with me for not knowing. They’d asked a few times and I’d said no, he couldn’t have died because ss would have told us. But they saw it on their brother’s Facebook page. He is also the one who has told them about birth mom being in prison.
I have good friends and family, and a good post adoption support sw and also see someone at camhs, but of course Sod’s law that this all happened at xmas when it’s all closed.
I’ve done various courses for parents of older adopted kids, but some have been better than others. After Adoption have taken the kids on a couple of short breaks so I must check if they’ve got anything else coming up.
And I’m going to push for respite again. We were getting some but it fell apart due to the awful behaviour.
Sorry, op, didn’t mean to take over your thread.

I could have written your post OP. I have almost daily feelings of regret about my choices, then spend the next few hours feeling guilty for having those thoughts. My dd is nearly 6 and all I can see is a road paved with difficulties . A loving environment and good intentions just doesn’t seem to be enough

Thank you everyone .
Blue Dog - you pretty much summed it up there. And yes I suppose it's harder this time of year when we're pushed together all the time at holiday time.
Things are complicated slightly more by having our own BC who came along as a complete surprise 3 years after we adopted AS.so As is intensely jealous understanderbly. The as we hit age 12 the hormones are kicking in , my Dh has really struggled to parent him without losing his cool, it's a miracle we're still married, . AS has a diagnosis of ADHD and is in a special school, struggles with friendships etc.
I am SAHM as I gave up my career when As was a toddler as I couldn't face going back and juggling everything, his needs were becoming more apparent and rightly or wrongly dh couldn't take up the slack where before and after school childcare was concerned, so my job aspirations are shot. No family nearby to support either. After all these years still feel bitter about my job situation, should really have learned to let that go by now
Our days out or 'family time' has to be planned out to the littlest detail and I'm constantly vigilant and walking on eggshells to make sure everyone's happy or trying to get along and avoid conflict and tantrums.
Sorry for the big negative downer people.

I second Fatberg. Join the Therapeutic Parenting group on FB. Great support from people who understand.

We have been having family therapy sessions and the therapist has talked about attachment trauma and how these teenage years are another opportunity to repair and make connections . So there are some positives obviously,. Just wish we had realised the risks involved right at the beginning. We spend all this time nurturing and nurturing and it isn't enough, nothing is enough and I feel so bad about that.i feel guilty that my BC gets upset by it all, has to duck and dive his older brothers moods and tantrums and know when to get out of the way of the firing line, he's wise beyond his years.

Will have a look at therapeutic parenting on FB Thankyou.