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Parents of adopted teens this way

(18 Posts)
UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 21-Dec-17 18:58:34

@Papergirl1968 mentioned there wasn't much here for us adopters whose ACs are now teens. I agree.

I now have 2 teens. Younger one struggles with big emotions but is getting better.

Elder 'adult' teen is busy trying to be 25 but with a thinking age of 15. Trying I think to create her own nuclear family. Instead she is succeeding with us struggling not to go nuclear at her. We might all be happier short term if she moved out, but it really isn't right for her yet and luckily she and her BF can't afford to.

It's been like this for 2 years. I'm worn out. I'm hoping she may see the light about BF and how she has been behaving this coming year.

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Papergirl1968 Thu 21-Dec-17 19:36:23

I’m here, Sanders.
Worn out too. I’m a single parent and I’ve been sworn at, called every name under the sun, mocked, hit, kicked, stolen from, you name it.
Then last week they traced birth family on Facebook and were missing for 24 hours, staying the night at birth brother’s flat. Now they’re spending hours chatting to various aunts and cousins, and have changed their name back to that of their birth family on social media. Feels like a kick in the teeth after eight years.
I’ve made lots of friends through adoption and they’re all struggling with their kids too.
I don’t want to put off anyone thinking about adopting but it seems to me that adoption brings odd moments of joy and a heck of a lot of heartbreak.
It’s good to have a place to come for support.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 21-Dec-17 19:52:07

That sounds soul destroying Paper . And doing it all on your own too. Hopefully it is a 'blip' and they'll come back to you when they realise the downsides of the BF and the upsides of yours.

DD was 8 when placed, so has strong memories of birth family and doesn't at the moment want to meet. But we have had rejection of us for boyfriend's family's values and outlook. So her aspirations and interests and other friends have gradually faded away. We're just hoping she'll realise she wants more to life before she ends up tied to him for life by getting pregnant.

I wish social media had some kind of magic recognition so that no under 25s could use it!

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Dontbuymesocks Thu 21-Dec-17 20:06:08

I don’t have any words of wisdom for you as I’ve fairly new to adoption (a few months post placement) but wanted to send you both flowers.
Papergirl - do you mind me asking how old your DC was when placed? Do they also have strong memories of their birth family?

UnderTheNameOfSanders Thu 21-Dec-17 20:33:22

The conclusion I've come to is this is usual/common teen boundary pushing/finding themselves/stupidity +++++ . Once they reach a certain point you can't fight them, they have to work it through. Hopefully they'll come back. Luckily DD got through GCSEs before all this hit. She's emotionally distanced herself, but is still under our roof. We don't fight, but we don't facilitate her rushing plans either. But I do find myself worrying and second guessing every day, and it is exhausting. And the distancing is really upsetting DD2.

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didyousayspinach Thu 21-Dec-17 21:14:06

papergirl do you mind me asking how you did contact up until now? Was it just letterbox, and did the interest shown by the dc change over time, or has it suddenly changed, or has there always been interest? I am sorry about all the questions.

Papergirl1968 Thu 21-Dec-17 21:46:48

No probs with the questions. They were nearly eight and nearly five when I got them, six and three when they went into care. As you’ll know, that’s pretty ancient in adoption terms.
We had letterbox contact till now.
Funny thing is, dd1 is the one with the memories and appeared to miss birth family most, while dd2 seemed to not give them a passing thought, yet it’s dd2 who traced them.
I guess they mentioned birth family a few times in the last few weeks, but no obvious signs they were looking to find them. Facebook makes it too darned easy.
Birth dad died two years ago and social services hadn’t told us. So they’re angry about that. Dd1 was a daddy’s girl and her biggest fear was that he would die before they were reunited. I don’t think she’s even started grieving yet.
I think it is adolescence but the adoption factor makes it adolescence with bells on. Then again, oldest dd has been aggressive, manipulative, a thief and a liar, etc ever since I had her.
I love them both but by god, they’re bloody hard work.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 02-Mar-18 19:39:55

Does count as a disruption if the child is technically an adult?

Eldest went on Wed pm to BF parents, and is busy rewriting history because we were upset with her over something she did knowing we would be upset about it. She says she'll be back Sunday evening, but who knows. This could be it, we've been hanging on by a thread for 2 years now.

She wants what she wants and says she is an adult.
But you point out responsibilities and she doesn't want to know.

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bostonkremekrazy Fri 02-Mar-18 20:00:43

sorry to read this sanders.

I think 'officially' its not counted as a disruption for stats....but its heartbreaking whatever it is called.

I have a few friends whose children returned to BF in the teen years - fb has a lot to answer for. In both families they flit between two families - the grass is greener in whichever home they are. Really sad, and really tough for my friends.

I hit the teens this year - and am dreading it for various reasons, but mostly because emotionally my teen is about 6!

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 02-Mar-18 20:04:53

Oh, sorry, realise I haven't been clear.
BF in this context means driveless unemployed boyfriend, not birth family!

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bostonkremekrazy Fri 02-Mar-18 20:40:58

ah I see.....will boyfriends parents get fed up of 2 of them lounging around?.....or does anything go at chez loverboy? hmm

UnderTheNameOfSanders Fri 02-Mar-18 21:00:08

Well they don't seem to have kicked him to properly apply for jobs since leaving college 8 months ago...
So who knows.
I suspect what will happen is she will come back, but might start going straight to his on Fridays and maybe only come back to ours after work on Mondays. Using us as a weekday base as we are 1 mile from work not 20.
I just hope she doesn't throw away her apprenticeship.
We shall see.

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Italiangreyhound Sat 03-Mar-18 12:27:04

Sanders, stay strong. I expect it is tough. Hang on in there. can you befriend boyfriend's family so you keep in touch?

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 03-Mar-18 14:31:57

can you befriend boyfriend's family

To be honest that ship has long since sailed.
Their whole outlook on life seems very different to ours.

Let's see what happens this week I guess.

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didyousayspinach Sat 03-Mar-18 18:16:57

Possibly a spell of totally independent living might be what she needs?
It is hard for teenagers to grasp responsibility until they have it. Living on a strict budget, with not as many creature comforts, responsible for all cooking and cleaning, might focus her mind and eventually increase her respect for you?! Of course, this may not be possible because of the cost.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sat 03-Mar-18 18:50:50

She can't at the moment due to price.

If she wanted to flat share with a friend we would sub her, but we are not going to sub her to play happy families with unemployed 'fiance'. Actually if boyfriend was working and saving now we might even consider subbing them if her pay plus his pay were insufficient. But no way when he isn't even trying to find work.

She should get her qualification from her apprenticeship in the autumn. Then we will be less worried as she will have the qualification needed for the job she wants.

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didyousayspinach Sun 04-Mar-18 14:58:47

Are you supporting her just until she gets her qualification and then at that point she will be able to afford her own place? If so I would be tempted to make sure she starts to be responsible from that point and make her own decisions and choices, on the basis that she can come back to you and ask for advice and help if she needs it (and you will then talk about whether you can or want to help at that point). Otherwise it sounds as though you are making offers with conditions, nothing is satisfactory to either of you and it goes around in circles. However, it is easy to say this from the outside. I would be very upset and worried if it were my 18 year old.

Another thing to consider might be to pay for a tiny place for her such as a studio on the basis that her boyfriend wouldn't be able to stay (as a condition of tenancy!) and for her to pay for all outgoings other than rent - means that if she wants to be with her boyfriend she has to sort that out herself, and her perspective about everything may change after a few months on her own!

Anyway, just ideas, possibly no use at all.

UnderTheNameOfSanders Sun 04-Mar-18 15:13:55

We haven't made any offers with conditions as she can't meet the conditions. It is only internal thinking. I don't think we could do the studio plan because if the tenancy was no guests she just wouldn't go for it.

There are only 2 things stopping her moving out and living with BF.
1) He is unemployed and has no income
2) She is on an apprentice wage until August.
Neither of which is our fault, yet by her attitude you would think it was.

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