What would you change about your social worker?

[Whatshouldmyusernamebe]

Just wondered what you found helpful or not helpful from your social worker during your assessment, matching and support after placement?

You put it so much better than me Jellycatspyjamas...I was conscious of the fact I use a lot of words so was trying to simplify a little (not sure why I bothered looking at the length of my posts and three in a row 😱) I don’t believe there should be the exact level of understanding...everyone would constantly be out of the office on training...cue more eye-rolling from clients ‘they’re always off sick or on bloody training, why aren’t they out there protecting children’ (tongue very firmly in cheek here) I guess what I was trying to say is the sense I get on here is that people feel SWs have a deeper understanding of what the other teams do than they do in reality and that they’re being wilfully ignorant or belligerent if they seem to not be doing things in the same way as an adoption SW might. It might be that they literally do not know as it’s not their area. I guess my caveat about best practise was a buffer as I expected a response of ‘but they SHOULD know’ I think when SWs qualify people assume a magic wand, a time turner, a crystal ball and a back up hard drive of all the extra information expected to fit in their brains as given. (I’m sure this is the case in many professions) I remember feeling like I was always going to be the bad guy no matter what I did...families finding SWs interfering or punitive, other professionals in the core group feeling we weren’t doing enough and management/legislation having unrealistic expectations that we can spin a hundred plates at once, all within time scales and if we drop a single one on our heads be it! Something has to give somewhere!

It’s so hard because if you acknowledge the pressure SWs are under it feels like it’s giving ammunition to those who believe they’re useless and don’t do enough! If you point out the people who put their blood, sweat and tears into the work then people feel you’re ‘closing ranks’ and not acknowledging the problems.

I honestly don't mind criticism of SW, poor practice exists in every profession. I do very much mind people who have no clue what the role entails writing off everyone who does the job because a)they didn't like the process (touchy feely games and all), b) weren't given information they would like but have absolute no right to, c) didn't have someone who knows every area of everyone else's role, d) had someone who had the utter cheek to change jobs, get pregnant, go on holiday or become unwell meaning a change in SW or e) that the new SW wasn't able to hit the ground running within days of getting their new caseload.

Adoption is an emotive issue for everyone involved and SW make a pretty easy target for all the fears, anxieties and frustrations that come with it. Again, I don't mind that but at least avknow that's what's happening.

@Tunneloflove485 this place has gone a bit mad lately, so no I didnt rush off to change my name to post, but NC regularly to keep anon on here.
@waitingforfamily while you say you are coping, your attacks on other posters, your sneering at SW, and your last posts about AC & nursery after a few weeks would suggest otherwise.

SW have to do a job akin to a GP performing heart surgery, its no wonder they get a bad press.
Like all professions there are good and bad, those who care, those who are biding time till retirement, those whose eyes have simply seen too much.
SW will forever be damned if they do - damned if they dont.

Rudeposter - everything is just rosey in our house hold now we are in a good routine with nursery and lots of fun times in the afternoon.

Good day to you 😂

Trying not to get involved but how can you tar all social workers with the same brush? You have been unlucky and that is crap but I've come across some crap health professionals in my time doesn't mean I think they are all awful.

I agree Jellycatspyjamas, I’ve never known anything like this board...I’ve come from the nice cosy world of recurrent miscarriage boards where everyone’s so kind and supportive! This board has been a shock to the system at times (not always of course...there’s plenty of support on here but like the ‘bad social workers’ the aggressive posts stand out more than the lovely ones) People can be so antagonistic and emotionally uncontained; it’s really hard to resist responding. Alongside that some people don’t seem to see the grey areas...it’s black or white with no inbetween and people will argue their point until the bitter end when both sides are maybe a little bit right. The slightest indescrepancy between a posters beliefs and their own or something worded in w way that they wouldn’t word it gets pounced on immediately and shouted down even if they’re in essence agreeing with something! I’d been watching this post and resisted posting for so long but it’s almost impossible! The thing I have realised is that it’s like arguing about politics on fb...you’re either preaching to the converted or haven’t got a chance in hell of changing someone’s opinion.

Something that I often notice on this board is when people start with ‘this is my first post, please be kind’ surely that’s a given and doesn’t need to be explicitly said?!

I do however find this board on the whole a gold mine of useful practical and objective info...the subjective less so which is sad as this can be the area people need support.

Rudeposter probably = 6isthemagicnumber (or something along those lines)

Find it very peculiar and a bit creepy tbh when people change their names on here to chuck their opinion on people’s lives.

Will say again - legitimate question asked and factual answers given on specific cases. Not opinion or subjective but real life scenarios.

How can someone’s opinion on their experience through this process equal someone “not coping”? That is just toxic tbh.

I guess that’s the difference...statements that say things as an absolute fact about ALL SWs, that come from a small self selecting sample of people, using emotive and inflammatory language do come across as emotion based opinions. I’m sure this is not the intention. The subtleties of language are very important in conveying things as factual and subjective. Phrases like ‘in my experience’ and ‘in my opionion’ can stop that happening and make arguments seem more reasonable. Personal attacks or pedantry end up diminishing any validity of kernels of truth in your perspective.

see impossible not to bite

@waiting.....first you think I'm a SW, then you think i'm the poster6 - who is an adopter....make your mind up

iamstinky initially said you need to look at your coping skills....I agreed with that statement. You have come onto this MN adoption board recently and made several comments etc that SHOUT OUT to experienced ears - whether other adopters, or SW that you are either struggling, or just plain difficult as a person.

You have upset regular posters, people you asked for help. People I called my friends on the board and through PM's.

Several regular posters have changed their names - for whatever reason - it is a normal thing to do on the adoption boards especially.

perhaps try being nicer to people if you decide to stick around.

I agree IGGY - its tricky not to! (going off to NC now)

Weird cliquy bunch 😂

I

What does NC stand for Rudeposters? I’ve been wracking my brain!

Name change Iggy.

face palm of course... I assume it’s for some sort of sneaky suspicious posting as one of your many alter-egos...I even resorted to googling it but Noam Chomsky, ‘no comment’ or ‘no credit’ all seemed unlikely

Iggy, I don't agree with your assessment of these boards. Of course people will have strong opinions about adoption, but for those of us in the think of it, it's very kind and supportive.

OP, can I ask why you want to know? It seems a funny question out of the blue.

That’s okay rain at night, we all experience things differently. I was sharing my experiences of this board and comparing it to my experiences on boards during the TTC and recurrent miscarriage chapter of our lives. (Admittedly not on mn and also a very emotive subject )

It’s always absolutely fine to respectfully disagree as you have here. In my eyes it’s not okay to make personal attacks or take an aggressive tone in an attempt to strengthen an argument (to me it tends to do the very opposite...to me it diminishes credibility)

It is a small minority on here but perception bias means the rude and agressive posts really stand out to me. This doesn’t necessary negate the warmth, kindness and support on here. Both can happen at the same time. Glad to hear this board is so helpful for you, as I said before it’s been an absolute gold mine of useful info for me. I’ve also had some lovely PMs and advice from people who don’t post publicly a lot.

I also suspect the bluntness may be a MN thing rather than an adoption thing. A friend who had no problems having her kids but suffered debilitating PND once said to me ‘I’m beginning to see why people call MN the pit of vipers’ so I suspect I may not be the only person who experiences it this way but I do acknowledge that doesn’t mean that’s how the majority of people experience this website.

Iggy i think you are right, i have only seen such rudeness here on MN and been so blunt myself as needed
I am part of several online adoption communities that are supportive and provide hope and advice - smaller and people get a sense of who is who
MN is so big you can feel safer behind the screen...
Horses for couses really....you pick which you need at that moment

Yes, I’ve also joined AUK, some people are blunt on there and you get to know who to expect to read a blunt reply from. They’re rarely downright rude. I don’t think anyone comes on here with the intension to be unkind or antagonistic. At the same time I know I feel as though I have to word things very carefully and even then people will find fault. It can feel like some sort of double think crime under big brothers rule! I don’t believe it’s intensional, I think many people are on high alert (pure speculation but perhaps a parallel process with their own children’s hypervigilance or perhaps they just don’t like people being rude to them and the best form of defence is offence!? Who knows?) anyway, I’m rambling now and probably overthinking as I pick up dog poos in the park! (Oh the glamour!)

I’d love to know about any other helpful groups I could join if you can recommend any?

I think it's prob sensible that I don't answer this question right now.....

waitingforafamily, I hadn't realised you were the poster from the toddler at nursery straight away thread.

If your social workers are so awful, and I know some can be, then why are you taking the being ok with nursery as a seal of approval?

I think you'll tell me to f-off, but post adoption depression is real, and you do appear very irritable. Coupled with the putting your angry, grief filled toddler in nursery, rather than holding them close, I wonder if you're suffering? Obviously, I can only go on your posts, but there is help, and you and your child deserve the best start to placement, and you are early days, and early days are hard.

We had a change of social worker halfway through our adoption story. Both were fab. Yes, I’ve later found out a few things she might have told me earlier, but I doubt we’d have done anything differently. I appreciate case loads are huge and we are all human doing the best we can.

If you are being assessed @mtpaektu...you should not need to use annual leave, but have time off from work as if it were a 'maternity medical' appointment. You should return to work after the appointment also.
Hope that helps!

I think it depends on your work’s adoption leave policy...I’m a newbie and I know you’re a veteran so I might have misunderstood. DH’s work policy is as you describe. Mine is that the entitlement to the time out of work is for appointments after matching panel

It does depend, not everywhere does it. Mine only did it for the 'primary' adopter. I got them to change their policy by explaining there was really no such thing for assessment and training purposes when adopting. They were very good about it, and I think we can have a role educating organisations to be more adoption-friendly.