FfA issues

[Laura25o6]

Hi all

My husband and I are fostering 2 siblings on a FfA. The children have come from a different foster carer family who had them for almost 1 year. My issue is Dd is asking for / pining for previous foster carer. I'm having to keep saying there at work, there on holiday and mummy and daddy are looking after you now etc. How do we come across this hurdle as I really don't want it being an issue. Children have only been played with DH and I since Wednesday gone. So 4 days. Very early days yes I know but I'm new to this and I don't know what to do. Obviously it's weekend so SS / SW aren't picking up their phones as per...

Any advice good or bad welcome please xx

Thanks for reading xx

How old are the children ?

However old the children are you will need to give them continued reassurance about where their carers are and that you will look after them - I would have said this was obvious. And also obvious that the Sw does not work weekends and so will not pick up the phone. I would imagine there is an emergency duty team if you really struggle however bit shocked that you seem unable to deal with what is a very obvious issue really

We are trying to deal with this issue and SW gave their private number as duty team don't always pick up anyway. The children are 3 years old.

Is FfA Foster to Adopt do you mean? I have no personal experience of that age as DS was a young baby when placed but I would imagine at 3 yrs old this must be very confusing for the little one's and they will start to grieve and it's only natural for them to want the people they knew the best.

Probably all you can do at the moment is keep reassuring them that FCs are OK and still care but I'm not sure if it's a good idea to say that they're at work or on holiday as the children might start to assume that FC will come back for them after their holiday. As for not wanting it to be an issue, you probably need to prepare yourself as it will be an issue that you need to get through, they've lost everything so patience and consistency on your part is what you need to give at the moment.

Did FC do any prepration with them before they moved? Or SW? Did they have a book or some books to explain to them what's happening?

If it was me, I'd be inclined to answer them honestly but keep reassuring them and keep them occupied, play bonding games or games to help them settle in their new home. You'll see from these boards that the first few weeks is tough, get through the days and have wine ready for after bed!

This sounds really tough. I'm sure you did your best to prepare for this but the reality is often a bit different to expectations. I'd imagine having two three year olds arrive in your life is pretty overwhelming for all four of you! Hang on in there!

I haven't adopted yet but have worked with lots of littlies placed for adoption. Sounds like you're trying your best and doing a great job to comfort your LOs who are grieving for their foster careers. Keep reassuring them that they're safe there and perhaps name for them that it is sad for them to leave FCs home and you understand that. It seems important to let them know that this is their new home without the expectation that they'll go back to FC and that their fc wants them to be happy in their new home too but that new places can feel strange and make us all feel a bit wobbly in our tummies and heads. Lots of cuddles if they'll let you and busy activities to distract a little.

I would consider this a really good sign (probably doesn't feel it) Id be concerned about three year olds who move smoothly without making a peep or showing signs of grief at the loss of their primary carer.

In the words of Dory...'just keep swimming'

Did you do introductions like in a normal adoption situation?
How much work was done with the children in advance?
I see you say you are being referred to as Mummy and Daddy - how does that work with Foster to Adopt?

Can you say something like:
'Old FCs are only able to look after children for a short time, but we can look after you for much longer which is why you have moved to be with us.
The old FCs are having a break from looking after children at the moment .
I know you miss them at the moment, and I am sure they miss you. How about you draw them a picture and we send it to them . '

It is really hard, AD1 asked a lot about seeing BM when she moved in, and we had to get more info on why face to face contact wasn't happening.

But really it sounds as if you (and perhaps also the children) haven't been very well prepared by your SW as it should have been foreseen this kind of conversation might crop up.

Although meeting up in a few weeks at a neutral location may be a good idea, I would avoid mentioning it now as the children are so little.

I'm a foster carer and as the above say I'd be honest they won't be going back to the foster carer so I'd be telling them that they are with you now and the foster carer and having a small break (I wouldn't tell them they have new children as they may see this as a rejection).

If you are referring to to yourself as mammy and daddy I would be telling them that you live them and that they have grown In your heart through photos and keep telling them that you have been so excited for them to be with you.

Il be honest I wouldn't meet up with the foster carers for at least six months as these children need time to attach worth you and if you see them they may automatically presume they are returning.

Part of our job as foster carers is to help children attach by giving them love, stability and meeting their needs. It's positive that they have attached as this means they can then attach to yous over time.

This wk take time as it does with all children who are placed with us and can take up to six months or years but will happen with live reassurance and meeting these children's needs.

Good luck and remember this will be hard genuinely when children are placed with us it takes about six months just for the settling in period.

Hi all thanks for all these comments

FfA is Foster for Adoption that's what our paperwork says any way
Children have only been to 1 FC before us so have only been used to them for almost a year.
Children have been told to call us mummy and daddy as we are adopting them.
We did 2 week bridging with children and FC home. We all took to each other like we'd known each other for ever. Temporary FC placement into my home was Wednesday just gone so still very early days and will be fostering for 4/5 weeks then after 10 weeks we will apply for full adoption.
It's only mainly when they are due for nap or bedtime that they have been asking for old FC, the female mainly.

We have been saying
You live with mummy and daddy now,
We're here to keep you safe
And FC is on holiday with their children (which they are also asking for)

And with them still being babies to me it's hard explaining and them understanding. It's difficult for their tiny minds processing such big changes. I feel like crying for them. X

Sounds like you are just adopting really (or is there not a placement order yet? I can't quite see where the fostering bit is coming in to it).

In which case, you just need to keep reinforcing that you are their forever Mummy & Daddy, but it is OK to still think about FC and miss her. Sounds like you are doing just fine. It is heartbreaking, but that's not your fault, you just have to sound calm and reassuring.

@ underthestars

The placement order was granted but for us to kinda get them quicker we have to foster first. Not usual apparently as it's still a new thing FfA.

We'll get there. They will be 4 in 10 months so they will take ages to adapt and adjust xx

underthestars - I quite like that name, might Adopt it

Sounds very normal, ours have been placed just 3 days ago and today have been obviously missing their foster carers, lots of tears and upset at minor things. We've been naming the feelings of sadness and love and missing special people and reinforcing the idea that you can love lots of people and they can live you too.

We've also gone through our older child's memory box and talked through the cards and pictures. It's ok to acknowledge their sad, scared feelings - they are tiny really so making sense of such a huge change is mind blowing. A year is a third of their life span so far, so these are significant people in their lives, it's important to help them cope with their feelings about their loss.

My advice would be be honest and try not to minimise how they're feeling - we did lots of 'I'm sorry you're missing FC, would a cuddle from me help?' and 'what did FC sing with you/feed you/do with you?' kind of conversations. (The idea being that it's okay for them to miss them and talk about them - were 4 years in and still talks about FCs a lot).

Hang in there, it gets easier.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders
Oh my I do apologise at getting your name wrong. But it does have a nice ring to it! 🤗

@Jellycatspyjamas

Thank you for that x

I am going to suggest something controversial to many but is becoming less so in some SW minds. Consider the possibility of meeting up with the fc sooner rather than later. There are lots to consider in this. Distance, permission from SW as you are fostering etc. But it is being done more often now that children have some regular contact with fc early on and then slowly phasing it out. More recent research is suggesting that this is more helpful. As things stand your little ones primary attachment is with their fc and it is only natural that they want and need them. In time that attachment will shift but children need reassurance that the persons they thought loved them unconditionally still does and is still alright. They also need to learn that important and significant people in their lives don't just disappear overnight so that they learn you too won't either. They are old enough that they will won't forget them in a matter of weeks but not old enough to deal with the emotions of accepting they are gone.

I am a concurrent carer and have rehabilitated two little ones back to birth parents. The oldest was a little over a year when she went home. I remained involved initially seeing the little one weekly to give her mum support and then ever since (2 years down the line) on a casual basis. The little one benifited hugely from being reassured we were still round and ok, we still loved her. Mum got to ask questions about her care as they arose and the little one slowly transferred her attachment to mum in a correct manner whilst knowing we still cared about her and were around in the background.

I am part of a foster carer support group and more recently more and more are talking about such arrangements being factored into the move to forever families. Recently where one little one really would not settle social workers arranged for fc to call in every other day to new home for a fortnight to reassure little one, then reduced to weekly for a few weeks and grandually stopped. It was what the little one needed to settled and to get some sort of permission to move on.

This is something to consider if they continue to be unsettled but would need to be discussed with your social worker.

@Thepinklady77

Thank you so much for this information. I will see how we get on over the next few days and possibly suggest this to SW. She is due for a visit tomorrow anyway. We have been keeping a note in our daily journal. Everything good and upsetting thing.

Just came home to the post and my latest copy of the fostering network magazine has just arrived. There was an interesting article in it that relates a little to what I have been saying, although about a slightly older child but principals similar. The fostering network have a keep-connected campaign www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/get-involved/our-campaigns/keep-connected

Information on this may help you if you decide to go down contact with fc route and need to persuade the SW. You could refer them to this.

Just thought this may be useful. It literally arrived in my post an hour ago lol!

We've planned early contact with foster carers, within 6 weeks of placement and my two had a phone call with them today. We're treating their foster carers as grandparents and they have really helped the children to see them in that role. I think it's helpful because they were part of the DCs lives for a long time and my DC are used to people who love them leaving them so continued relationships are important.

It's not been confusing so far and my littlies have settled a bit knowing nanna and grandpa are at the end of the phone.

That's quite sweet @Jellycatspyjamas something we could possibly try but just not at grandparents as our FC were only young

I'm a foster carer (and adopter) and completely agree with the pink lady. Contact with foster carer will not stop them settling with you, it shows your little ones that people they love and who love them don't just disappear. So important for their future relationships.
Could you ask foster carers if they'd be happy to do a phone call with your little ones?

They could be aunties and uncle x x

I was under the impression that the adoption services recommend not to meet with the foster Carers until the adoption is verified which takes about six months.

The advice varies between la to la and even then it tends to be SW to sw and based more on personal opinion rather than research. The 6 month thing is very much old thinking and is slowing changing based on recent research.

We have a recently placed LO of a similar age. We met FC after 3 weeks which was longer than the SW wanted to leave it. Our LO very attached to FC and been with them
a long time. They talk about them loads and this hasn't really changed in response to the visit - we saw meeting up as an important part of our LO feeling they could settle here.