Niggling concerns about someone's adoption - do I do something or butt out?

[MadeleineBoo]

Namechanged and some details changed for obvious reasons. I can't decide if my concerns are legitimate or if it's not ideal but really not such a big issue. Essentially, I'd appreciate some perspective from adopters.

Situation is that someone I know has recently adopted a young boy. He's in year 3 and she's a single parent. The adoption hasn't been finalised (not sure what that's called) but he's been living with her since the start of May half term and started his new school after half term.

The mum is self-employed and works in an industry where the work isn't 9-5. I know (because she told me) that she lied to the adoption agency about how much time she was going to take off when the adoption went through as she wasn't planning on taking any time off at all and hasn't.

As well as her DS being in afterschool club most days, today she told me she's got a project for the whole of August and is desperately trying to find childcare/holiday clubs who can have him for the month.

I'm not an adoptive parent but I feel really uncomfortable about this. I have talked to her about it but she just says that she can't afford not to work.

Entirely possible I'm being a bit precious so would welcome opinions

OP why is she having to work in the evenings? If the goal is to be 'on adoption leave' but she cannot do that, why own't she working I'm the day while he is at school?

What did she say that made you think she was sympathetic to his needs? That is a genuine question.

She does sound particularly clueless tbh.
Did she think an 8 yr old would move in and then just sit quietly in a corner despite the losses , upheaval and trauma he has endured?
I think italian he moved in at start of half term so presumeably still on hols ! But her work hours are irregular anyway i think !

Is this on a different school system? Half term for us was weeks ago.

Plus I do work at home sometimes and I do it when the kids are in bed. I find it much easier to concentrate without their noise!

He moved in may half term i think and mum has worked from the start with no time off if i am reading it right and a new project she has taken on means she now has to put him in daycare for the 6 weeks hols . She doesnt seem to have a concrete plan for that yet !

Yes you're sort of right flapjack - so it was half term when he arrived and she was trying to work in the evenings after he'd gone to bed. The problem was is that he wasn't settling so she was trying to cram stuff in around his upset evenings. Once he was in school, she's been working mainly school hours.

She isn't planning on putting him into a holiday club for the whole of the summer holidays - I think she said the whole of August.

I suppose I am judging fasparent because this is contrary to all the advice I know new adoptive parents are given. I'm sure you don't mean it but it sounds like you think he should be grateful for a roof over his head and not expect a lot more.

I don't think that's what fasparent was saying - I read it as the opposite, the child has such a lot of loss and separation to cope with that they are bound to find this time extremely hard, and that all children will express that in their own different ways.

Adopters do need time to regroup and top up their own emotional reserves, and that's one of the reasons the adoption leave is so vital - you just can't try and continue working (even in the evenings) or "carry on as before" when everything has changed and this small, scared, distressed person really really needs you. That may mean you need a few hours here and there to recover, so sometimes a bit of nursery or childcare allows a break for both child and adopter - but I don't think a few hours is what you're talking about here.

Any friendship support you are able to give to this adopter, or point her towards (post-adoption support? National Assoc of Therapeutic Parents local support groups?) is going to benefit her and the child.