British Sikh couple refused to be allowed to adopt a white child

[MrsD79]

Interesting. Thoughts please..

As this is your first time posting on the adoption board, why don't you start by sharing your thoughts first?

This is all about the fact that they identified themselves as Indian. do they even look Indian? they could easily pass as Mediterranean, would it be an issue then? I doubt it. so lets just sum this up, British, Indian by heritage, no close ties to India, therefore they are very westernised and not religious. successful. homeowners. money in the bank. hardworking. unsuccessfully tried to conceive. born here, live here. what exactly is the issue? somewhere out there is a child that needs a family because the biological parents failed on their part to do that very basic right! they more than likely celebrate Christmas and Easter, eat steak and all the other things WHITE people do. this is all about colour and some prat who is too scared to make the right decision in their power! If I were them I too would challenge the decision. What utter nonsense! Like me, they probably know very little and follow hardly any Sikhism so they may as well be white in their day to day living.

Are you an adopter MrsD?

The reality is that adoption is not straightforward. It is not as simple as finding a family with a big house, money in the bank etc. It is about finding a family who is able to deal with the trauma that children have been through. Therapeutically raising them to deal with this trauma and therefore be able to function as well as they can in society when their start in life hasn't given them that chance. On top of that, raising them to be aware of who they are; where they come from. And like it or not, highlighting that their roots and beginnings are such an important part of them.
So, adopting a child of a different race is difficult because on top of all of that you have to be able to show an understanding of their culture etc. Adopted children feel different enough as it is - having 2 parents of a totally different race would be hard for them even though we'd love to say that it shouldn't be.
Now, this is not specific to this Sikh couple as I get that they are British, but their culture will be different.
It is an interesting subject, and one for which there are many arguments, but ultimately decisions have to be made that are best for the children. Unfortunately the article doesn't go into detail about whether or not this couple attempted other local authorities or agencies. Incidentally, my husband and I were declined before application stage by our local authority - so we went to a voluntary agency instead where the requirements were different. We have now adopted 3 children.

What mrsm said. I sympathise but surely they could adopt with a different LA? We adopted in a LA which is very multicultural and we were warned that me may wait longer to be matched as we could only have a child of the same ethnic background. It's about what's best for the child. Not the adoptive parents wants.

I just saw this in a news item on television. I was surprised that they were apparently told there were "no White babies available in Berkshire" - for a start, it would be quite a while before they could be matched with a child, and secondly, were they only interested in adopting a baby? Not a huge chance of that, whatever your ethnicity.

Bloodybridget. www.google.co.uk/amp/metro.co.uk/2017/06/27/british-asian-couple-told-to-go-to-india-to-adopt-6737730/amp/

There are only white babies available. They failed ivf 16 times!!!

I think class differences, gender, age and religious differences can all be as significant as ethnicity.

But we don't say you can't adopt a Caucasian baby from a low income Protestant family because you are an upper middle class catholic Irish couple, do we?

"It is unacceptable for a child to be denied loving adoptive parents solely on the gorunds [sic] that hte [sic] child does not share the same racial or cultural heritage as theadopters" proof read your website you twats

Which child is this then?

The reality is that there are loads of people waiting for children at the moment. So no child is waiting because these people were turned away.

I have every sympathy for them but adoption has to be about what is right for the child and, all else being equal, of course you would pick adopters with a similar cultural background.

That said I think they have been poorly advised about legal action - they should look around at other agencies. But ultimately it's not about them but about the children.

Well ethnicity is very obvious too - so you're condemning a child to a life of explaining why they don't look like mum and dad and having zero privacy around adoption. Why do that if you don't have to?

I think they are probably other reasons that particular agency has chosen not to progress their application beyond initial visit stage, but this couple has chosen toocus on the ethnicity angle.

I completely agree with conserve

I think they could have chosen to pursue an application with any number of other agencies.

I think if they think this is the biggest challenge they will face, should they eventually adopt a child, they're going to have a rude awakening and pursuing legal action shows they're probably not cut out for adoption.

I think they've shot themselves in the foot a bit by running to the media. Adoption is about privacy.

I think your view of adoption, OP, is a bit naive.

Enough thoughts for you?

to focus

Why are most people on MN so damn up themselves?? Why do most pp think they are judge and jury on everything? Chill the fuck up intothebeyond! Btw you are not the only one before you attempt to shoot me down. Back off! It was a damn conversation you know, like we do on here but no you all gotta get so uptight about everything cus ur so damn perfect!

Why not adopt a slightly older child. I thought it was difficult for anyone to adopt a white baby.

You seem awfully angry OP .

Well, that escalated quickly.

Bloody hell OP you seem angry

Well that escalated quickly

we were shown the CPR for a child who was a roman catholic, we asked for further details and were turned down - WHY - we were not roman catholic and it was a specific requirement.....

adoption is about finding parents for children....not about finding children for parents.

In the current climate there are many families waiting for a match, It is safe to say in Berkshire SS know there are no Indian children waiting for a child, and therefore do not wish to proceed with approving a couple who they will be unable to match 'in-house'.
Fair enough ......the couple can phone the next LA along and chat to them, not run to the media. Crazy. Not sure what phoning Teresa May is going to do......

I'm a bit confused about this post? Are you an adopter/potential adopter OP?

It seems unusual to ask for thoughts on a topic and then respond aggressively to people's thoughts. I'm not sure of your experiences of modern adoption and all it entails, it's a very complex and sensitive issue which can cause pretty strong emotions to arise, particularly for parents who have adopted their children.

In terms of my thoughts, my initial thought is that it may be a little naive on these parents parts to have drawn the media attention to themselves if they wish to pursue adoption in the future. Some may agree they have the moral high ground but unfortunately it often comes down to weighing up what is 'right' vs what will be effective in helping them meet their end goal. I'm not saying people should lie down and accept m discrimination or racism...of course these things are abhorrent and unacceptable but I feel this couple's response may be a little misguided.

Sadly their 16 failed IVF attempts don't really come into it. My heart goes out to them, I've lost 7 pregnancies...and I know the pain of being desperate to be a parent. Sadly children aren't allocated based on how much parents have been through or whether they 'deserve it' if only children (birth or adopted) were allocated in such a way it would be fantastic for many of us. Children are the main priority all the way through the process. Matching them to parents who will be able to meet their needs is the number 1 priority. I also suspect that, as it often is in media we are only seeing one side of the story which has been over simplified in order to draw traffic and clicks to the page as it makes a good story for a news outlet owned by the daily mail with a right wing bias which will look for opportunities to criticise social services while trying hard to prove they're not racist.

I don't mean to sound facetious or prickly st all...I'm sure your post came from a place of curiosity and interest, the very topic of adoption stirs up a lot of emotion, controversy and debate. Particularly amongst parents who adopted their children so I fear you may have opened a can of worms you weren't expecting here.

We are white British and were turned down for many BME children. I can see why (though I may not agree it was right for all of those children, particularly if I know they are still waiting) but it still hurt. So it happens to all ethnicities, depending on the agency or SWs' needs/professional beliefs.

Also, I'm confused about the fact that they're described as a Sikh couple but OP you are arguing they're not religious which would imply they see their Sikhism as cultural rather than a religious issue which is makes sense...the has been a lot of discussion/debate about whether being Jewish is a race or religion or both. If they are identifying as Sikh then this could potentially raise questions about whether they could meet a child's needs who's birth culture is different. I am white, British and don't practice any religion. When we apply to adopt we would be open to interracial adoption or to adopt a child from another culture or religion, however, I fully anticipate that we could meet opposition from social services firstly to interracial adoption or if that was an option i expect we would need to explain very clearly and confidently how we could meet that child's cultural/religious needs (and not just in a tokenistic way) if we were then approved/considered for this I expect we would then be passed over for prospective parents who were of a similar heritage. I do recognise that I am in a privileged position to be of the race/culture that is in the majority in this country so will not face racism or discrimination that this couple may face so I cannot fully put myself in their shoes about this. It's an emotional issue dealt with in a pragmatic way so it is certainly more complex and nuanced than this article implies. Adoption is a sensitive and emotional subject which polarises many and interracial adoption is an even more thorny subject.

I really don't understand why this couple went straight to the media with their story. Berkshire have mostly white children to place but so many LA's in London, Birmingham and other cities are crying out for ethnic minority adopters. Of course it is ideal for children to be placed with parents who can reflect their ethnicity but also as someone else has already said ideally it would be better that parents are not obviously adoptive and not bio.

We have 1 birth child and 3 adopted. My daughter has recently told me she doesn't want her friends knowing she is adopted - she has that choice cos she looks very like us. Our two youngest however are mixed race and were placed with us as there were no available adopters of their ethnic mix - it's going to be obvious that they are not our biological children and so an addd complication for their life's.

Just re-reading this thread...at risk of sliding into facetious-ville...(I'm tired and so probably getting more wound up by this than is reasonable!) OP you clearly state that you know little about Sikhism (which you also clearly demonstrate...sikhs don't not eat steaks because of their religion, (vegetarianism is something some sikhs choose for religious reasons, others don't). it tends to be more of a cultural thing as for the most part beef isn't eaten by Indian people as it isn't widely available in India due to Hindus regarding cows as sacred) and your posts imply you know very little about modern adoption...you then ask a group of people who are very knowledgeable and well versed in the ins and outs of adoption for their thoughts, when these thoughts don't fit in with your limited viewpoint on something you admit to knowing nothing about you become abusive and tell them to 'chill the fuck up' (my new fave phrase btw )

Well white people are rarely allowed to adopt other races because of the worry of erasure of culture and exoticisation or accesorisation ... it's the same thing

I thought that news story smelled of media stirring (either started by the couple or the media) , this thread has pretty much confirmed to me that this is the case. The thread seems to indicate that adoption mostly works in the way it should. Obviously not fun for the couple in the news story though.