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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

has anyone adopted their own child along with step-parent?

34 replies

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:32

we are in the process of dh adopting ds1 and i have just found out today that this means ds1 will not have a standard 'normal' birth certificate. he will have a short version that doesn't say birth certificate on but makes no reference to adoption, and the long version which will state that dh and i are both the adopted parents(i am his birth mum). his entry in the births register will be crossed through and adopted written in the margin and a new enrty created in the adopted childs register. there will be no paper evidence anywhere to suggest that i am his birth mum.

i am so angry and so upset that this is the way the system works, i am questioning the whole adoption, i don't think i can 'give up' my son like that. dh is happy to go along with what we decide together.

at the moment on ds1's birth certificate is a blank space where the fathers name should be, also his surname has been changed by deed poll to dh's so his birth certificate has his old name on it.

if anyone has any experience or advice it would be much appreciated. tia

OP posts:

KristinaM · 26/02/2007 17:34

you can keep a copy of the old certificate

BoolieTC · 26/02/2007 17:36

My sd wanted to adopt me, and my mum decided against it for exactly those reasons. I'm glad too. My sd is to me my real dad adoption or not.
You could get parental responsibility for your dh, the names been changed anyway. THen he would have legal rights over your child.

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:36

the solicitor said we can't, somethibg to do with possible fraud!

have you done this kristina?

OP posts:

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 17:37

I'd hate the idea of being listed as my biological child's adoptive mother. It seems bonkers that in order for your partner to adopt your birth child you have to sign away his birth records, in effect.

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:37

i think thats what we might try to do boolie, the parental responsibility thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:38

yes i agree it is bonkers.

oh bollocks

OP posts:

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 17:39

I know it's a hideous thought, but what would happen if an adoption such as this went through and then the parents split up ? Would the adoptive parent have exactly the same rights over the child as the birth/adoptive parent ? Could the child be placed with the adoptive parent in the event of a divorce ?

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:47

yes it would give dh equal rights but thats cool, thats what i/we want, and it would also make ds1 completely equal with ds2.

OP posts:

prufrock · 26/02/2007 17:48

Well ff as you know this is what happened to me. I do now accept that my feelings at the time I found out were ridiculous, but it did affect me hugely - I can remember a fair few arguements where I yelled at my Dad (my natural parent) that he couldn't tell me what to do because he didn't even love me, because if he did he'd never have given me up for adoption (convieniently ignoring the fact that he only gave me up for adoption so he could adopt me with my step-mum).

prufrock · 26/02/2007 17:48

prufrock · 26/02/2007 17:49

It does now make sense to me that it should be done this way - it meant that my stepmum loved me even more in that she was adopting me for my sake, and was gaining equal rights over me with my father, so that she was saying that she wanted to have a relationship forever with me, not just see me as something that came along with my father and could be discarded if they ever split up. You do realise btw that if you do jointly adopt, your dh will have full rights to "your" ds, including being able to apply for custody?
It was also very important to my parents that if anything happened to my Dad then my Mum would automatically be responsible for me and that his family, or my bio mothers family could not take me away from her.

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 17:50

i suppose thats what i'm worried about prufrock. whats worse, to have birth cert with no father on it, or to have an adoption cert instead?

OP posts:

Aloha · 26/02/2007 18:07

I'd disregard what your solicitor said and keep a copy of the original birth certificate if you do decide to go ahead. What's going to happen? A police raid on your house to find out if you've hidden it somewhere? Nah.
From what you say I gather that your ds1's biological father has never been on the scene?
Tbh, if your dh has parental responsibility and is his father in every sense of the word, then is adoption really necessary?

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 18:14

ds1's birth cert is already with the solicitor so can't 'lose' it somewhere!

no ds1's birth father has never been on the scene, he left when i was 5 months pg and we've had no contact untill now through the solicitor.

we wanted dh to adopt ds1 just so he and ds2 (and future sprogs!) were equal in every way.

OP posts:

Aloha · 26/02/2007 18:15

Can't you borrow it and take a photocopy? It is yours after all!

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 18:20

i suppose we could but i think it's the thought of how ds1 will feel in the future, knowing that i 'gave him up'.
also him being erased from the birth register and placed in the sdopted childrens register, and producing an adopted cert for passports etc in the future.

ob i don't think theres anything wrong with being adopted, just that to my mind ds1 isn't.

OP posts:

Aloha · 26/02/2007 18:21

And it doesn't really achieve your aim of total equality with ds2 either, does it? He's adopted and ds2 isn't. Tricky one.

prufrock · 26/02/2007 18:24

It will just be one more thing for him to blame you for when he's an obnoxious teenager ff. So really you are doing the right thing by giving him things to feel mad about - all teenagers need those.

It honestly doesn't bother me now - I completely see the logic of it. And I think your reasons for doing it are completely valid

KristinaM · 26/02/2007 20:01

just apply for another original now. anyone can apply for anyone's birth certificate. thats why its not a good proof of identity

aloha is right - its not like they are going to search your house. your Ds cant use it of course

I dont see how your Ds woudl feel that you "gave him up". No disrespect to prufrock's mum, but I think she probably reacted like that because her parents didnt tell her & she found out as a teenager. You woudl be telling DS now. you need to tell your kids everything ie secrets or other "bad" stuff BEFORE puberty. Its different nowadays anyway, parenst are usually more open with their kids

"also him being erased from the birth register and placed in the adopted childrens register"

he will not be erased from the register, its just the record for adopted children is sealed

" and producing an adopted cert for passports etc in the future."

if you apply for a passport now for him , later he will just have to prodice the old one and not his full birth cerfiticate ( which for adoped children is called an extract from the adopted childrens register)

for most other purposes in life a short birth certiciate will do eg employment

I agree that its crazy that you have to adopt him but he WILL be considered as an adoptee as DH isnt his bio father

if the adoption bit bothers you why not just get a PRO instead. I think it wont affect rights of inheritance though. need to check with a lawyer or check the act online

bonkerz · 26/02/2007 20:11

My Dh has PRO ofr DS and we decided not to go for adoption for exaclty the reasons you talk about. DH has PR and also residency order which basically means DS is DHs son on paper and that if DH and I split then Dh will have equal rights to custody and also will be liable to pay maintenance etc. Our solicitor told us that we had to apply for PR and residency for DH and also be married for 2 years before applying for adoption anyway, apparently the courts dont take on adoption cases like this until all the above are in place!

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 20:33

hadn't thought about residency order, what exactly does it mean?

dh and i have only been married since oct and seems it's ok for him to adopt ds!

OP posts:

beckybrastraps · 26/02/2007 20:41

My mum had to do this, and I'm very glad she did. It is very important to me that I am the legal, adopted child of my father. And I think it is equally important to him, especially since my parents separated.

I have never felt like my mum gave me up, because of course she didn't.

divastropwantstodrop · 26/02/2007 20:48

do you live in the uk?its just i went to see my solicitor about dp adopting my ds2,and he said step-parent adoptions have changed in the last year or so,so the step-parent adopts the child but the natural parent stays the same.we are going through this process atm,so i dont understand why you have been given different information to me?

Original poster

frazzledfairy · 26/02/2007 20:53

yes my solicitor said the process had changed in the last year and i no longer had to adopt ds1 but he wasn't sure if we would get a birth certificate as such. so i phoned the general register office who deal with all certificates (birth, adoption, death etc) and she explained to me exactly what certificate we would get and what would happen in the register. was so gutted i burst into tears on phone and asked her to double check which she did. i am in the uk btw.

OP posts:

divastropwantstodrop · 26/02/2007 21:12

cant you just get another copy of his full birth certificate from the registry office before the adoption goes through?

my solicitor only took a photocopy of my ds2's birth certificate,but i have 2 anyway.

my dp couldnt get a residency order as we arent married(and cant afford to get married in the forseeable),and also my ds2's biological father still has PR for him which i want removed(as he is a phsychopath),so adoption was the best option for us,but the residency order/step-parent parental responsibility order thing sounds alot simpler!

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