Daughter does not like MIL

[wittytwitty]

DD came to us in September. She has come on so much, smiles at everyone and is very pleasant and content. The only person she cries at is MIL.
I get on fine with MIL other than her blatant disregard for our views regarding raising our children. She expressed this when DD came home and despite being asked to stay away for a few days she showed up on day 3 with cards and DD got very distressed. This has continued and even today every time MIL even looks at her she gets upset.
I am not sure what to do. It is early days yet but MIL is the only relative nearby and has a great relationship with DS so would like to try and encourage her to be more comfortable in her presence. Any ideas?

Ah, I'm glad this has been moved to the adoption board, as it was attracting a lot of well-meaning but completely clueless posts. I'd bet any money this is adoption related.

I have been there, done that, and frankly completely failed to adequately funnel my newly placed dd, or protect her from well meaning relatives. I cringe about it now. It IS hard when you want to just get on with being a family, and when they are this age it is harder because they can't verbalise.

tbh I wouldn't focus on how to get dd used to MIL by now. I would get MIL to back off, with the promise that when dd is more firmly settled you will start reintroducing.

btw my dd came to me at a similar age and cried every time she saw a black man. Every time. Her birth father is black and though she had very limited exposure to him, you do wonder.

Totally think this is adoption related and think grandma was silly not to take the four week 'rule' seriously.

Politely tell grandma to back off.

You mentioned eh taking dd somewhere without you.

Are you the primary carer? Or is dh? Was it to grandma's house?

If you are the primary carer (the person who spends more time with her, I mean) please be careful about separating yourself from baby too early.

As far as I understand it she will bond and attach first to primary carer, then to secondary carer, then to sibling/s (if any) and then to others. Please correct Mr if anyone knows differently.

She certainly will not bond and attach successfully to multiple people at the same time.

Please do not take your dd to her grandma's house, yet, or let dh do that. It seems a very bad idea to take your dd to the house of someone she doesn't't like so early on.

Even though you know it is safe, she does not.

In time she will hopefully relax, she will IMHO take her cues from your son, and you, she will see grandma as a safe person to be around if your son shoes her this. But now IMHO is too soon.

The smoking may be a feature, may not.

As might hats/perfume/voice etc.

When young, my kids (birth dd, 12, and adopted son, 6) both hated it when I tied my hair back or wrapped a towel round my head! Does she favour any distinctive clothes/hats?

Good luck but please do focus on your own attachment first, especially as she is so young, practise funnelling and tell grandma it is too soon. Your dd can have extra granny time but not dd yet.

Thanks Italian. DH took both kids out for a couple of hours as I hadn't had any time to myself for almost 8 weeks and was getting impatient with the kids. DD was having a few bad nights and I felt myself getting very frustrated and told DH I needed a break. He was home with us for the first 4 weeks so although I am the primary carer she is very comfortable with DH and has never demonstrated a preference for me.
MIL seems to be asking to see her less since she has "rejected" her so it probably won't be too hard to put her off for a while.

Thanks wittytwitty sorry if that sounded like a criticism and of course we do all need time to ourselves.

Our son was 3 when he came and so easier to explain to!

Ah, it's all starting to fall into place...

DD has almost certainly attached to you as her primary carer. Even if she is very comfortable with DH, you are The One that she has connected with, and who she looks to for her comfort and reassurance that everything is going to be OK.

In her eyes, she said goodbye to you, was taken away by DH without you, then went to a strange house where there was a strange lady. Maybe she reminded her of someone else she has met, or maybe she was just worried that this was going to be her next home and Mummy. But she was scared and showed this by reacting to MIL very negatively.

Don't beat yourself up over it, we have all done things that in hindsight were not great. And we all need time off, it's just tricky finding the best way to do that when our options are so limited.

'Time off' here meant DC stayed home and I made myself scarce (usually to bed, sometimes out, very occasionally to gym 😂).

Time off is good.

Thanks ladies this isn't the only time she has reacted like this. No matter where we are (our house, neutral ground) or whether she is with me or DH she cries at MIL. She has only seen her in person 4/5 times and only for 20/30 mins at a time but she is really upset by her.