Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Daughter does not like MIL

82 replies

wittytwitty · 27/11/2016 16:10

DD came to us in September. She has come on so much, smiles at everyone and is very pleasant and content. The only person she cries at is MIL.
I get on fine with MIL other than her blatant disregard for our views regarding raising our children. She expressed this when DD came home and despite being asked to stay away for a few days she showed up on day 3 with cards and DD got very distressed. This has continued and even today every time MIL even looks at her she gets upset.
I am not sure what to do. It is early days yet but MIL is the only relative nearby and has a great relationship with DS so would like to try and encourage her to be more comfortable in her presence. Any ideas?

OP posts:

abbsisspartacus · 27/11/2016 17:08

my daughter used to be like this with my uncle every time he opened his mouth she screamed my aunt sent him to sit on the stairs she still heard him talking and cried again it was funny to hear my aunt scolding him for upsetting the baby (it was good natured scolding nothing aggressive about their relationship i would be surprised if they ever have a cross word tbh) it took her ages to grow out of it and she was still wary of him for a long time thing is there was no reason for it as it was just one of those things and that might be the case here

Upanddownroundandround · 27/11/2016 17:14

OP, you mentioned a DS. I wonder if he could be a key to helping here. Perhaps just have visits where you ask OP to sit and play with DS particularly but have DD in the room or house too and let her see her brother playing with MIL. Hopefully it will build confidence in DD to see MIL as a person who is good to play with and break down any barriers that are intimidating her.
Good luck OP. Not an easy situation.

leaveittothediva · 27/11/2016 17:16

Why is she Mil and not grandmother, are you going to refer her to your child as Mil, I'm confused. She obviously wants to see your child, maybe you are the problem.

dontpokethebear · 27/11/2016 17:19

leaveit have you actually read any of this thread?!

Potnoodlewilld0 · 27/11/2016 17:20

op is actually tell her not to come round or if she did make sure you and baby are out.

I really would not out the needs of an adult women in front of a child who will be feeling vunerable and be carrying hang ups. Your mil is just going to have to wait - regardless what she thinks.

Mazzystarlett · 27/11/2016 17:48

It sounds as though you need to go really gently. Maybe have photos of MIL around where they can been seen by DD and take some video so DD can get used to her voice? I'm also an adoptive parent and we were recommended to "Funnel" for at least six weeks before other members of the family were introduced. Be firm with MIL and tell her to stay away for a while!

statetrooperstacey · 27/11/2016 18:11

Hmm Maybe the fact she is adopted is a red herring. It is perfectly possible for a baby to hate someone!
When I was a baby I took against an uncle, I'm in my forties and it's still remembered by family.
My grandchild who turned one last month detests me
Really, if I make eye contact with him his face crumples and he sobs, if I put my arms put to him he actually recoils. He won't be put down in my house either , if he is being held by his parents I can see him keeping an eye on me to check where I am, he is really not happy near me at all.
It will pass I'm sure. My youngest daughter disliked my fil pretty strongly as well, he was quite offended, she loves him now but refused to have anything to do with him till about 2 and a half.
It's actually fairly common in my experience, I think just gradual exposure to her and a bit of ignoring from granny and she will come round. Congrats on your new baby!

HeyOverHere · 27/11/2016 18:11

Is dd adopted?

In this case, I don't see how this has anything to do with it. If she likes everyone else but not MIL, so that indicates something about MIL that sets her off, not that it's something related to her adoption.

SVJAA · 27/11/2016 18:18

I'm adopted and apparently when I came home I wouldn't settle for anyone but my dad. My poor mum must have had a hell of a time with me because apparently I screamed the house down when my dad went out (he worked full time) for the first 6 weeks. We never bonded, and had a horrible relationship up until 2 years ago. So babies can, and do react differently to people, and nobody has any idea what this wee soul had been through before she was adopted.

TeenAndTween · 27/11/2016 18:34

Hey With respect, you don't know what you are talking about. Have you reads the posts from the adopters in this thread referring to sensory memories in adopted children?

Not quite the same, but my AD had a panic attack at college when she say someone who looked like her birth dad, whom she hadn't seen for over 10 years.

Kewcumber · 27/11/2016 18:43

You really should et this moved to adoptions.

I met DS at 11 months and after 3 days he could barely look at me and certainly wouldn't have coped with another new person thrown into the mix. Especially if MIL tried to treat like she would any other new grandchild and hug and kiss etc.

My mum met him after about 4 weeks and it took about 2 weeks of daily contact for an hour each day to get him to be able to look her in the eye.

Your DD would have come across various people some of whom turned up and took her away from what she knew at least twice - and she may have though MIL was coming to take her away again, especially so soon after placement.

Get MIL to back off for a few weeks then contact from a distance, then contact with no eye contact etc.

Personally attachment with MIL can wait - it isn't important. At less than 3 months DD is likely not securely attached to you yet.

Adoption may well be a "red herring" as someone suggested, but the problem with taking that attitude is that there are no "do-overs". If it an attachment issue and you don't pay attention to it then you will regret it (bitter experience) - worst mistake I ever made with DS was listening to all those people who claimed "all children do that". Your DD is telling you she doesn;t feel safe with MIL, that she is scared. Listen to her and make her feel safe - your MIL's hurt feelings don't trump the need of your DD to feel safe.

MNHQ

LisaMumsnet · 27/11/2016 18:45

Just to let everyone know we're moving this to the Adoption board with the OP's permission.

Kewcumber · 27/11/2016 18:46

I also think 10-14 months is a horrible age for them to be placed - I think it's prime stranger danger/separation anxiety age for any child and being actually separated from foster parents to adoptive parents is very very hard in my experience.

I agree you need to tell MIL to back off.

Original poster

wittytwitty · 27/11/2016 18:52

Thanks Kewcumber. I have requested the thread be moved over.
I am certainly treating this as an attachment issue. My MIL should never have just turned up like that when she knew she shouldn't. Unfortunately I am not rude enough to have turned her away.
MIL still works so frequent meets are not an option. We dove facetime her a couple of times a week and she doesn't get upset but is rather indifferent.

OP posts:

ProbablyMe · 27/11/2016 18:58

No advice I'm afraid but as a baby I was apparently very smiley with everyone and everything apart from one poor aunt who I always cried at. She's actually perfectly lovely I just didn't like her as a baby for some reason. She nicknamed me Victoria in the end as I always looked like a grumpy Queen Victoria around her!

ficklesticklebricks · 27/11/2016 20:01

It's undoubtedly to do with adoption. Whether that it's attachment related, or memory related you don't know. Does her grandmother look very like her new Dad? Is an older female version of her dad confusing her? Or could she remind her of a foster carer, or social worker? I a not sure you will ever know.

I suspect time will help, and a united front on expected behaviour from your mil. It's exhausting, isn't it, a) trying to understand these tiny lovely people who have been through so much, and b) trying not to shout at all the adults who could, and should, know better, and should at least listen to the adoptive parents.

JustHappy3 · 27/11/2016 20:05

The thing with the MiL is probably going to get better over time. Say thank you to MiL for hanging in there, cut back on visits to other people's houses and discuss with your social workers.
But for me the bit about her "smiling at everyone else" is the real thing sounding klaxons and alarm bells. It screams possible attachment issues. Sorry i know that sounds a bit negative but don't let your irritation with mil blind you to other potential problems. It's perhaps only mil that she's showing her true feelings for at this stage because her smell/look affects her so much.

Original poster

wittytwitty · 27/11/2016 20:42

Thanks. DH does not really look like MIL nor does she resemble lo's SW or FC.
I guess we will never know why she is so adverse to her but will follow advice and hope it helps.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 27/11/2016 20:44

Unfortunately I am not rude enough to have turned her away.

Trust me - you get ruder!

If she can;t do frequent short visits then I'd put things off for quite some while. Be "out" a lot when she suggests visiting.

Facetime is perfect - DD won;t be aware that its a real person not the TV and it will keep your MIL happy - job done!

OlennasWimple · 27/11/2016 22:15

The standard advice - which I think is spot on! - is to treat an issue as if it is adoption-related, even if it is something that "all children do", because your approach to tackling it is likely to be different because your DC is adopted.

As well as getting ruder () you also learn to filter out well-meaning advice about what is typical for DC of their age...

Original poster

wittytwitty · 28/11/2016 07:45

Thanks ladies. The thing is she never comes to our home, we always have to go to hers so for her to just turn up like that was very unexpected. We haven't been pushing the issue. We have just noticed the difference in her behaviour towards mil when she is around compared to others she has seen. She has only seen her half a dozen times maybe less.

I will have a look at some attachment building exercises.

OP posts:

tldr · 28/11/2016 11:20

It's such early days, I'd go back to funnelling as much as you possibly can at the moment. It's obviously impossible to know for sure, but I'd be worried LO thinks you're doing intros all over again with MIL and that she thinks she's going to get handed over again. (There was one poster who posted here whose LO thought settling in days at school were 'intros' all over again so it wouldn't be unique to you...)

So I'd be prepared to take a pretty firm stance now tbh, and brace yourself for the Christmas upset that is likely to follow, but LO's needs need to come first. (How about a 'related through adoption' book for MIL's Xmas present? )

Original poster

wittytwitty · 28/11/2016 13:22

TDLR She wouldn't read it! She thinks she knows best and there is no difference between her and our DS.
Luckily we have said we are having an indian buffet for xmas dinner so inlaws are not joining us

OP posts:

conserveisposhforjam · 28/11/2016 14:19

Ah. A close relative who knows it all and won't compromise for anyone.

Now where have I heard a story like that before?

You're going to need to practise your toddler behaviour management skills on her op. Distract, repeat explanation and DO NOT BACK DOWN!

leaveittothediva · 29/11/2016 09:50

dontpokethebear

What up, poke, don't have your own opinion on anything, so you feel the need to comment on mine. Keyboard warrior......

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread