Daughter does not like MIL

[wittytwitty]

DD came to us in September. She has come on so much, smiles at everyone and is very pleasant and content. The only person she cries at is MIL.
I get on fine with MIL other than her blatant disregard for our views regarding raising our children. She expressed this when DD came home and despite being asked to stay away for a few days she showed up on day 3 with cards and DD got very distressed. This has continued and even today every time MIL even looks at her she gets upset.
I am not sure what to do. It is early days yet but MIL is the only relative nearby and has a great relationship with DS so would like to try and encourage her to be more comfortable in her presence. Any ideas?

Late she is not yet spent time with anyone alone and wont for a while.

Autumn her SW is visiting this week so I will mention it.

Maybe a long shot but does your MIL smoke or wear heavy perfume? Smells can trigger lots of memories good and bad for small children.

She does smoke yes. And so did DD's birth mum. It is possible this bothers her but she is a secret smoker and as someone who detests smoking I cannot smell it on her.

My DD, who is not adopted, went through this stage with my lovely FIL from around 1 to 18 months. Screamed blue murder every time he so much as glanced at her. We just carried on with visits as normal, and she got over it. Adores him now.

I am willing to bet your DD can smell smoke on her and it reminds her of her birth mother. Small children have a much better developed sense of smell than we do as adults.

Bit of a stretch bluesky

Firstly congratulations on your DD

Secondly, get this thread moved over to the adoptions board

Possibly Blue - Not sure what I can do if this is the case.

MIL does all she can to cover up that she smokes. It is a running joke amongst all the family.

Do you think MiL might have met your DD too soon? We're (hopefully) about to start intros with an eight month old and have been told no contact with anyone but ourselves for at least six weeks as it could compromise secondary attachment building? I know all SW and LAs have different rules, but perhaps it was a bit too soon for your daughter?

I'm sure you have tried this already, but have you thought about giving MIL some of the adoption specific relatives' books to read?
Someone sent me this link recently which I thought was quite useful:

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/08/14/10-things-adoptive-parents-wish-their-friends-and-family-understood_n_7329994.html

I don't think so at all. I am social worker and have done a lot of training about child development and things which affect children who were neglected during and after birth. You would be surprised at what can affect infants.

When she was a couple of months old, my niece took against me.

She'd see me coming and, even though I was nowhere near her, howl as if I was murdering her. It was embarrassing.

It's a phase, there can be one person or a number of people she'll do it to, it stops eventually.

My guess is also it's a sensory thing.
No suggestions, apart from maybe meet in a swimming pool

Congrats on your new arrival. Do you know about the adoption board under Becoming a parent?

(adopter)

Aww that's a shame poor Dd and poor Granny too she was obviously excited to see Dd she did stay away for a few days like you asked. Does your Mil make you tense maybe your baby is feeding off that ? Just keep at it I'm sure your Dd will get used to gran maybe get mil to just ignore her but get her to be playing with a toy see if it perks the babies curiosity

despite being asked to stay away for a few days she showed up on day 3
gives me the impression you feel slightly irritated generally by your MIL

Babies and young children pick up quickly on their carers feeling.I am guessing you feel a bit tense around your MIL ? or at least the first time she came round you did and that is where your DD 'learned' it

Babies can react to people.

Dd2 hated people in glasses and loved hats.
She used to choose someone on the bus with a hat on (usually a young teenage lad) and coo at him. Anyone with glasses on got full on tears.
Child I nannied went through a terrified of men stage. Man only had to look at her (except her dad) and you'd see her bottom lip going quivery.

I would just play it to mil that she's still very nervous of anyone except you (parents) and she needs to take it really gently.
I know with the child I was a nanny for her granddad used to hold out something she'd like on his hand and keep on talking to other people. She'd then creep up and take it, and he'd initially just ignore that she'd done that and then gradually would say how happy he was she'd taken it. It was a long process but she did get there in the end.

OP children's sense of smell is more acute than adults.
My advice would be for your MIL to ignore your DD entirely until DD makes advances herself.
So difficult for young children adapting to new home when they cannot adequately comprehend what is happening or express their feelings.
IME young babies often present as being uncomfortable, hyper-vigilant etc when having contact with birth mother/parents so if your DD was anxious with birth family she is likely to transfer this to anyone who reminds her of them. Contact usually continues until a placement order is made so not very long before she was placed with you.
Are you in touch with her foster carer's? They might be able to give you some clues.

Does your dd have a photo life story book? Would it be possible to include photos if all grandparents in their and use that as a way to re introduce MIL? Ie Mil backs off for a bit, but you look at her photo as part of your family photos and talk about her etc, then reintroduce her?

This might be one for the Adoptions board, OP? There'll be lots of experienced posters there

Perhaps ask HQ to move it?

Thanks everyone, I do know about the adoption board yes.

I am not anxious of MIL. We get on great but she attended a family workshop where the experts told her that DD would need time to adjust to a new family and home and that we should be left for at least 4 WEEKS. We told her we would see how things were going after 2 weeks and she turned up after a couple of DAYS. Her attitude was "we don't need to tell SS". No thought that it may actually be for her benefit rather than just a random rule SS like to impose for no reason.
I have tried hard to to help MIL to approach her in the right way but it isn't working. Plus I wasn't there today. DH went without me and said that she won't go near her and cried everytime she as much as looked at her for more than a minute. She was fine with everyone else and MIL knows this and is visibly upset by it.

OP, apparently I was like this with an Auntie.
I met birth family a few years ago and the resemblance between birth Aunties and adoptive Auntie were uncanny.
Unfortunately my adoptive parents had already passed away and I was unable to tell them that this may be the case.
I had a lovely relationship with my auntie and we even went on holiday together when I was a teen.
Give your baby time, she will come round and as she grows will look to her granny for love, affection and will give both back, I'm sure.

As an adopter, I second the suggestion upthread that visits so soon may be a bit much. She has been removed from everything she ever knew and needs time to attach to you and get used to her new home as her sanctuary. I imagine you know all about cocooning, hence your irritation with MIL. Our son came home at eight months and we initially introduced family by FaceTime and then meetings in neutral locations at 4-8 weeks. No one came to our house: that was his sanctuary and the sw visits were enough! I think it was about 4-5 months until we allowed anyone round. It worked for us but it worked because our family listened. These first few months are so very crucial to bond-building- having MIL pitching up when she wants could cause issues. Is your partner on board? A united front is v important. YANBU but I think the adoption boards might be a better place for this thread.

You would be surprised at what can affect infants.

Oh I don't doubt that at all bluesky. I just meant that we have no information on the specifics of this adoption - whether DD lived with her birth mother, was taken away at birth etc. Impossible to know without more info from OP.

does she wear glasses? or hair colour an issue maybe ask the social worker if there is any backstory with older ladies?

Your MIL needs to back off. Social workers involved with adoptions are usually very experienced and know what is best for children setting into a new family. Speak to your social worker about this when you see them this week. Congratulations on your adoption btw!

maybe worth taking a step back and doing some intensive funnelling for a few weeks, to promote your primary attachment, and then gradually reintroduce MiL (as she should have been in the first instance)