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Adoption

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Original poster

would a child's look put you off?

33 replies

websterl · 19/08/2016 20:12

I don't mean this to come across arsey at all. I'm just curious if you feel that a child needs to be beautiful, in your eyes? Would you mind them being overweight, etc.?

OP posts:

Hels20 · 19/08/2016 20:56

I am sure I am going to be flamed here but when we were adopting DS, I definitely felt I couldn't connect with some children because of their looks - not necessarily over weight. they looked nothing like me.i felt empty. They didn't look like a child of mine.

DS was not attractive at all in his photos or even when he first came to live with us (he was scrawny, awful hair etc) but I fell in love with him because of his smile.

Now of course I think he is beautiful- but he might not be to other people.

We don't have hormones raging round our bodies and so I think it is sometimes harder to fall in love with a child - there has to be something. For us? It was his smile.

littleredrobin1985 · 19/08/2016 21:32

I think you have to feel something. We read all about our child and saw the photo only after we said we wanted to know more. I thought they were beautiful! Interestingly, my husband thought they were funny looking

tybalt22 · 19/08/2016 21:48

We instantly said no to children we didn't think were cute. Because they weren't our idea of cute, which is each to their own. We felt that we had the right to be picky this was our only means of being parents and if it's going to be hard work with all the attachment and emotional neglect we at least deserved to look at a little cutie. I think adopters or potential adopters need to cut ourselves some slack. Hope I don't agenda anyone.

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 19/08/2016 23:01

I don't think I would have said no to a child based on looks in a photo. I didn't feel I needed to 'feel' anything or make a connection with the image either.

Photos often aren't very representative of a person anyway. Some people are really photogenic.

jimbob1 · 20/08/2016 08:06

Our match is so chubby! I think lo is cute so am drawn. I don't think I would have turned down on looks alone.

TearingDownTheWall · 20/08/2016 15:49

I wouldn't decide on a match on appearance. Apart from anything, all the LA photos we saw were grim. We filtered on what we felt was the best match for us. My LO doesn't really look like their picture - it's the expressions and personality that changes everything from a static pic to real life. But obviously once placed with us, I realised we literally had the most adorable child in the world.

Kitkatandcake · 20/08/2016 20:46

The photo we were shown of our LO was horrific. We weren't fussed about looks as we're a pair of old hags on a good day but that photo would have put most people off. When we finally met LO we almost didn't recognise them! I think the FC, God love 'em, just couldn't take a decent photo. The hardest part I've found isn't that they don't look like us but their smell. We're a few years down the line now and the smell of them still catches me off guard. Although today they wet themself so it was mostly stale urine filling the air ;)

user7755 · 20/08/2016 20:49

They told us about our LO before showing us a photo.

The big eyes and face covered in ice cream sealed the deal.

Rainatnight · 20/08/2016 21:57

Kitkatandcake can you say a bit more about what you mean about the smell? Do you mean they don't smell like you? I've never thought of that before and I confess it would unnerve me a bit.

greenandblackssurvivalkit · 20/08/2016 22:17

The smell is unnerving! It reminds me of another member of my family that was brought up as a very close relative (and is a very close relative), but a different genetic background. The smell is a reminder, sometimes, a jarring sense. But you don't get to smell them before matching! And it doesn't affect the love.

SpookyRachel · 20/08/2016 23:09

Yes, I think looks mattered to me. Not how beautiful they were, but whether they looked like my kind of kid (not looking like me - dd looks nothing like me and never did, different ethnicity for a start - but some kind of recognition). It's very subjective - I couldn't ever see myself with a blonde child, for example.

As it turns out, dd is quite stunningly pretty - I just gawp at her sometimes - but that wasn't evident when she was 6 months old.

Kitkatandcake · 20/08/2016 23:18

It's like when you go to a friends house, or borrow an item of their clothing, and it has a distinct and personal smell. My child has their own distinct smell. It's not bad at all. In fact some days I soak up the smell like they're a little newborn and I'm learning all about them, and yet sometimes it's a massive reminder that they smell like someone else, like their birth family. It really doesn't cause issues, it just wasn't something I was expecting.

Rainatnight · 21/08/2016 13:28

Gosh, I'd not thought of that at all. Does everyone experience it?

user7755 · 21/08/2016 15:21

No, not here!

bostonkremekrazy · 21/08/2016 16:23

yes the smell here too.....they absolutely do not smell like my children. we are almost 8 years in and it catches me off guard sometimes, i have to wash clothes more than mine and my BC so they can smell more like our washing powder then their normal smell.
lots of adopters do acknowledge it, and its not a horrible or bad thing - i could pick them out of a line up with my eyes closed, all 4 of mine smell differently - but the older 2 just smell very unique, even getting out of the bath i could sniff them out.
my bc simply smells like 'us'.
the ac baby has the odd day of smelling like the older 2, but not so strong IYKWIM.

tldr · 21/08/2016 18:18

Never heard of this before, and totally unaware of it!

arielmanto · 21/08/2016 20:48

There was an article circulated by our LA about the smell thing, a Julie Selwyn essay about people reporting their AC didn't smell right.. I've hunted it out of my emails, let's see if it attaches here.. Nope, won't go. PM me if you want me to email it!

PotofGold1186 · 21/08/2016 21:56

My lo smells ok to me she just smells like bath stuff and my washing powder! Isn't that strange, I wonder if it will change as she grows up! It makes perfect sense, if you think how smell is how most animals recognise their young.

campervancharlie · 22/08/2016 02:59

Hey websterl, I'm new here so i don't know if you're an adopter/prospective adopter, or someone whose child is being given up for adoption.
If your child has been given up for adoption, then I trust that however you feel their looks may be judged, that the people who have adopted them/ will adopt them will be doing it because they have room in their hearts and lives to love them and take really good care of them.
The conversation about smell is an interesting one - I wonder how many adopted children are affected everyday by the fact that their adoptive parents don't smell like them? Smell being the sense most closely related to memory. Maybe a reminder that jars them or triggers certain behaviours?

Chicklette · 22/08/2016 03:09

I was taken aback by the smell of my kids, their smell was not how I had imagined it to be but a few years in and it feels more familiar. I hate when they come back from nursary or other people's houses and they smell of the people who were caring for them- it makes me feel like licking them like a Mama lion would do!!! My partner thinks I am odd and I have never actually licked them I just chuck them in the bath!!

Chicklette · 22/08/2016 03:12

And the fact that they don't look anything like me or like the birth children I imagined I might have one day, impacted on me more than I thought it would. It's all been fine and it wasn't a huge big deal but I was surprised at how I felt.

HaveAWeeNap · 23/08/2016 08:55

research-information.bristol.ac.uk/files/53775401/Odour_final.pdf

I hope this works...

Whatslovegottodo · 23/08/2016 09:46

I wonder if I do not have a good sense of smell . I have never smelt another persons smell beyond obvious things like BO, perfume, washing powder etc. Do people find their partners smell then too as they are not biologically related? Just curious as it is a new one on me!

greenandblackssurvivalkit · 23/08/2016 11:43

I know I do have a good sense of smell. I'm allergic to many perfumes, so my life has been largely perfume free, and I wonder if that helps?

I think we're attracted to partners that smell different to us. But those smells we like. But I would imagine we then merge, to create a family smell.

OlennasWimple · 23/08/2016 17:41

Fascinating article on smells!

DD does smell different to DH and DS - personally I love her smell (I can occasionally be found sniffing her head when we cuddle), but it is definitely different. I'd not thought about it as an indicator of different genes, but it's so obvious isn't it.

Back to the OP, we saw a photo before reading DD's profile, and I felt an instant connection but DH didn't. We didn't read many profiles, so not a lot of experience to draw on, but I think you need something to spark the connection, whether that's a physical thing or a biographical detail that "speaks" to you for some reason.

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