would a child's look put you off?

[websterl]

I don't mean this to come across arsey at all. I'm just curious if you feel that a child needs to be beautiful, in your eyes? Would you mind them being overweight, etc.?

[Chicklette]

I thought I would resurrect thus thread after a few comments from my kids recently. Particularly when my ADS 4 gets into bed with us in the morning, he holds his nose and he as started to say things like "urgh, it stinks in here" "your smell is making me sick" etc! My daughter 3 said "you smell gross" followed by "what's gross mean??" The other morning!!!
I would like to add that nether me or my partner are particularly smelly!! Although I'm sure we both have morning breath but in general smell no better or worse than anyone else!!!
I'm writing this lightheartedly, particularly as my son is highly likely to call me "poo poo head" or other delightful things so I suspect it's all part of them just being at that stage. However, this morning, unprompted, he said he likes the way his bio sister smells best, which I thought was interesting. Although at 3, she obviously smells less than an adult.
I was very aware of the difference in the kids smell when they arrive and the way that it changes over time. And all through my life I have always been quite aware/ attracted by smells in general so it continues to be interesting to me.
Anyway, I thought I would just share.
I'm off to have a shower and brush my teeth again now!!!

[toomanypetals]

As an adoptee I find this thread distasteful and awful.

Children sense unconditional love. I know I did. Maybe I wasn't the right 'smell' or 'look'. I know my adoptive mother didn't bond with me. Nor me her. So I was essentially rejected twice. It's taken almost 40 years to get my head round that

[MypocketsarelikeNarnia]

I was very conscious of smell because I notice it all the time with Dh and my bc - I can just sit and sniff their heads (in an entirely not - weird way) And I noticed that my ac didn't smell like us at first and it worried me a bit.

He does now :) I love sniffing his head now :) I do wonder if I'm just smelling me on them all - from where I've been smooching their heads...

Glad that's all normal then.

[2old2beamum]

Hmm good job my lot did not see a picture of us they may have said no way But no we love quirky. Mind you when I met number5I burst into tears!

[Clockworklemon]

Yes to the smell.. To begin with she smelt very strongly different, not unpleasant, a kind of sweet and sour smell, but I didn't like it and I felt an aversion to it for a good year.

I've realised through this whole adoption process that us humans are more "animal " than I'd previously realised.
Having 2 X BC who have a certain look, I have struggled with AC who doesn't look, smell, have the characteristics and similar nature of my other two.
I've felt very animal through the process and it has taken me a while to overcome the "you're not my child " feelings I very strongly had.
I'm getting there, my DH bonded immediately and I wondered if it was because men are programmed to "accept " a child handed over to them whereas in nature the female bonds as the baby grows inside them, smells like them, they feed them at the right distance for eye contact etc, all programmed for bonding. Obviously many adoptive parents have bonded instantly, just my experience. But I had thought of myself as a maternal person so it was a shock not to "feel it"

I don't notice her smell so much now 18 months in, and she is beautiful in her complicated little nature and I love her face now.

We decided that we wouldn't look at any photos as we were worried that we would say yes for the wrong reason. We waited until we were matched and I'm glad we did it that way as she was meant to be ours.

[Cabawill]

I saw lots and lots of profiles of children in a short space of time but none seemed to connect. Not necessarily because they were overweight or anything specific. When I saw the picture of my (then) chubby DD with a cheeky smile and shiny hair and my skinny DS who was smiling but had sad eyes I just knew. People that don't know that they're adopted often say "she's got your smile" to me, which makes me feel great.

As a family growing up, myself and my brothers were all really funny about smells of our clothes and house and ourselves. We're still the same and very sensitive to smell (not sure why) but when my brother went to Australia for 2 years, he mentioned that after 18 months he found one unworn jumper at the bottom of his bag that DM had washed and packed before he left. He said he burst into tears because it smelt like home and he missed us all so much.

Luckily my DC seem to have taken on our smell. I do find that they have a weird smell just before they get ill that only I can smell. My DD can recognise who's item of clothing is whose just by giving it a quick sniff at 5.

It's a very interesting topic.

[Themoleandcrew]

When I first saw a photo of our children I was blown away by how gorgeous one of them was, and how odd the other looked. It wasn't enough to put us off and as it turned out the odd looking child has blossomed into such a beautiful girl that strangers stop me to say how gorgeous she is. Not that it matters, I'd still love her if she was odd looking.
As for the smell thing. Now that you mention it my kids do smell a bit odd to me. I never thought about why before but it's an interesting point.

[HaveAWeeNap]

We were sent an email asking if we were interested in our LO.
Two sentences in I was hooked. (Perhaps our SW writes novels in her spare time)

In all seriousness, after the one email I was somehow just drawn to our child.
However, to answer the OP. Previously we were sent details of a child who ticked all of our criteria, on paper he was perfect. When our SW sent a photo we rejected him.
We felt so bad. This child had already been through so much. And we said 'no'. But I just didn't 'feel it'. He wasn't for us.
We asked to be linked to our child from a preliminary email. We were then sent four photos. After that they set up a meeting for us where we saw LO but they didn't see us.
Our child is model beautiful.
But we said 'yes' before we even saw photos.
And as to his smell?
Maybe I don't have a great sense of smell. But he smells tremendous when he climbs up the shelves, grabs my favourite perfume and sprays it on both of us!
Other than that. I don't register how he smells
I think sometimes you just know...

[OlennasWimple]

Fascinating article on smells!

DD does smell different to DH and DS - personally I love her smell (I can occasionally be found sniffing her head when we cuddle), but it is definitely different. I'd not thought about it as an indicator of different genes, but it's so obvious isn't it.

Back to the OP, we saw a photo before reading DD's profile, and I felt an instant connection but DH didn't. We didn't read many profiles, so not a lot of experience to draw on, but I think you need something to spark the connection, whether that's a physical thing or a biographical detail that "speaks" to you for some reason.

[greenandblackssurvivalkit]

I know I do have a good sense of smell. I'm allergic to many perfumes, so my life has been largely perfume free, and I wonder if that helps?

I think we're attracted to partners that smell different to us. But those smells we like. But I would imagine we then merge, to create a family smell.

[Whatslovegottodo]

I wonder if I do not have a good sense of smell . I have never smelt another persons smell beyond obvious things like BO, perfume, washing powder etc. Do people find their partners smell then too as they are not biologically related? Just curious as it is a new one on me!

[HaveAWeeNap]

research-information.bristol.ac.uk/files/53775401/Odour_final.pdf


I hope this works...

[Chicklette]

And the fact that they don't look anything like me or like the birth children I imagined I might have one day, impacted on me more than I thought it would. It's all been fine and it wasn't a huge big deal but I was surprised at how I felt.

[Chicklette]

I was taken aback by the smell of my kids, their smell was not how I had imagined it to be but a few years in and it feels more familiar. I hate when they come back from nursary or other people's houses and they smell of the people who were caring for them- it makes me feel like licking them like a Mama lion would do!!! My partner thinks I am odd and I have never actually licked them I just chuck them in the bath!!

[campervancharlie]

Hey websterl, I'm new here so i don't know if you're an adopter/prospective adopter, or someone whose child is being given up for adoption.
If your child has been given up for adoption, then I trust that however you feel their looks may be judged, that the people who have adopted them/ will adopt them will be doing it because they have room in their hearts and lives to love them and take really good care of them.
The conversation about smell is an interesting one - I wonder how many adopted children are affected everyday by the fact that their adoptive parents don't smell like them? Smell being the sense most closely related to memory. Maybe a reminder that jars them or triggers certain behaviours?

[PotofGold1186]

My lo smells ok to me she just smells like bath stuff and my washing powder! Isn't that strange, I wonder if it will change as she grows up! It makes perfect sense, if you think how smell is how most animals recognise their young.

[arielmanto]

There was an article circulated by our LA about the smell thing, a Julie Selwyn essay about people reporting their AC didn't smell right.. I've hunted it out of my emails, let's see if it attaches here.. Nope, won't go. PM me if you want me to email it!

[tldr]

Never heard of this before, and totally unaware of it!

[bostonkremekrazy]

yes the smell here too.....they absolutely do not smell like my children. we are almost 8 years in and it catches me off guard sometimes, i have to wash clothes more than mine and my BC so they can smell more like our washing powder then their normal smell.
lots of adopters do acknowledge it, and its not a horrible or bad thing - i could pick them out of a line up with my eyes closed, all 4 of mine smell differently - but the older 2 just smell very unique, even getting out of the bath i could sniff them out.
my bc simply smells like 'us'.
the ac baby has the odd day of smelling like the older 2, but not so strong IYKWIM.

[user7755]

No, not here!

[Rainatnight]

Gosh, I'd not thought of that at all. Does everyone experience it?

[Kitkatandcake]

It's like when you go to a friends house, or borrow an item of their clothing, and it has a distinct and personal smell. My child has their own distinct smell. It's not bad at all. In fact some days I soak up the smell like they're a little newborn and I'm learning all about them, and yet sometimes it's a massive reminder that they smell like someone else, like their birth family. It really doesn't cause issues, it just wasn't something I was expecting.

[SpookyRachel]

Yes, I think looks mattered to me. Not how beautiful they were, but whether they looked like my kind of kid (not looking like me - dd looks nothing like me and never did, different ethnicity for a start - but some kind of recognition). It's very subjective - I couldn't ever see myself with a blonde child, for example.

As it turns out, dd is quite stunningly pretty - I just gawp at her sometimes - but that wasn't evident when she was 6 months old.

[greenandblackssurvivalkit]

The smell is unnerving! It reminds me of another member of my family that was brought up as a very close relative (and is a very close relative), but a different genetic background. The smell is a reminder, sometimes, a jarring sense. But you don't get to smell them before matching! And it doesn't affect the love.

[Rainatnight]

Kitkatandcake can you say a bit more about what you mean about the smell? Do you mean they don't smell like you? I've never thought of that before and I confess it would unnerve me a bit.