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Original poster

Adopting For a Second time - anyone regretted it?

36 replies

Hels20 · 07/08/2016 23:35

We are currently contemplating this - DS been with us for 3 years and me and DH feel a bit like it is now or never. Slightly worried that we may be getting too old if it doesn't happen soon (for some reason been thinking about retirement this last week - must be the school holidays and the lovely weather and the freedom retirement would bring!).

Anyway - I can't quite decide whether it is a good idea or not. I have always wanted another child/ large family but life didn't quite have that plan. My main concern is age (I am 40ish, DH a fair bit older) and whether we would be "lucky" second time round as we feel that our DS is pretty perfect (he isn't but he is for us) - I feel as though we are throwing the dice again and it could turn into a nightmare. I know some people on this board have adopted more than once but does anyone regret it? If so, why? Anyone else got cold feet about adopting again but plunged ahead and it went ok?

I like my life at the moment and DS enriches it beyond anything. i do feel incredibly lucky. So I have been thinking - why upset the apple cart? (except I do want another child!).

Sorry this is rambling.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/08/2016 02:55

We did not adopt twice but adopted when birth dd was nine and dd was three. I don't regret it.

islurpmyspaghetti · 08/08/2016 15:02

Sorry I can't offer an opinion, Hels20, but I'm in a very similar position to you so I will watch this thread with interest. I can't believe that we'd get so 'lucky' second time round and I can't help but be very fearful that it wouldn't be a positive experience for DS.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 08/08/2016 20:56

Another one here with a completely unhelpful post, but sympathy.

We're in a similar position. We have got the process moving for Number 2, but I do keep thinking that it's impossible that we'd be so lucky again and life is so good now. It's reassuring that others feel the same way.

For us, a big push is that DD is so keen on a sibling, though I guess you're not supposed to say that to SW....

Original poster
Hels20 · 08/08/2016 21:05

You are all making me feel much better! I think we will go ahead and just believe we can be lucky second time round too! It's just the uncertainty - it's been giving me sleepless nights!

OP posts:
tldr · 09/08/2016 00:04

We decided if we'd have known then what we know now we wouldn't have adopted first time round. So I'm glad we didn't know it we wouldn't have our lovely DC.

Helpful? Thought not...

Tishtash22teeth · 09/08/2016 01:18

Adopted dd after ds had been with us almost 2 years. Not regretted it for a second!

bramblina · 09/08/2016 01:41

I have no experience at all and sorry if I sound condescending, but is it very much like having a biological 2nd or third child? You would never regret it surely, they would be your dc, for sure? When we decided to go for No.3 knowing it would be hard as dh is abroad 5 days/7 I wondered if I would ever think it was a bad idea- and actually yes it is hard, it's not ideal, 2 kids is perfect and would have been easy, but I do not regret it for a second because he is our 3rd child and we adore him. Adopting is as much a "choice" as conceiving in that we make the decision whether to take that jump or not and as you say- will dc No 2 or 3 be as wonderful as No1? My dc1 was a dream-from pg to about age 3 Grin then dc 2 a little more tricky (reflux etc) then dc3 is just a whirlwind! I think it will always be the way though!

Just go for it, if you want another child, have one!!

Funnily enough dc1's friend is staying over tonight who is adopted, he is dc2 for the family but dc1 was biological.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 09/08/2016 09:50

bramblina

With respect, broadly speaking it is so not like having another bio child.

The already placed child will have been through traumatic times to need adopting, bringing a new child into the mix could be way more unsettling for them than for a bio child.

The new child comes with a traumatic past with probably many holes in the history, and potential unknown issues. They may need masses more time and energy than a new born bio child, which again takes away time from a possibly needy older AC.

Plus then, if you have 2 children with different backgrounds they may have different contact which can cause issues, not look similar (feelings of belonging), massive difference in intelligence (yes this can happen in bio but more likely in adopted) etc.

pleasemothermay1 · 09/08/2016 21:30

We have a 3.5 child and adopted a 1 year old 4 months ago

At first we thought what the hell have we done

Roll on to toady and they love each other dearly

At the start the 3 year old found it very very thought tbh I think it brought a lot of stuff up for her today any who dares to speak to dd2 dd1 shouts that's my sister she is I love her more than egg (her fav food is egg) that says it all really

pleasemothermay1 · 09/08/2016 21:32

My children have very similar background and have the same contact that's one of the reasons we choose her tbh

There stories are almost the same if you blanked out the names on the CPR ypu really couldn't tell witch one it's about

Have to say my 15 hours free is worth its weight

Gobbledeygook · 09/08/2016 23:41

Hi Hels20
Been there, lived that very same dilemma. Perfect AC1, then took on AC2 and truly thought we might disrupt at the beginning, it was so hard. A year later I couldn't be more in love with AC2 and vice versa although AC1 is still ambivalent.
One thing is that you will likely have plenty of time to consider the question carefully since the climate is still a difficult one in the adoption world and you will probably have to wait longer for a match than you did before.
I wish you all the best.

Italiangreyhound · 10/08/2016 10:16

Hels how are you feeling?

Truffle87 · 10/08/2016 19:33

No help from here either but I feel incredibly broody. It's too soon at the moment as LO is to young but I have days of just being completely happy with one child and other days of thinking how great it would be to have another but worry about the implications. I'm also not sure how the practicalities of intros would work with already having another child. I'm presuming they just come with you to get to know their new sibling?

cantthinkofannewname · 14/08/2016 21:23

We adopted our DC1's birth sibling having heard there was another one on the way. Some days I have a lovely time with DC1 and think "why did we mess up their life?" because DC1 really struggles with less attention from us. But as they get older they can play a bit more together and DC1 asks if we can do X with DC2 next time and my heart melts.

They have a new birth sibling too and DC1 asks to see pictures - we decided it wasn't fair on them to adopt another one. BPs have been trying very hard with the new baby but now baby is in FC and no obvious sign of going back to BPs but our minds are made up. We just hope we can one day get more than just pictures.

Original poster
Hels20 · 14/08/2016 21:49

Thanks all for your comments. Thanks Sanders for your post - exactly my thoughts. It is partly the same as having a second birth child but it is so different because you are taking on two children who have had a huge bereavement in their lives and have difficult life stories.

When I posted this originally I was having sleepless nights. I know it will be hard. But I think if we are lucky enough to get a second one placed, we will take him/her. We go to panel shortly for approval. Then the searching starts...

OP posts:
gabsdot · 17/08/2016 16:10

Sometimes I regret adopting our DD. She has some minor special needs and is hard work sometimes. I had depression after her adoption and the first few years were really hard work.
Now I have the stress of 2 kids fighting and I think if we just had DS, who is aged 12 our lives would be so much simpler.
However DD is lovely and we love her enormously and I do love having a boy and a girl and our house is always noisy and full of their friends which is nice in it's own way.
Don't adopt again unless you want it as much as you wanted it the first time. You'll need all your strength and energy to do it.
Plus one final piece of advice that someone gave me about going from having 1 child to having 2. You'll think it'll be double the work, no it's 6 times the work.

KittyD1 · 30/08/2016 20:38

Hello this is my first post on mumsnet and I've been drawn by the supportive nature of discussions on the adoption threads in particular. I know it goes with out saying that everyone's situation is different though we adopted two boys siblings , placements starting 6 weeks apart almost 3 yrs ago ( now 4 and 7 yr old boys). I agree with comments that it's more than two as I feel you each individual and their relationship too. It's hard work though also wonderful as they play together, get to practise how to be with other kids , are nurturing to each other ( sometimes 😉) I hope in time they will find support in the fact they're both adopted and will get how that feels . what ever you decide I hope you get the support you need x

Summerwood1 · 13/09/2016 22:59

I now regret adopting. We adopted our beautiful daughter at the age of 21 months. She was the loveliest child you could of met. Pretty and a complete delight. Fast forward to teenage years,she changed so much. Became obsessed with social media,got in with the wrong crowd. Wouldn't accept any boundaries. Assaulted me on a few occasions and had to get the police involved. Social services completly let us down,no help or support at all.

2old2beamum · 14/09/2016 21:23

Having had 3 homegrowns have adopted 8 we have been so lucky even 3 deciding to die (2 did come with short life expectancy) but Stefen did the dirty on us bless him but would not have missed a thing with any of them. Adopting has been the best thing we have ever done.

Davies162 · 19/09/2016 14:25

Has anyone adopted for a second time where the children have had to share a bedroom?

Wibble5 · 30/01/2018 18:40

Hi, I’m in a similar situation to you in that I am starting to think of adopting again, although I am adopting as a single mom.

I would love to know if you went ahead and how it worked out for you if you would be happy to share with me.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 31/01/2018 19:59

We went ahead with adopting DD2. We're a few months in and it is very tiring and we have certainly had our moments. Saying that, I'm so glad we did.

Original poster
Hels20 · 31/01/2018 21:23

Hello Wibble - we did go ahead and DS2 is wonderful. He was under 18 months when he was placed with us and has been with us for over a year. The first 5 months were very tough but he and DS1 have now developed a lovely bond and they are very cute together.

However, I had an exceptionally strong network (stronger than I had the first time round) which has been invaluable in getting me through some very dark times.

We had totally underestimated the impact on DS1. Totally. Yes - they have a great bond - but I think it has made DS1 much more aware of his own adoption and he struggles with that.

I do wonder if we should have stuck at 1 - just because of the impact on DS1. And I have spent almost all of today trying to work whilst having lots of crying fits because of some behaviour that went on today at school.

OP posts:
Wibble5 · 01/02/2018 10:33

Thank you Hels. I am a single parent & most of my concerns come from that so yes, support is required & I do think it will upset DS1 a lot even though he is asking for a brother or sister. Glad to hear it’s working out well now x

Pookythebear · 01/02/2018 16:36

We adopted DS2 when DS1 was 3.5 (we had him from 16 months). DS2 was FtA at a few weeks old. Best thing we ever did. To see them grow and bond is a beautiful thing!

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