Holiday advice!

[Mrscollydog]

Hi all,
As many of you know we are 4 weeks into placement with our little dot who is 18 months. After a difficult start she has settled wonderfully and is just a joy to have around despite being a bit of a diva. We have a great routine and she is thriving, the attachment between us all is getting stronger every day and despite the initial rejection of me, we are now inseparable.

So at the weekend we are due to go away (4hrs drive) to BS rugby tour. He has been looking forward to this well before the match happened. We made a decision that he would still be able to go. Its also close to my family so they will be able to meet the dot. Its 4 nights in a static caravan with some matches. Lots of familiar faces will be there and dot is now well accustomed to cheering her big bro on in the cold.

Just terrified its going to upset the apple cast and break what we have worked so hard to achieve. Any of you wonderful experienced people have any words of wisdom? Is it too soon? should we send BS and DH leaving me and the dot at home(this feels like a bad idea to me as think separating us will do more damage!)?

Just wobbling about it.

Mrscolly, I just wanted to say you don't sound uncaring at all. Please don't worry about that on top of any other possible concerns you have at the moment.

I was going to say that too.

And also that at 4 weeks in, I didn't know which way was up.

I don't think you sound uncaring at all but I think when you look back on this time in a few years you will realise how very tenuous your dd's bond with you is at this time. Right now you are the straw she's clutching onto to stop from drowning. If you add to that at 18 months she has no concept of what a trip or holiday is, and her recent experience of going to a new place and meeting lots of new people is that she lost her carers, you can see why this trip might be a very bad idea.

MrsColly, I'm sorry you must be feeling a bit ganged up on and told off on this thread. Which I don't want to add to - NOBODY thinks you're uncaring. But I have to say I'm with the majority opinion. And I've been there and done that. When I adopted dd2 it was two weeks after dd1 started school, and I just whisked her into a whirl of social activity, meeting other families etc. I also think I went back to work far too soon, and basically I just expected her to fit in with us. At the time she was very young and pre-verbal, and everybody (especially social workers!) said how well bonded she was. But looking back, I feel a bit sick with guilt. Every photo of her from that time shows a worried little face, and she clung onto me as if she was drowning. I think I just felt so overwhelmed, I actually couldn't see what she needed and at many times I didn't put her first.

I completely understand that you have to keep things going for your BS - I have an older birth child too. He absolutely should do his rugby tour - with his dad. It's not great, but it's not terrible. Now that you have two children of different ages, you will find yourselves having to do more stuff with just one parent anyway.

Incidentally, I've had some firm talking to from Kr1stina and others here over the years (I'm Devora with a name change, by the way), and I wish I had listened more, earlier! Good luck to you.

Hi Mrs Colly, glad to hear things are easing for you all. I'm with the others I'm afraid, have every sympathy as I was clueless re how much more consideration you have to give things like nights away that I previously took for granted, but it does get easier over time ( as do nights away!). very hard for your boy, but I'd be really careful about upsetting the applecart so early on.

Please take the warnings seriously. Our son is well attached now (2 years in) and older when he came (3) but still very emotional now and not nearly as 'easy' as we thought he would be in the first few weeks!

If you do take her, please take lots of things to help her feel at home (her bedding, bowls, toys etc). And please do not visit wider family (a reason not to go as it is hard to explain to people why this is not a good idea).

If you DH and DS go can you Skype daily so DS can tell you what happens and Dd can hear their voices - not sure what others think of this idea? Not sure how much very young children can understand pictures on a screen as real people but you telling her dad and brother will be back in 4 days, 3 days etc might make some sense but only once they actually arrive back. She won't be able to make much sense of it but I do feel when we tell kids good stuff, and then it happens as we say it will, it all helps to build a bond.

Ds met my sister at our home (she is my closest relative) and this was about 6 weeks in. Sis was very good and didn't crowd ds. He seemed to take this well.

We visited sis's family almost three months in for 2 nights. We had shown photos and videos of who was who.

Everyone was very clued up not to expect hugs and kisses and to give ds space. For us it worked ok. Ds was happy.

We took his own special ready bed, plates and cups etc. It was summer and sis loves by the sea. It worked ok but looking back it does seem early.

Knowing what I know now I don't know if it was the right decision.

Anyway. Whatever you decide, please believe there is lots of good advice here and I think many of us have felt we knew the right answer and many have had our eyes opened by experienced adopters here.

I would take advice from experienced clued up adopters over social workers any day!

(Ps just so you know we have a birth dd, I don't think your son should forgo the trip, for the record I'd let him and dad go for some dad/lad time. There is almost six years between my dd and ds, they do a lot together but we do try and give them separate time too!)

All the best.

Hi all.
Just wanted to update you on what happened. After all the advice I went into a flat spin trying to decide what to do.the majority suggested we stay home but I couldn't shake the thought that DS and DH disappearing for 3 days would be worse.
We decided with extreme trepidation to go. We took all the familiar stuff and downscaled the family meeting.
We had an amazing time, DD loved it. She enjoyed time with us all, the beach, watching DS play rugby etc. It gabe DS and her loads of time together which has really boosted their bond. There was no upset or obvious trauma. We "bumped" into my parents at a rugby game after they had been prepped to keep it casual and low key. They were over the moon just to see her and DS.
When we came home she was just bloody delighted to be back and has settled right back into routine and we have funnelled our faces off reinforcing our little family.
It was a risky thing to do but everyone (DS included) is happy. The advice you allgabe really helped, even though it wasn't what we wanted to hear. We made the decision with our eyes wide open.

So glad it worked out well.

So glad you went and you all had a great time! X

Glad it worked out.

Brilliant, so pleased you all had a lovely time

Pleased it worked out!

I'm glad a slightly scaled back trip worked for you. Hope everything is going well.

I'm in the go camp. For me being together as a family is the most important thing not the fact that the 4 walls surrounding you may be differed for a few days I went away to stay with family 4 weeks after my DS moved in and it was absolutely fine. Go and be happy!