Ver negative and easily upset son!

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all, advice needed, please.

We have some ongoing issues with DS, he is the world's worst moaner!

He is so miserable at times and it is very frustrating. I really think it is going to make life harder for him, and i wish I could help him find his inner optimist! Is that possible?

Italian your capacity to re-visit and re-think is a huge strength and shows massive courage (I hope that doesn't sound patronising because it's not what I mean).

All of our children learned patterns and strategies of behaviour for survival, and survival usually means holding the attention of the caregiver in whatever means works. Sometimes that will be by being overly-compliant and being excellent at reading other adults' emotional states, so appearing to be "easy". Sometimes that will be by behaviour that includes screaming, self-harming, aggression or other methods that have worked in the past to keep them alive. It's not the work of a few months to re-programme these, and it's not a blaming exercise for adoptive families that at times it can be very, very hard. It's so important to keep listening for the deep fears and needs underneath the behaviour though, and to keep gently giving them demonstrations that they already have your attention, acceptance and love.

mydutifullaunderette re Italian your capacity to re-visit and re-think is a huge strength and shows massive courage (I hope that doesn't sound patronising because it's not what I mean). Thank you so much, you have brought tears to my eyes. It does not sound at all patronising, it sounds lovely. Many thanks.

I think I was overly convinced by ds because he seemed so mature. I am paying a lot more attention to him and what might be the issue and no meltdowns for a few days now! Tantrums, small and we handled them as best we felt and he cooled and calmed down quicker. Lovely bath time and cuddle tickle time tonight.

I do adore him and want to do what is right. It is very hard and, as you rightly point out, not the work of a short time!

Bless you.

Just wanted to thank the person who pmed me for their very gracious message and say that I can't message back for some reason - have tried a couple of times today. Didn't want you to think I was ignoring you :)

And yes it was you and no I still can't reply!

I can't reply either! But thankyou for the pm, much appreciated.

family and kitchen

last few days have been better. Still a few tears and upsets but not over heating and quicker to calm down. I;ve been calmer, I can see the end of the tantrum when it starts rather than feeling I am 'drowning' in it. Not sure if this is helping ds but I do feel it is.

Wow things have been a lot better lately.

We had a really peaceful Christmas.

He has been so much calmer. And so have I.

I think the heat thing was very relevant so now when he gets hot and flustered I put the fan on. I just offered to fan him with the TV guide when he got a bit fractious about his turn on the wii not going quite as he would have hoped! And he seemed to appreciate that and get a lot calmer quicker.

Because his face gets so red I do wonder if it is partly a physical thing as well as emotional.

Maybe I need to look into this. He is now getting calmer and cooler quite quickly.

I've got the 'Why can't my child behave' book for Christmas. I am a very slow reader but will start dipping into it.

Thanks for all the advice.