The most painful goodbye.

[lookingforsunshine]

We have been fostering a baby through a foster to adopt scheme. We have had him for 7 months. We were advised that it was guaranteed we would get him (after some initial tricky times). Few weeks ago, we were told, totally out of blue that judge had decided baby should go back to birth family. We are absolutely distraught. We lose our beautiful boy later this week. We are absolutely broken. Such a horrible shock. Judge went against professional and guardians advice. We love our little one with all our hearts. Cant believe we will lose him.

Machin , I think you are entirely correct about foster to adopt schemes. But I'm not sure this is the best place to discuss the ins and outs of them - maybe you could start another thread? Because I think you make very valid points

However this is more a support thread for a grieving mother.

You are correct of course, SandT

I hope someone does start a thread. I am concerned about the lack of understanding here. I'm not sure if it should be me.

Wishing you peace and healing OP

Hi,

Firstly, I am extremely aware of how foster to adopt works-I am sorry if my OP suggests otherwise. I do not want to go into the particulars of my case however some time ago professionals formed the opinion that baby was 'guaranteed' to end up with us because there was no-one else he could possibly end up with. So originally there was some uncertainty but within a matter of months it disappeared. Circumstances were such that a large number of professionals were quite certain we would get him. Clearly, they were wrong. There was no misunderstanding on my part. I do not wish to use this board to discuss this, I am just struggling with the hardest days of my life and came for support. I've had so much support on here, so thank you. I am not foolish. The judge made a decision which was in direct opposition to professionals and guardians views.
Also, concurrency and foster to adopt are not the same thing (which seemed to be suggested further up thread, unless I've misread).

We are getting through today ok. One day at a time.

Yes, foster to adopt is supposed to lead to some children returning home. Of course that is not a failure-however in our scenario everyone is quite sure that this should not be happening. It has been suggested to us that baby will be at risk in new home. If that is correct, yes, that is a failure.

Anyway, I don't have energy to discuss this just now.

How horrific for you OP. Sometimes I am just amazed at how things turn out. I hope you find some sort of peace.

So so sad for you. I hope you can get through it. Biggest hugs

All the best looking. One day, one minute, at a time.

So sorry for your loss op & hope he does have a good life elsewhere if that's the best we can hope for now. As pp has said, one day at a time for now. Be kind to yourself

God how utterly awful for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm so so sorry

Thinking of you x

This happened to my parents in 1974. It was heartbreaking for them. The courts awarded family visits and he became confused as to where/who he lived with. He was 18 months old at the time. There was child abuse and his father committed suicide in prison. Therefore the mother was granted partial custody, my dad said choose one or the other. He can't live like this. The courts gave him to his mother.

The only thing I can add is when James was 16 he came and found his foster parents. He thanked them for his good start in life and still maintains a good relationship with my elderly father.

They do remember, don't give up hope. You have done a good thing, your heart may be breaking right now but one day you may find that child remembers what you did for them.

My heart goes out to you xx

I am so so very sorry this has happened to your family. I think fostering to adopt is fraught with problems. I did some work with other sw when the government were considering it and no one present was particularly in favour as the chances of people getting hurt were so high. All I can say is allow yourself time to grieve, seek counselling (unconnected with your LA) and as others have said know that you have given yourself totally to this little one with will be such a fantastic foundation for their lives. You have done something truly wonderful and we are all here for you to help you through this. Through your pain be proud of yourselves xxx

Thinking of you today, Sunshine

I'm so sorry for your loss

You did a courageous and loving thing. Sending love and strength x

Much love sunshine xx

Thank you so much for all the lovely messages of support.
Our house is empty.
Our gorgeous boy is gone forever.
We miss him so much.
We are so confused, lost, empty, numb, sad.
Our house still looks like the house that a baby lives at.
We have his high chair, cot, lots of his toys.
The birth family did not want much.
Our hearts are damaged.
So, so sad.
How do we pull through these awful days?
I feel like he could walk back in later today.
Our future has been stolen.

Our first child, gone.
So hard to understand how this happened.
Everything takes so much effort now.
I cannot function properly at the moment.
Such a short time ago, I was a fully functioning person.
Now, I struggle to do the most basic stuff.
We have some incredible real life support.
I do not know how we would manage at all otherwise.
Thank you all.

Sending more love and thoughts. I have been thinking of you and am glad to hear you have good support xxxx

Heartbreaking!
I've felt your pain as a foster carer, but I cannot imagine your pain as a parent!
It will get easier, not now, but some time! I promise!
Look after yourselves

So unfair. You must be broken. Take care of yourselves and take some small comfort in that establishing an attachment at this early stage will help your boy's emotional well being through his childhood in some way. Thinking of you

Hi Everyone,
Thank you for all the incredible messages of support we received last month. Cannot believe our little one has been gone over a month.

Feeling very alone. Family all left a while ago. Still get odd phone calls and occasional family visits but not much. Think everyone is exhausted. They were supporting us non stop for a long time!

Some days are better than others but basically every day is awful.
We still hope so much that there has been a mistake. That little one will be coming back. He won't though. I'm so jealous of other mums.

Someone on another post, posted today something about wishing she had never had children. It just came up on my active feed. I'm sure that's a really normal thing to feel for normal people, who get to keep their children longer than a matter of months. I get how draining and tough parenting can be sometimes and that I am clearly super sensitive right now but her message really upset me. I know this is about me, not her. People need a place like MN to say how they feel. She's not wrong for posting.

In RL, I think people just want us to 'hurry up and be ok', it isn't convenient to them us being a mess. I know some people really do care but they are impatient for us to move on.

On the other hand, a few people have been so amazing. I do not know how we would have survived without a select few.

I'm also really grateful for a few MNs who sent me such lovely PMs-particularly the lovely lady who has been through something similar to us. Thanks for answering my many questions. I am so grateful. Never has MN been so useful to me.

I'm fed up of having to be brave. I want life to be easier. I want to be enjoying life with my soon to be adopted son, not mourning his loss.

It will be at least a few years, I'd guess before there's any chance of us having a child now, if ever.

We go on trips out, see friends. Sometimes I manage to lose myself a little and come close to enjoying myself. Lot of the time, I'm just imaging our little one there. What would we do with him. Except he isn't our little one now.

Sad Times. :-(.

Thanks for coming back to us with your update , it's very good of you

I'm glad to hear that you are keeping on keeping on

You might find the bereaved mums threads on Mumsnet helpful , even just to lurk .your loss is just as real as theirs , just different .

Lookingforsunshine there aren't the words to even begin to try and ease your pain.
I hope ss are supporting you as best they can at the moment. Are you receiving any counselling at all, obviously it can't bring your little boy back but they may be able to help you find a way of coping and managing your grief.

For those who have said they hope social services provide the same support to you that they do to birth parents as a birth parent you get zero. 6 sessions of counselling and told to get on with it. And that you aren't their mum anymore so you can't sign your letters as such (before adoption order too).

Social services have failed .They should never have guaranteed anything .Relatives can turn up to look after the Child from the birth family. They are second guessing what reports will say until they are done and they don't KNOW what will happen at court they can only give you the most likely outcome .

I am very sorry this has happened .Hopefully you can build a relationship with birth family and still have a part in the childs life (though when I asked early on about this I was told it wouldn't be permitted cos its something that would need to be forgotten about)

I know how much you are hurting. But unfortunately in all adoption and fostering cases someone will always end up getting hurt I just hope the right decision was made at court

Hugs