The most painful goodbye.

[lookingforsunshine]

We have been fostering a baby through a foster to adopt scheme. We have had him for 7 months. We were advised that it was guaranteed we would get him (after some initial tricky times). Few weeks ago, we were told, totally out of blue that judge had decided baby should go back to birth family. We are absolutely distraught. We lose our beautiful boy later this week. We are absolutely broken. Such a horrible shock. Judge went against professional and guardians advice. We love our little one with all our hearts. Cant believe we will lose him.

So, so sorry. As others have said, I hope you can take some small comfort that the love and care you've given him will serve him well his whole life.

Sorry to hear that but always remember you have given him a start full of love

Again-thank you all. Yes, I think we are trying to prepare to grieve for our baby boy. (We lose him later this week). It is like grief I think, except there is no closure. There is the expectation from ss that this will go wrong so we worry a lot about the next part of his life. We will of course never know what happens next unless things go very badly wrong and everyone knows, then he might end up coming back to us. It's highly unlikely though, I think. Think we are best to presume he is gone forever.
We are traumatised. This system has been so cruel to us.

Thinking about you today. Knowing every minute you have with your baby must be filled with such love and loss. So much more than the heart really should have to bear.

I'm so sorry

Yes, SilverFairy-love and loss sums it up. He is hardly with us at all now. He spends his days with his birth family.

We have about 7 waking hours with him left.

It would be good to hear from anyone who has been through a similar experience.
We feel so alone, so desperate, so sad, so much total love for our little one, so scared and unable to comprehend the enormity of what is going on.

Op, I have tears in my eyes.

Life is very cruel sometimes. Allow yourself to grieve.

X

I am very very sorry this has happened to you both and I wish there was something I could say to make it better.

I'm so sorry to read this. From personal experience I know how this hurts. I am not in the UK so our system is different. We have said goodbye to two children we were told were forever. They both arrived tiny, 11 days old & 8 weeks old. When they were moved they were nearly 12 & 8 YEARS old. There is a bit of my heart that will always be broken. Hope you have real life support around, it's a sad time to cope with.

Mrssprout-I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. 12 and 8 years?!!! I can't imagine the pain. Do you have any advice for us at all/ any reading you recommend? How did you survive those early months? We have no other children.

Please PM if you would rather. Thanks so much for sharing.

Thanks everyone.

Our goals this week are to stay alive and try tor remember to eat (and
obviously look after our boy when he is here).

It's so difficult.

I'm so so sorry
Would you be allowed to make him a book of memories to send onto to his birth family, along with photos of you and your names. That way he could look you up one day, possibly.
I'm sorry. It's probably not allowed...but I feel desperate for you to have at least a small link.
Sending you strength x

Yes, that might be a good idea. Thanks Just2. I feel so, so awful.

I keep waiting for a call to say there has been an awful mistake. It isn't going to happen though. :-(.

Hope you're as ok as you can be op. Thinking of you.

Just wanted to add my thoughts and sympathy.

Be gentle on yourselves and do whatever gets you through xxx

Thank you so much for all the kind messages including lovely PMs. I really appreciate it.

I just cannot believe this is happening. Our precious boy, he means SO much to us. Soon he won't be here, we won't know if he is ok and he will (most likely) never be in our life again. Feel like we are wading through thick oil. Nobody (bar the judge) thinks this is a good idea.

This is so sad to read. Unfortunately I think we will see many more children be placed under foster to adopt only for the court to send then back to unsuitable or unsafe birth family. devastating for the would be adopters, traumatising for the child, awful. I hope your agency are supporting you closely xxx

Thanks Marmite. Yes, our agency are doing everything in their power to support us. They have been great but they too are trying to make sense of what has happened and are so sad for us all.

Sadly, I think you are probably right-that numbers of foster to adopt children returning to unsuitable homes will increase.

I do not think I will ever trust a professional ever again.

We were advised that it was guaranteed we would get him

In a 'foster to adopt' (i.e. concurrent planning) situation!?

Who told you that!? That is dreadful.

I am so sorry for your pain.

You must consider a high-level complaint in a few days or weeks, though. It sounds as though the scheme hasn't been explained to you properly, which is almost unbelievable.

Machin, I'm not sure what a high level complaint would achieve..... It won't bring the child back, and if anything would probably infuriate the agency who would then not be keen to place with the family again.

It's quite hard NOT to explain fostering to adopt - the carers are simply foster carers who have no legal right to the child. They are carers, not parents. I do think though that often fostering to adopt is framed as the way to get a young child and prospective adopters are more comfortable going with the general view that "baby will probably stay" rather than contemplating the prospect of baby going elsewhere.

Most adopters come to adoption from infertility, and it is incredibly risky in my view for a couple who have yearned for and waited so long for a baby to risk a fostering to adopt scenario. The courts are making some wacky decisions at the moment, often against local authority and 'expert' reports, so there is no such thing as a 'safe' foster to adopt placement.

Looking, my heart really goes out to you and I am glad your agency are supporting. I would recommend accessing some counselling to deal with this awful loss before deciding whether to pick up and carry on. Please don't launch into another placement straight away when you are feeling so vulnerable. Sending hugs xx

I am thinking about you today. Xx

How are you doing today, looking

I do think though that often fostering to adopt is framed as the way to get a young child and prospective adopters are more comfortable going with the general view that "baby will probably stay" rather than contemplating the prospect of baby going elsewhere.

Quite.

But if the word 'guarantee' is being bandied around someone is being dishonest.

And if OP is saying she believed in 'guarantees' before judgement, then she was either wilfully foolish or horrendously misled.

CP is supposed to lead to situations where babies return home. That's not a failure. Yet half this board is crying foul and talking about writing to Martin Narey.

I feel huge compassion for the OP (only very strong special carers can cope with CP) , but I'm worried that the opportunity is being used to misrepresent an important scheme that is close to my heart.

so there is no such thing as a 'safe' foster to adopt placement.

Sorry, I missed that marmite - you are using 'safe' to mean emotionally safe for the adopters, of course, which isn't the main priority of the scheme. It's a very bruising route for potential adopters. It prioritizes the needs of babies.

Thinking about you today, lookingforsunshine.