Thinking of adopting....any advice?

[McDreamy]

My husband and I would like a third child we have always been interested in adoption and feel we have something to offer. Has anyone adopted? What is the process like? I would be interested in adopting a child with special needs. I would appreciate any advice or experiences. We haven't done anything regarding the application, you could say that this is the first thing apart from looking up some info on the web.

Hi we went to an introductory adoption day on saturdasy and it was brilliant so informative.Log on to your local authority website and look under adoption as they may have one coming up.We had a million questions and they were all really well answered Now we have to decide if we want to proceed.We have 1 ds aged 12 and I had health problems so decided against a second.I also thought i couldn't adopt but that is not the case.

Thanks Noddy I will have a look at our local web site

Hi McD did you haev a look?We recieved the initial info pack today adn I have been logging on yo adoptionuk there are some useful therads on their message boards

If you are intereested in adopting a child with special needs you shoudl contact some of the voluntary adoption agencies who specialise in this field eg Barnardos. Most local authorities do not have the necessary expertise to support adoptive parents of SN children

Ah thanks Kristina I will do that. I have had a look aroundat various web sites Noddy. We are in the forces so it's not quite as straight forward as going to a local agency but I have found out that there is a web site for families in the military so fingers crossed! Will keep you posted, maybe you could let me know your progress too Noddy.

If you join Adoption Uk you will be able to contact other forces families who have adopted

A friend of mine has just gone through the process, it has taken about 9 months to get to "panel". They have now been accepted as adoptive parents so the "matching process" now begins, this could be from as short as weeks to ......... who knows. Tough going through it all and the interview was testing but well, well worth it.

Good luck.
X

I know someone who adopted two children with special needs through NCH - I think she found them very good.

We are going to have an initial meeting next week and then I thing we can decide whether to move to the next stage.However ds(12)has suddenly gone from I can't wait and really want a sister to being worried that we will get a 'nutter'(his words)who will ruin our lives!He is very involved in all the discussion and his desire for a sibling was one of our deciding factors to proceed so am a bit confused atm

does you Ds have any experince of kids with SN? What do you think the "nutter" comment is about - learning difficulties or what other people will think if teh child looks different??

What kind of SN do you think you coudl cope with? Do you definitely want a girl?

He is right in that adopting will totallty change all your lives!!

I don't want a child with special needs although I understand the children do come with issues that we will need to deal with,He thinks our calm lovely home will be thrown into turmoil He was fine until he realised what sort of start some of these children have had.

So sorry NoddyHolder, i got you mixed up with McDreamy

I'm afraid your son is absoltely right - your lovely calm home will be thrown into turmoil. As you are discovering , any child you adopt will coem from a background of turmoil and so will bring it with them. They cant help it really, its all they know!

I assume you are looking to adopt an older child, aged 5+?? Unless your agency have agreed to consider you for a 2-5 year old?

Your son will be around 14 when any child is placed and that's a difficult age. I guess you knwo alreday that your DS will be invloved in the preparation process and if he has serious reservations, you wont be approved to adopt
However, being worried about the problems a child will bring seems realistic to me!

Thanks!We are aware of the problems that will come but we are wondering if it is all doom and gloom There must be some success stories.Ds thinks a small crazy and violent(?)person will enter our lives and destroy it I don't know why he thinks this.On the other hand he says he wants a sister We are thinking of age 5-7 approx although I understand age isn't set in stone at this stage.

TBH I think your son is being realistic! Any child placed with you after 5-7 years of chaos/abuse/neglect and moves in and out of foster care will probably act pretty crazy and may possibly be violent.

Of course its not all doom and gloom, a minority of placements of children this age do succeed in the long term. But they can be pretty stressful in the short term and they WILL turn your lives upside down.

What you need to ask yourselves is why was a 6yo not placed for adoption earlier? Either SS have been trying to place them for years but cant because they are so difficult. Or there have been years of attemps at "rehabilitation" with the birth family which have failed and they child has been moved in and out of care, perhaps twenty times.This would make anyone crazy

I am starting to find this all really stressful I have researched it and tried to get as much info as possible but still feel like we don't have the full picture.We would also consider a toddler but feel we wouldn't be a priority because of our ages,we are 41 and 45 I have a lot to think about

I'm sorry, I knwo I am throwing up things you havent thought of and making it worse . You will only get a limited picture from SS - they are in the business of recruiting " resources" - families to take the children they have in care. Your family's needs and welfare are not their concern.

I suggest you join adoption Uk and meet soem other adopters of older children. Its quite hard and expensive to get good up to date adoption books - the ones in libraries are always very out of date. Online is good too.

In SS terms, babies are up to two years old. Many agencies'baby lists are closed. i suspect they woulndt give you a 3-5yo either, because of your ages as you say and the age of your DS. But its up to each agency. Of course, the age thing is pretty stupid anyway as i am older than you and have a baby and a toddler!!!!( bio)

Would agree that AdoptUK is a very useful org for anyone considering adoption.Their journals have really interesting articles and we found people in our local group who had had a range of experience of adoption and speaking to them gave us a good idea of what we might be letting ourselves in for. In our area the meetings were monthly and held in peoples homes. I know of various people who have adopted children all of whom are under 10 when placed (both domestically and intercountry) and their experiences are varied but I think all would agree that adoptive parenting presents it's own challenges and you need to be prepared for at least some challenging behaviour and maybe limited support from authorities through these times. Speaking for myself I have absolutely no regrets about our decision to adopt but I do know people who have regretted their decision so it's important to get as much info as you can at this early stage.

Noddy and McD, I would agree that it's worth joining AdoptionUK and also their online forums - very full and frank! Nearly put me off, but there again reading some of the postings on MN might put you off having birth children! Ask your questions there and you will get some great feedback. I don't think my Local Authority uttered the words Attachment Disorder but by the time our kids were placed we were well read up on what might happen.

Good luck, it's a generous and sacrificial thing for you to be thinking about

Just joined mumsnet so only just seen this thread We have 3 adopted children a girl 13 with Down's syndrome, a boy 8 with Down's Syndrome and a boy 12 with Aspergers Syndrome and various other things. We also have two birth daughters 28 and 26..I have also been involved in introductory session and training sessions with an adoption charity...if you would like to ask me anything please feel free either onthe site or by email.

hi hortense , welcome to mumsnet! Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas

I know its different but can I just add, my dd is adopted she came to us at 10 months, fit and healthy. Even at 10 months she caused chaos and completely changed our lives. Even though her back ground is very stable she still struggles with change and is very possessive of me.

But she is 4 now and so precious, she is all that I have ever wanted and I can truly say all the heartache and chaos has been worth it.

The process is hard. We approached it as consumers, if that makes any sense! we approached various agencies until we found one which matched our approach to life. Once approved we made flyers and marketed ourselves to other agencies. Be proactive is my advice. As already stated do your research and be clear about what you want.

My soon to be ex DH and I decided to adopt rather than have birth children and we adopted a little boy a number of years ago. It was the best and worst of experiences. I would never be without my angel for anything but the price was high. We were supposed to adopt two brothers but it turned out that the older one had major emotional problems as well as a past riddled with abuse but we were told that was not the case when we first approached social services. He had a mental breakdown and is now in a secure hospital where he will remain for his whole childhood. My DH could not cope with this, had multiple affairs and left our marriage leaving me as a single parent shortly after the adoption was legalised. We were made to jump through hoops backwards, move house, were lied to constantly and suffered 22 months of absolute hell at the hands of an agency supposedly there to help. We are still trying to divorce despite having been separated for almost four years and it is very nasty. On the other hand my ds is amazing, he knows he is adopted - as a twist of fate his foster carer is now his grandmother - he is my son through and through and I love him immensely. We are extremely close and only he can drive me mad and make me smile in the same second I would advise any one going into adoption to make sure they read everything carefully, ask loads of questions, document everything, take no nonsense and ensure that you are your partner are 100% sure and committed before you start because this can pull you apart horribly if one of you is not sure. Some people have wonderful experiences with social workers who can't do enough for them but as with everything you get some who just don't care. Sorry this is so long but it is a subject I feel very strongly about.

Hi Purpleparrot. Its not just me then? our adoption spelt the end of our marriage and I too am left a single parent (not that I regret haing my dd for 1 second). We too had a 'failed' adoption before we got our girl and we too suffered at the hands of social services! and no that isn't too stronger word.

I agree its not an easy process at all- but my dd is totally worth it all.

No Barmybird, It isn't just you. I know of loads of couples who have said that the adoption process was a nightmare. You get some wonderful social workers but then you get the ones who just think of it as a job and who don't care about the children or the families and think that you should be sooooo grateful for the enormous favour they are doing for you. By the time we had finished our adoption process we had a 32 page letter of complaint detailing all the times we were lied to, let down and had to cope with huge problems without assistance. For example, we were asked to travel to an 'important' training session/meeting and had to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. I was off work really ill the day we were supposed to leave but refused to miss the meeting so spent 150 miles trying not throw up or worse. We arrived safely and the next morning went to meet her in the lobby as directed. We waited and waited and waited. An hour and a half after our appointment time the social worker showed up wihtout apology, said she didn't have a room for our meeting in the social services building and that we had to have it in the hotel lobby in front of everyone instead. And then half an hour later she had us out on a sight seeing trip!!! We took time out of our jobs, had a 300 mile round trip from Scotland to England all for sight seeing! And that is one of the mild examples! As I said, I love my son and would die or kill for him but I would never adopt again. I am lucky I suppose in that I can have birth children - if I ever get the man bit right!! - so I feel very sorry for those who have to adopt and only hope they are lucky with their social worker.

That sounds terrible. We had 2 children removed 2 days before they were due to move in! after we (at the social workers request) had spent ages telling them that we were their forever mummy and daddy! the process was abruptly stopped and we weren't allowed to see them again.