Thinking of adopting....any advice?

[McDreamy]

My husband and I would like a third child we have always been interested in adoption and feel we have something to offer. Has anyone adopted? What is the process like? I would be interested in adopting a child with special needs. I would appreciate any advice or experiences. We haven't done anything regarding the application, you could say that this is the first thing apart from looking up some info on the web.

we have adopted but tentatively approached the local authorities to understand the process etc. we told that it was unlikely we would be accepted. We have 3 children with less that a three year age gap ( no multiples) and ideally we hoped for a child of around 3- 5 to fit into our existing family becoming the youngest or second youngest. we were told that it was becasue they like there to be a sizeable gap between the age of any adopted child - ie the adopted child would be the youngest by say 5 years so he/ she could have more attention.

we were also told about an age difference thing something like maximum of 35 years difference - therefore at 40 we could have a 5 year old. cant remember the exact difference but I dot think it was 35 years. so to have a newborn you could be no older that 35! seemed mad to me. but we wouldnt want to deprive anyone of a newborn because we have be blessed 3 times already.

We are waiting to meet a two year old girl with whom we've been matched, after an assessment process which lasted two years, due to the slowness of social workers. At least the long prep. time would give you opportunity to work out what you can and can't cope with. We have two birth sons of 10 and 7 and always wanted to adopt at some stage.
There really are all sorts of children needing adoption so it's worth starting on the process even if you're not yet sure. Our experience of a two year assessment is not at all unusual.

barmybird, how AWFUL for those poor children. No wonder so many of them don't come through the care process unscathed. There is just no way the children should have been removed at that late stage poor you, too, what a shock...

We too are thinking of adopting. We have a dd age 7, but don't want her to be an only child. (Despite Clomid have been unable to conceive again and am 40 now)

Steinermum, whereabouts are you? (England/Wales or Scotland? I'm shocked at the 2yr assessment period. I was told it would be approx 9 months - 1 year.)

BarmyBird....blimey how did you get over that, never mind how did the children. Did you ever get an explanation?

God. My brother and his wife have been through the mill adopting their two little ones but I don't think they've been through anything this bad (they did have to move house, mind you, and deal with the health problems of two children who may have Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, although they seem okay to me!) - sympathies to all. And we think childbirth is hard - a walk in the bloody park in comparison.

Alaskadingo: We're in London. You might also want to check out independent agencies in your area as they can be more efficient than the local authorities.

Steinermum, thanks.

Is it possible to be assessed by more than one agency/authority at the same time though?

We live in a very rural area and the nearest social services offices are 50 odd miles away as it is. I think any other agencies would be closer to 100 - 200+ miles away, which would make it a bit prohibitive.

Have you any experience of the Adoption Uk website? I'm thinking of registering with them to give me some more insight. There seems to be a £40 charge to subscribe - any idea what the benefits of subscribing over registering are?

Sorry to be firing questions at you.

Sorry for the ambush

Hi Alaskadingo
No, you can't be assessed by more than one agency at once and, to be honest, you really wouldn't want to be as it's quite an intrusive process.

Adoption UK comes into its own as a resource once you're approved, because they publish a very good mag. called 'Children who wait' which is useful when you're looking for a child/children. I am a member, but I haven't used their site yet - I'm sure I will though when we get our child! Maybe someone else can advise you about whether it's worth subscribing at this stage.

alaska - i think the confusion over timescales is because parents and Ss use different starting and finishing points IYSWIM. parents think they are starting teh process when they first make contact with an agency. Ss count it as "starting" when you have been allocated a Sw and started the assessment. It coudl be at least 6 montsh between these two times.

Its common to be sent an information pack first, then have to wait for an information meeting, then have to attend several group meetings, all before they will even accept your application.It could then be a month before they allocate you a worker, then another month befroe they contact you to arrange a visit, then another month before they come. They frequently cancel meetings at the last minute( due to an emegency) and it takes a another month to get another date. and so on......

once they start it shoudl only take them about 6 montsh to write the report.then they wait for the checks to come back. then you just have to wait for a second opinion, then wait for a slot at panel. then wait for the agency decision maker to approve the decision etc etc

so thats where the 6-9 months coems from. they only count the time the are doing the home study. its like the government counting teh unemployment figures

Very well explained, KristinaM - our experience precisely!

govt guidelines are now that you should be at panel within 6 months of application. So I gather that council are not "letting" you apply until a social worker is available. Hey Presto, waiting times have mysteriously shortened with no extra resource and the govt can point to another success story. Madness.

our dd is now 4, and has been with us since 11-months-old. we had been through a protracted adoption process, jumping through hoops as many of you have, and would not change her for the world. We had also been approved as second-time adopters A YEAR AGO! and nothing concrete has happened since: new laws introduced, a match that didn't materialise after constant additional obstacles, talks that fizzle out during holiday periods. We are getting older, and our family needs are changing, and still there are children 'trapped' in Care, waiting for meetings to be scheduled. It's hard to know whether to persevere or to move on.

Is there anybody who would like to chat about first time adoption? I have recently come to the decision to adopt following three and a half years of failed attempts at getting pregnant.

I'm a foster carer who cares for newborns until they are matched for adoption. Always happy to help

Is there any particular age you'd like to adopt?

Hello MinxyB
Do some research about agencies in your area before you choose which one to go with. Ask them how long their assessment procedure takes as there is immense variability. It's also good to go to introductory meetings with a couple of different agencies, perhaps a local authority one and an independent one so you can suss out which would do a better job for you.
How far have you got?

Hi I am just at the very initial stages of the adoption process. I am having a home meeting with a representative of a local authority agency tomorrow. I am feeling lots of mixed emotions at present.

Exciting! Hope it goes well for you.

MinxyB - I also adopted after failed fertility treatment. The start of my adoption journey felt very positive and right somehow. It was a long slow journey and you have to be determined but if I had known before how fantastic my son was going to be I would have skipped the fertility treatment and gone straight for the adoption.

good luck with the meeting! let us knwo how it goes!

be sure to ask what age/type of child/ren they woudl consider approving you for and how many children like this they place each year

for example, its no good them approving you for a single child aged 2-4 years old if they only place one or two each year and they have 4 families waiting ahead of you. if the agency who approve you dont place a child with you after a certain period, you can approach other agencies to be considered for their waiting children. but of course you will be competeing with families from all over the country, especaily for such a popular age group

sorry if thsi is TMI for thsi stage. i expect you are just beginning to get your head around all thsi. dont worry, you will have plenty time....I'm afraid teh adoption process is ...very very ....slow

We also adopted after failed IVF. It was long and often frustrating due to social worker's inefficiency but once we were match there was no looking back. We have had our daughter (now 16 months) since Jan 07 and she is everything we could have wished for. If you want to adopt stay determined, chase social workers regularly and the joy of your child will make all the waiting and heartache worthwhile. Good luck. Will keep watching and if you want to know more about our experience just ask.

We also adopted after failed IVF-our experience of adoption has been very positive-The process from application to actually getting our children placed was about 2 and half years-we adopted siblings aged 6 months (DD) AND 3 yrs (ds) They are wonderful children,have been with us for 3 years and were definately worth the wait. I would also advise anyone to shop around for an agency -although we ended up using the one closest to us geographically and I guess we were very lucky.