How did you make that initial leap? How did you know it was time to give up ttc?

[Tollygunge]

Just that really.
After more heartache than I thought I'd be able to bear over the last 2 years, I'm seriously considering adoption. However, I understand I need to be 100% devoted to this and am interested in how others arrived at this decision. Thoughts pls?

I think it is so personal. We tried for 6 and a half years to have a second child. We spend thousands on treatment both IUI, IVF and IVF with donor eggs. At the end I realised I was so fed up of needles and the we had no money left for treatment. Stopping for me was one of the best things I have done.

In your shoes I would evaluate what is really important to you, is it having a biological baby and being pregnant and all that or being a parent full stop. Then think about whether you can handle some of the issues that having a child who joined your family by adoption might bring. You are obviously in a marriage or partnership so talk to your DH/DP about what they feel they want.

I would make a lot of lists and revisit all this over a period of several months while still trying to conceive. If after all this you feel you want to know more about adoption I would go to an information evening/morning/afternoon whatever with a local or county council or voluntary adoption agency. Perhaps more than one if that helps.

Personally, I would also say that for me it was important to know what my chances of conceiving were so we had tests and checks and were doing all this with a fertility clinic. We also had counselling as part of the clinic, both to see if we were OK about using donor eggs and also part way along when things were not working. MANY people will not want to do IUI or IVF or donor eggs and many will not spend six years trying. I am almost certainly not typical in this.

Whatever route you take to parenthood I think it is important for it to be:
Considered (carefully over a period of time, no need for snap decisions)
Consensual (if in a partnership you and your dh/dp need to agree)

And to be super cheasy it will be:
Costly (not necessarily in terms of money but in effort hard work, testing etc)
and

(I have run out of 'C's) WORTH IT

For me fertility treatment was worth it as it was part of my journey to becoming a mum to a little girl (by IUI) and later part of our journey to becoming a mum to a little boy via adoption.

Feel free to ask me anything here or by pm. (If you do not get a reply here then do pm me as I don't look on these boards as much as I used to).

All the best.

Thanks for such a sensitive considered response. I want a biological child and to be pregnant, but more than anything I want to be a mum to one more. For us ivf etc wouldn't be an option- I can get pregnant, I just can't keep it. No real reason, just 3 episodes of 'bad luck' but frightened of ttc again and having more of the same shit. Husband wonderfully supportive, and have tentatively discussed but not in as much detail as we'd Obvs need to. It's just making that decision, going on the pill and saying 'never again' that I need to think how to do. Any more advice?

As the very wise Italian has already said its a very personal decision. For me we'd tried for 7 years including 3 rounds of Ivf in a year. We had always said before we even starred Ivf that we would only have 3 attempts so we knew that was the end for us.
What really helped me was to write down everything about having a biological child would mean, all the little things like seeing a positive test, first scan, telling people etc etc etc right the way through to actually having that child, the first words, first smile, first day at school, first nativity etc. then I wrote down the same list for what adoption would give me. The lists weren't that different and it helped me to see the bigger part of those lists wasn't the pregnancy and biological bit it was the parenting bit. It also helped me to grieve for the bits we wouldn't have and to move forward.
The minute we decided to go for adoption I felt this enormous weight lifted from me and we started to feel optimistic about the future rather than living in the perpetual darkness of ttc.
For me I have absolutely no regrets, we have been incredibly lucky in being able to adopt a perfect beautiful 6 month baby boy (now 9 months) and he is more than we could ever have wanted. I know I could not love a biological child more than I do him and the only sadness is that we haven't shared every minute of his life.
Good luck with what you decide its a very tough decision.

Here's something I hadn't even thought of- we are a mixed race couple, me white, him half Chinese. Will this have any impact on us or our ability to adopt?

If you were assessed, they would be looking at who you are as people, how you relate to each other, how you deal with life experiences, what your support network is like. They are interested in your motives for adopting and your ability to love and care for a child and to put their needs first. Your ethnicity would not impact on your ability to adopt.

Anyone?

Sorry, it hadn't refreshed!

I had some very good advice which isn;t really applicable to you (or maybe not in the same way) - I was told to decide up front how many attempts at IVF I was going to have (I had other fertility treatment prior to IVF) and to stick to it no matter what. SO I did. I decided three attempts and stuck to that.

It was very hard giving up but I didn;t listen to my own please to try one more time.

Once I had started on the road to adoption proper I found two things -

1. I moved my mindset from if I would become a mother to when. It changed my mood quite dramatically and although I had some pretty horrendous ups and downs along the way overall I knew I was on the home stretch after a very long time.

2. The adoption process really helps kick start the healing process for me. It was very positive and was also great to be on a prep course with other people in exactly my position who absolutely understood.

It's possible your mixed ethnicity might help or at least shouldn't hinder the process. My DS is mixed race central asian and when I was applying a second time was told that the aren't many oriental/mixed race oriental children available. Racial matching whilst important isn;t given quite the weight it used to when I was going through the process 10+ years ago.

I think your mixed heritage marriage may be helpful. But jump all your own internal hurdles first. Best wishes.

We had always talked about adoption, so it was always there in the back of our minds. After two MC we decided we couldn't keep doing this indefinitely, and switched to pursuing adoption instead of another pg. But we already had a bio child, and I didn't have a compelling drive to be pg, so our experience is probably a little different to most.

Thanks all. lots to think about! I love my dd so much more than anything on earth so need to consider her in all this x

There are a few of us here who have adopted with a birth child, Tolly, so do feel free to ask questions

Hi, we have recently came to the decision to close the door on ivf using donor egg and proceed with adopting. It's very early days but I can't even describe how good it is to have closed that door. For me personally it was coming to terms with infertility and secondly accepting that I would never carry my own child, it was really difficult to get to that stage but once I did (and had a good old cry about it) it felt like I was getting back to being me, a dark cloud had lifted and began living again! Sounds dramatic but true ha. I think part of it being so difficult was having to be sure adoption was for me so I had to be sure ivf wasn't an option. A friend of mine described her pregnancies as being a very small part of being a parent compared to being a mum now her children are here and that really helped.
Good luck with finding your path

It wasn't a difficult decision for me and the OH really.
IVF was never really an option for us as a couple, just never felt right so we decided pretty quickly to adopt.

Apparently we are quite young for adoptive parents too which I think is mainly due to not spending years trying. We found out pretty quickly we couldn't have children naturally.

Thanks again. We are going to have a more serious talk this weekend, and I'm feeling positive. I'm just such a massively impatient person and I know that I can't rush this, so it's frustrating! I want another child now but I need this to be totally right for me and dh but most importantly my daughter. I would love to just have an informal chat with a social worker, but having worked alongside social services for many years I'm not sure such a thing exists! Is there any organisation that organises informal meet ups where I can meet people and chat without being judged? I'm in London if that helps!

That's a good idea to have an informal chat with someone in the know. My friends mum used to work in child protection and is now on the board with foster plus. We had a good chat with her when we first got the blow of being infertile. This helped us realise we were not in the right state of mind to pursue adoption at that time. It is helpful to chat to someone who can highlight potential problems to iron out and plus discuss strengths to build on. I hope you find someone.

I had a couple of informal chats with SW just by phoning their information line. And the information evenings (which you have to go to to start the formal process) are completely without obligation too, and a good way of getting info on the basics and a chance to ask a few questions.

I'm in London - I'll meet you - but not quite in your position so not sure how helpful it would be.

Many SS run informaiton evenings.

After 7 rounds of IVF, seeing wacky doctors, drinking disgusting Chinese herbs, doing acupuncture, seeing Zita West and other slightly alternative people, I just realised it was time to give up. Plus also getting a very hard hitting, honest and direct letter from a top sperm document. I had always said I would do 3 rounds of IVF and then in my desperate and mad state, I kept on convincing DH to try once more. But then after 7th attempt I just felt at peace. I had reached a stage where I liked my life - and although I didn't want it - I realised I could
cope with being childless. I spent about 6 months trying to see the positive side to being without children - going on holiday to far flung places, going to the cinema, theatre loads, enjoying my lie-ins. I had adoption at the back of my mind but I needed a break.

Then, we looked into adoption and I suddenly felt positive. That, after all, it might happen. And now I really do think I was never meant to have biological children - and was meant to adopt DS (who was considered some reason as being difficult to place and was on the list for the next adoption party). I love my son so much - and know I couldn't love a bio child more.

You can't rush the feelings though - I spent 3.5 years on fertility treatment and before that - 2 years TTC. I think it is important you have properly grieved for not having a biological child though.

I am in London too if you wanted an informal chat. Kew is very wise - and I do think you should do lots of chatting to people - SWs, other people in your situation and use this site.

That should say "top sperm doctor"...

For us it was an easy decision. We tried to get pregnant for a few years, finally had some tests and found out the we had MFI. We had a round of ICSI but no sperm was found in the TESA so that was it for us. We knew there was zero chance of us having a biological child, (sperm donation was not for us) so we started the adoption process.
We've been blessed with 2 children and I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing. The years before kids were awful. Words cannot fully describe the sadness and stress but it was more than worth it and now 10 years on we love the way our family came together. We have had some amazing experiences and made great friends on our journey and we always say we have much better and more good looking kids than we could have produced ourselves.

Hels and Kew- thanks so much for your offer. I'd love to take you up on it. I rang for an info eve today and they do have adoptive parents there for q and a, but I've a few questions I wouldn't feel comfortable asking in front of social workers- nowt dodgy like, but some which I would like honest answers to iyswim! Can I pm you both? X

For me it was the realisation that I just couldn't put myself through anymore heartache. I wanted to take control and adoption allowed me to do that.

After ten years of TTC ,four failed cycles of IVF and one miscarriage DH and I decided to have a one year break from it all.

During that year we tried to embrace being childless. We went on posh holidays , bought an expensive car and lived the sort of life we imagined "childless by choice" couples would live.

I remember the precise moment when we came to the decision to adopt. We were watching the sunset on an island in The Maldives. It was paradise but I told my husband that I'd swap it all to be a mum. He asked me if I wanted another try at IVF and I said absolutely not, I never ever want to put myself at risk of having another miscarriage. That left us with one option - adoption.

A year later we were approved at panel and a few months after that we brought our 10 month old DS home.

Now I dream about a holiday to the Maldives when I'm stuck in a tent in a rainy field in Devon with my two DCs!

Fine with me Tolly though HEls can be a bit argumentative though so you might want to give her a miss. You do realise that we will bring photos of our marvelous boys and bore you to death. Though of course no-one else has such marvelous children as us.