How did you make that initial leap? How did you know it was time to give up ttc?

[Tollygunge]

Just that really.
After more heartache than I thought I'd be able to bear over the last 2 years, I'm seriously considering adoption. However, I understand I need to be 100% devoted to this and am interested in how others arrived at this decision. Thoughts pls?

Ha ha ha Kew. I am sweetness and light!! We will bore you with pictures of our beautiful boys. Do PM us.

Hi Tolleygunge!

I was in your exact boat not so not ago, fine getting pregnant, but can't keep there. Had 3 mc over 2 years. Had all the tests and there is nothing wrong so they can't say what it is. I think the fact you are having the conversation about adoption shows you are willing to consider other options but it really is personal to you, i think you'll know deep down when you are ready to give up ttc.

For me, i was determined to try, using everything i could, acupuncture, temping, OPK's, dr would prescribe me progesterone on next one, all sorts, but just before we decided to stop TTC, i had this little mini meltdown, i was just so upset, about it all, i think the pressure of ttc had just taken it's toll and i had had enough. I knew then i had. We discussed and decided IVF/fert treatment wasn't for us and discussed adoption again (had discussed briefly some months ago) and after we agreed to go to an information evening, it was like this enormous weight had been lifted.

I've since been to an open evening and it sealed it for us, it's definitely the right path for us. I think deep down, i feel relieved to have closed the book on TTC and i almost feel that i think adoption was always the right thing for us, it's just taken us a while to find this route. I feel positive, for the first time in 2 years and for the first time, there is no rush for me - it's just taken the whole pressure away. Do go to an info evening, they are very informal and informative, you can ask as many questions as you need and there is no obligation to continue on with the adoption journey if it isn't for you.

Sorry it's long! Hope you can get the info you need. I am very new here but this forum is full of some really useful info and knowledgable posters x

I can't comment on how/when to decide to stop ttc as we chose adoption despite not having any fertility issues. We had considered it before having our BC and it then seemed a natural choice for us when we were ready to add a second child to our family.

The one thing I would say is, although I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it must be to have a miscarriage or struggle to conceive in the first place, the route to adopting is also really testing so you need to be sure that this is the better option for you. As well as the approval process (which actually was fine, just lengthy) you have to accept that 99% of children in the adoption system have additional needs/issues that you won't necessarily have experienced with a BC. You have to learn a lot about drug and alcohol abuse, attachment theory etc., you may have to embrace a whole new parenting style as much of what many parents do with their BC may not be appropriate for an ac. You may also have to resign yourself to a long wait for a child. We have been approved 8 months and are yet to be shown a profile by our agency. We had thought that adopting would be a really good thing for us to do as a family but now find ourselves one of upwards of 60 families enquiring after individual children on the various family finding websites...

I don't mean to paint a really bleak picture- adoption is still definitely the right choice for us and we are fully committed to the process and trust that in due course we will be identified as the right family for a particular child. I just wanted to raise your awareness of some of the issues involved. When you are in a hard place any other option can look more appealing! Make sure that you and your family do your research and really consider the issues before deciding either way. I know that there are loads of people on this site that can say (with much more authority than me) what an incredible experience it is to adopt so don't let me put you off, just do your homework :-)

Thanks for ur honest words research. I've booked us onto an open eve on weds (eeeek) so we can have some info to arm us in our thinking. I will then pm people who have been kind enough to offer to meet. Peace and love to you all!

I think meeting up with others would be a fab idea.

All through out the approval process I wished we had someone to talk to, someone who had been through the process.

If your 'problem' is multiple miscarriages then has the cause of this been investigated?

Have you been told that any further pregnancies are likely to be the same?

My problem isn't multiple miscarriages, sorry to be vague. I have a healthy daughter, concieved and delivered with no probs at all. She is 3. I then had another preg where I found out at 17 weeks the baby had a congenital abnormality incompatible with life. I terminated. I then fell pregnant again and had a massive subchorionic hematoma, this resulted in my waters breaking at 14 weeks and subsequent delivery. I then fell pregnant again and had a v v early miscarriage, five weeks. I have been assured that they are completely unconnected by several Nhs and private consultants, and that we've been 'unlucky'. I'm now at a point where I don't know if I can take any more 'unlucky' and feel as though perhaps another bio child isn't written on my page and want to explore other avenues.

to you, 'unlucky' probably doesn't even begin to describe your feelings.

However I just want to point out that there is potential for plenty of 'unlucky' in adoption as well.
Up until you have been approved etc. it is different to that immediate, intense thing that comes with pregnancy loss. It's more abstract and I found it easier to keep at bay, things didn't affect me that much.

But once a specific child is identified, it all changes. You need to start committing to this child, mentally, emotionally. (Chances are that if you keep some emotional distance, some patronising SW will say you are not committed enough and thus not approve the match). However there is initially NOTHING that links you to that child except some words that could very well turn out to be meaningless.
The child, who is 'your child' in your mind and heart, is in somebody else's care, you have no right to see them, even to pass something on to them, chances are you are not told very much about them. You will be hoping for information, clarification, a moving-in date - but these things may be delayed and delayed again. You may not get to meet 'your child' for months and months. It can be quite torturous - because this is 'your child' we're speaking of. In your mind. And then finally that elusive placement order comes through, or that matching panel is scheduled, and all of a sudden you are given new info that makes you seriously reconsider. Or the child's SW suddenly no longer approves of you. Or suddenly a distant relative of the child turns up and the child will not be adopted after all. Or for some ludicrous reason the agency wants you re-assessed at the last moment and the child goes to other adopters while you wait for your new panel dates.
Of course these things don't happen to every adopter - some have plain sailing. But they are in fact frighteningly common. It is this kind of 'unlucky' that you could come up against, and just like when your body is not working right and causing you to lose that pregnancy, there is nothing you can do about it, except try again.

So I would humbly say, that if you are concerned that you can't deal with much 'unlucky' anymore, then adoption probably needs to wait a bit. Give yourself time to grieve, to recover, and then think carefully about which kinds of 'unlucky' you now have the strength to deal with, should they happen.

Wishing you lots of 'luck' whichever way you choose to go!

Just a quick point - the adopted child needs to be the youngest in the family, so that they are not competing with the needs of younger children, and most LAs like there to be a 2 year age gap between the birth child and adopted child, so as your DD is only 3, you would only be able to consider a baby 0 - 12 months, and whilst that might be exactly right, the chances of adopting a baby are quite remote, though not beyond the realms of possibility. Most adopters want children under 4 years, and so obviously the need is for older children, sibling groups and children with disabilities.

You might be better waiting until your DD is older though even when she is 5 you'd be looking at 0-3 years, and again this could mean a long wait, as there will be many prospective adopters wanting a child in that age range.

Sorry I don't want to put you off, but just though it worth a mention.

Tolly that all sounds incredibly hard and distressing.

I am so sorry for you.

Just to balance the views here a little, I did not find the adoption process very difficult. It was actually quite 'nice' and a lot easier than the fertility route for me!

My birth dd has dyslexia and some quite challenging behaviour so I must say I had seem so far much worse behaviour from our birth dd than I have yet seen from our son (who joined our family by adoption). I am very aware I am in the minority in all this!

Our journey from starting (meeting social worker) to our son coming home was 20 months.

My understanding at the moment is that the initial process to approval may abe quicker, six months instead of a year or more, but the actual time to matching could be anything! I personally know of one dear couple who waited about 18 months but they did want a baby/toddler. Others have waited a few months. We waited five months from approval to hear about the boy who would become our son.

Good luck.

researchbookworm have you yet been to an activity day or an exchange day?

Exchange days are where you can meet social workers and some foster carers and see information about children who are waiting...
www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Activity days are where you can actually meet the children, as well as their foster carers and social workers and read some info too...

www.baaf.org.uk/ourwork/activitydays

Good luck.

Angels with silver wings...that post made me cry....
To all you posters..I am a lurker..got a dear friend going through infertility...I think you are ALL amazing!