destructive behaviour

[slkk]

Ds is 4 and has been home 8 months. He has severe speech delay, though has made good progress in speaking and understanding. He also has other delays. His behaviour has been challenging from day 1 (of intros!) but we have been really firm and consistent and he behaves so much better now. He is a really happy energetic little boy and seems really settled. However, he is going through a really destructive phase and has broken lots of his favourite toys and books. Sometimes he just picks one up and says 'break it? No.' or 'tear it? No.' , other times he has a manic laugh while breaking things, and other times he just quietly goes off and breaks things. Yesterday his sw brought him 2 new toys and he loved them both. However he had thrown one across the room even before she left. The other was played with all day but then in the evening he quietly tore it to pieces. We've tried talking to him, but it's not clear what he understands ( though he knows it's wrong) and he certainly can't explain why he does it. We've tried being cross. I've tried throwing the broken toys away in front of him but he just shrugs. Today I tidied a lot of his toys away and left him with th broken ones (he snapped all the track of a train set today) in an attempt to make him see a negative impact of his behaviour. But now I feel cruel. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice as I just don't know how to get him to look after and stop destroying his things. Thank you.

MY DSS who is adopted used to do this at a young age. We thought it was a test to see what we would do. He still breaks/destroys/looses toys/games/clothes/money and expects everything to be replaced, he is now a teen. In our experience it does not change or get easier.

No real advice but didn't want to read & run. Perhaps it's his own little way of not being able to deal with having such nice things? As in part of him may feel he "doesn't deserve them", or "they may be taken away" at some point anyway, so by braking them it's in his control. He may see having new toys as a overwhelming experience in which he perhaps cannot deal with on a subconscious level so "ruins" the "good" thing? That is all I can think of, our DS does/did used to do this in a way with new experiences/exciting times. Would compare it to a time in FC (which didn't happen), or would pretend he had done it before, just to play it down as not 'being so good' so to speak, in case it was taken away..

My instincts in your situation would to also be firm. Maybe you could try speaking out loud what he may be feeling with him? (You probably have), so, "oh you don't feel you should have this toy?" "You really want to brake this toy?" "You would like this toy to go now?" - I'm not sure perhaps along those lines? If I'm ever telling DS off etc, when I remember to put my empathetic & understanding hat on (v hard I'm more than not shouty :() it does work wonders on occasion & he has opened up a lot more in doing so. (He's 5, 4 when placed). We also tried removing toys as a punishment in the early days for certain behaviours & were left feeling terribly awful! It may be that your DSs sense of loss that may occur may be too much for him to handle or that he just can't deal with feeling he is good enough for new lovely toys. I hope that helps! Please ignore me if not :)

I don't have experience with adoption but your little boy sounds similar to mine. I have finally figured out one if his issues is attachment disorder and his anxiety with this has often resulted in extreme tantrums with kicking and breaking of things. He is emotionally much younger than his age so understanding for him is behind that of his peers. Lots of therapy is helping and he now understands how he is feeling and can at least articulate it.

I also found his extreme behaviours at school were linked very closely to my moods/hormones. Having fixed my mood swings I see a difference in him. I was extremely shouts but now much calmer and empathetic

It is hard work but I'm seeing the rewards which have made those tough times worthwhile.

Children are very focused on security of the relationship and when trying to figure out whether you are here to stay, they are going to test you. Be patient with him. He knows what is important he values the relationship and he can't see mere things/toys from your pov.

He is trying to figure out what is more important to you, the toys or him. He is trying to understand the role you see for toys. He really does not see them as having a monetary value or a play value, and nothing in his experience has told him anything about the good intention you have in providing them. He wants to know if you are using them to fob him off and if you are committed to him. The way to do this is to give him your time. Don't let the toys get between you.

Get him to 'help' you in the kitchen and garden and with laundry and doing things like making beds. Give high fives and some praise and thanks. He would like to know that you value him, and this is a good way to do that. Do other activities together at home like singing and dancing, and go swimming together instead of plying him with toys for him to play with. I don't know why the SW brought toys tbf.

Get a select few toys that are not breakable. Wooden blocks, a ball to kick around. Cuddly animals that are indestructible. Play with him with those few toys. He is old enough to be able to use a blackboard and some chalk with supervision. Put the toys away together when playtime is over.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. Lots to think about. Sw brought toys as they had been given by the police at Christmas for lac,. She doesn't usually. He is usually really good at tidying and keeping his room nice - he's never had his own space before. But this destructive behaviour is something different. Yes we will do more practical playing for a while (but no chalkboard yet as trying to teach him we only draw on paper not walls etc - that's a whole other story...). Will work on being calmer when he does it an try to verbalise for him. Thanks a lot.

Lots of good stuff already posted about staying very close and doing stuff together that isn't necessarily toy-related. I also found my adopted LO would destroy their favourite things whenever they were feeling emotionally overwhelmed or worried. I had some advice to work on narrating feelings and emotions for them, and teaching them words or signs for their feelings so that eventually they would come and tell/draw/sign what emotion they were struggling with. It definitely reduced the shredding of books etc (although I still make sure books and breakable toys stay in the living room, and only robust stuff is in the bedroom).

Did he bring his favourite toys and cuddly things with him, has he still got them, would reduce new thing's, do more practicable play de-clutter as much as you can , keep his best old things. When buying stuff try letting him choose himself with a trip too the shops a special day out, when things settle , lots will be trail and error, you will soon work out, which strategy works the best for your child, www.do2learn.com have lots of free stuff you can down load and use which you may find useful.

Yes he brought a few things - lots of cuddly toys but plays with them sporadically. To be honest, he doesn't have loads but Christmas and birthday were close together so he did get new things all at once ( though we have kept a few things back). I have now taken away most of the toys and left him with the cuddlies that brought from dc, a few cups and bricks and his cards which he loves sorting and playing with. He also has colouring pens etc (under supervision). He did look for his broken train set before remembering that it was broken but has been remarkably unfussed by the lack of his other things. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for advice.

You may find making his own book's be good , strong and laminated may help,
Favourite days out, mummy, daddy, best animals, anything , pictures of himself playing with his toy's may be a good idea. Can make them up cheap. Google ASDA Photo books. for idea's

I think you need to read about attachment disorders and therapeutic parenting.

Hopefully someone will come along and recommend a good book or two for you.

Does it sound like attachment issues to you, Goldmandra?

My eldest dd went through a phase of this, she came into my care at 8 she was originally my goddaughter and had a hugely abusive background. She was a contradiction. That she would do anything to please me said yes to everything I said, parroted my opinions, was so well behaved it was honestly frightening, but she would also quietly destroy things, jewellery, nice clothes not violently but deliberately shred them for example.
She had a lot of therapy and in her case it boiled down to she felt she didn't deserve good things. There was also a element of attachment issues in that she felt she has to test me, to see if she could drive me away only she was too afraid to yell at me or do it openly in case I actually did. :( hence the quiet destruction. I followed the advice of her therapist and took away all but essential items, a few toys, books and practical clothes New things were given very occasionally and she usually chose them . I also didn't get cross or even mention when things were broken, I just took them away, she had to see that they were irrelevant iyswim?
It was incredibly frustrating as I wanted to give her everything she had never had and I t took a long while but slowly she felt secure enough and the behaviour stopped.
Play therapy was very helpful for her, we ran scenarios over and over, like what would happen if she broke the tv, a dvd etc etc she would ask, I would say nothing hug her reassure her I loved her. Over and over. Maybe this is something you could explore? My dd also had some issues with using words and this role play was a safe way for her to explore her feelings.
Sorry this has turned into something of a mammoth post, I hope some part of it is helpful. Fwiw my dd is now 17 and these behaviours a distant memory, you won't see her turning down presents these days (or clothes!) And she really values them.

Mama1980 that was a really helpful and positive post. Thank you.

I have read about the kind of behaviours you described when reading around attachment disorders at undergraduate level. That doesn't mean it is attachment disorder but reading about it may give you some useful insight.

The parenting described in the post above sounds like the kind of therapeutic parenting I read about where the parent has to limit the toys and treats to the level the child can cope with and be very calm and consistent in their responses to destructive behaviour in order to reassure the child that they are still loved.

I don't want to say too much in case I remember it wrong but it might be worth you reading about it yourself.

Thanks Goldmandra.

I don't have personal experience of adoption, but as an educational professional this sounds very much like a self esteem issue - as Buster said, not feeling he deserves good things and spoiling things before someone spoils them for him. I would be as neutral and low key as possible about the damage.

I found that buying toys for my kids was a minefield. Ebay became my friend (and theirs, they loved the bidding system) and we bought 'house' toys. The toys didn't belong to any child in particular but to 'the house'. Lego is the only indestructible toy that can be broken again and again. I also play with the toys. Kids love that too. I am a fan of lego so genuinely enjoy that anyway but I also played with other toys. Sometimes asking can I join in, sometimes playing by myself. I would buy 2 identical colouring books so the kids would be doing the same as me. I did buy them their own toys as well!
You sound like you are doing an amazing job. I don't think we ever stop learning.

Try to get over what may be a subconscious fear you have that he is expressing rejection of you by destroying things you have provided. You both have fears -- on your part, it might be helpful to search deep down and find out what exactly the fear is that he exposes when he does certain things.

I think the advice to enable him to develop some sort of vocab to express frustrations and other feelings is very good. This was advice my cousin and his wife received wrt their DD who came to them from a Chinese orphanage at about age 3. They used signing and play dough (she could squeeze it, mash it with her fists, or roll it peacefully, etc and could also create facial expressions with it). Gradually she learned English and things settled down.

They also had two large and relaxed dogs whom she bonded with almost immediately. She would talk to them in whatever Chinese she had. I know this isn't an idea applicable to most families but it made a difference to her.

Hi slkk that all sounds very hard work and difficult for you. I hope you are able to relax and not take the behaviour too personally, as others have said.

Lots of wise advice above, and I too thought of Lego, as it is a nice toy to make and take apart. I also wondered about things like junk modelling, making stuff and expressing praise when he does it. Appropriate praise, not over the top, descriptive, and at a level he can handle. EG "That box looks really good now you have stuck all those stars over it." etc etc. Nothing too over the top. I also love the phrase, "You must be very proud of yourself." When they do manage to do something good or treat something nicely.

My ds is 4 and arrived by adoption last year aged 3. He has managed very well but is still very emotional, cries very easily, gets upset very easily.

In our training/prep we had the image of the 'fountain'. The water jetting out of the top of the fountain is the behaviour, the main column of the fountain is the belief the child has, and the base (where the water comes from) is the child's needs.

I hope I am remembering that rightly, please someone correct me if I am wrong.

The behaviour is a language to tell us how the child is feeling (a lot of the time, maybe not always but a lot of the time).

So in order to understand the behaviour we need to understand the child's thinking of their needs. It might be they feel unloved, unwanted, confused etc etc. This might lead to a belief they do not deserve nice things or have no value. The need might be for love, shown in an appropriate way they can understand, or for care, or for consistency or order or a bit of all of them.

I don't think being strict or firm will help as it will only tackle the behaviour. It might* stop the behaviour, but if the beliefs and needs are still there then the behaviour may move on to something else.

If you have post adoption support or advice, therapeutic parenting or theraplay or anything else on offer to you locally I would ask to access it now.

My ds has been home just over eight months and is now in school part time. Since starting school he has been much more emotional than he was before. Is your ds in school or preschool yet. If he is this may be adding to his pressure. For me starting ds at school felt like a massive decision and I feel it was right but we are going slowly (he is almost always just half days) and I would say ds is managing quite well, has very good (advanced language skills) and so with delayed language skills it can be even harder for your poor ds to get across what he wants to say.

I hope you get the help and support you need.

sorry

So in order to understand the behaviour we need to understand the child's thinking and their needs.

CalicoBlue I am so sorry you have experienced this and I do hope it will get better. In our area they run courses especially for parents of adopted teens and also do a lot of support for adopters. I know it is not always the case but I think in our area we have been fortunate.

Can you access any help where you are?

Thanks Italian, as his Step parent I am not really involved in the adoption stuff. My DH just thinks it is the way he is. Though strangely he always wants more stuff, which he gets, shows no real care for anything he gets, but at school will boast about all the stuff he has been bought and how he can have anything he wants.

For us as far as the adoption went, I was not with DH then, but as far as I know there was no after support. It all stopped when the adoption was finalised when he was 4.

I do try and keep out of it, DH does not see it as a problem. He would not want to seek help, I gave up suggesting that DSS needed support years ago.

Really sorry to hear that CalicoBlue and no real suggestions to offer, my ds is 4 so I am at the other end of the scale, but dd (birth child) is 10 and i can see the teenage hormones already getting ready to kick in!!! !!!

I wonder if your son will feel different when he eventually earns his own money and has to pay for things himself? I guess what I was getting at with the junk modelling (above) was about the idea of the value of something when you have made it yourself! And despite the term 'junk' modelling the children (my dd certainly really values the models she makes and keeps them, and she can be slightly destructive at times, although not on the scale described above).

It is probably no real comfort to you to know things have moved on in adoption circles and although there are some horrendous tales here of lack of support my county has been very, very supportive.

Calico it is easy to lose sight of yourself when in difficult family situations. Italian is right to suggest support, it would be for you. You don't need to involve other family members. To spend time with others going through similar issues can be very useful, even freeing. To learn what you can about the possible reasons for dss behaviour. That is, of course, assuming you haven't already.