destructive behaviour

[slkk]

Ds is 4 and has been home 8 months. He has severe speech delay, though has made good progress in speaking and understanding. He also has other delays. His behaviour has been challenging from day 1 (of intros!) but we have been really firm and consistent and he behaves so much better now. He is a really happy energetic little boy and seems really settled. However, he is going through a really destructive phase and has broken lots of his favourite toys and books. Sometimes he just picks one up and says 'break it? No.' or 'tear it? No.' , other times he has a manic laugh while breaking things, and other times he just quietly goes off and breaks things. Yesterday his sw brought him 2 new toys and he loved them both. However he had thrown one across the room even before she left. The other was played with all day but then in the evening he quietly tore it to pieces. We've tried talking to him, but it's not clear what he understands ( though he knows it's wrong) and he certainly can't explain why he does it. We've tried being cross. I've tried throwing the broken toys away in front of him but he just shrugs. Today I tidied a lot of his toys away and left him with th broken ones (he snapped all the track of a train set today) in an attempt to make him see a negative impact of his behaviour. But now I feel cruel. Does anyone have any experience of this or advice as I just don't know how to get him to look after and stop destroying his things. Thank you.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. It is only his own things he destroys. Unfortunately he also destroys things he has made or brought home from nursery (he was going 3 afternoons a week but 5 since Christmas, Italian). Just systematically peels sticky bits off and tears them up. He is due to be signed off by the clinical psychologist who has been working with us for other behaviour, but I will talk to her in more depth about this as it is getting worse. One thought - he is quite obsessive (e.g. dh asked him to close a door once a few months ago and this has slowly built into a huge obsession where if left to his own devices he will stand by any door and open and close it for hours...). Well, he brought a puzzle from fc which was quite old and the pieces were starting to peel so we glued it for him. He was delighted as it was a favourite puzzle and then we noticed there were more and more pieces peeling until we saw he was doing it on purpose so we would fix it. Finally the pieces were so ruined the puzzle had to be thrown away. This was along time ago and his behaviour hasn't really been destructive for all that time, but I wonder if it is in some way linked.

Does he have to go to nursery?

slkk good to keep asking questions and noticing things.

My dd is lovely but quite a handful and is currently being investigated for ASD and ADHD, although we think this is unlikely (certainly the first) but possible. She is dyslexic, which we did not know until she started Year 1 at school, she is not adopted.

DS is adopted and generally quite good' but is getting a bit 'hitty' lately!

It is so hard to know if children act in a certain way because of experiences they have had or because of who they are, or both!

I can't advise anything except do not let the post adoption support 'sign off' or disappear while you are still having this very destructive behaviour, IMVHO!

Also, can you get help to develop hs language skills? Do you know if he has any hearing problems?

Good luck.

I agree, Italian. It's hard to tell what is a passing phase and what is an issue that is a result of trauma and might continue to grow. Mathanxiety, he doesn't have to go but went at foster carers and we were advised to send him to support his language. To be honest he really enjoys it and seems to have made lots of friends and massages of progress with anxiety and shyness. Also I'm due back at work in June so he'll need to go then. He is having speech and language therapy and it has been suggested that a speech and language unit would be a good placement for reception but we need an echp for that and nursery aren't being very helpful. Again, another story! It all sounds a nightmare but really, he's a delightful little boy, not all problems!
Thank you all again. I dip in and out of these boards and see the advice you all give but somehow it's touching that you take the time and thought to help me! I'll keep everything you have said in mind.

Asd, Italian? That surprises me a bit from what outbreaks about dd.

Outbreaks? My tablet does the weirdest autocorrect. I think I typed what you've said about dd (it also always changes dd to f2f...).

slkk agree, my dh and I do not feel ASD for our dd, but we can see some aspects of ADD, not the hyperactivity of ADHD. Also, dyslexia is not just about not being good at spelling, it may account for 75% of the 'issues' for us apparetly.

Don't wait for the nursery to be helpful. You can get a model letter from the IPSEA website and request an EHC assessment yourself. Lots of children miss out on support because early years settings and schools tell parents not to apply. If you think he needs that specialist support go ahead and get things moving ASAP.

Will do that goldmandra. Thanks again :)

Your Ds sounds lovely sikk.
Could some of the ripping up and repetitive door shutting possibly be sensory in origin? As its only his own toys that get spoiled I suspect not, but wondered if doing sensory activities might be calming any way. Its so hard to know what is what. Ds (now a teen, but barely 2 at coming home) has ASD, ADHD, LD with sensory and auditory processing disorders included, and liked ripping up, chewing, pulling things apart. He also liked doors! He had lots of destructive behaviours as a small one, - and still is clumsy and very messy, but sensory play helped a little. I think sensory disorders can be common in adopted children (without any ASD). Ideas for sensory activities would include, popping bubble wrap, playing with cornflower and water (messy), ripping up paper for recycling, chopping or shredding veg, empty bottles to fill and pour in the bath, rolling in a fluffy blanket, sniffing the herbs and spice jars, shoulder massage.
I would also advise to apply for the EHCP (or whatever its called now) - Ds (very language and generally delayed) had to start school without any support, and we had to start all over again getting evidence together for his statement.

Thanks for the great ideas maggiso. He does also like putting things in his mouth and biting the rubber off his scooter handles. That's a really different way of looking at it but the slow way in which he destroys things might indeed mean he's enjoying the sensations. I will try some of your ideas.

And I have written requesting an ehcp assessment using the model letter from the opera website.

Oh jolly, how can I get an EHCP!! My dd (not adopted) has some behaviours, like making up potions in the bathrooms using lots of stuff, making a mess, making things in a creative but messy way. Along side this are the dyslexia and the temper/angry outbursts/not being able to control her behaviour at times!

I found this site

www.salford.gov.uk/whatisanehcp.htm

And I do think I need to explore this for dd. Bt can't see how I do this!

Italian, I would be happy to talk you through the process and give you some useful links if you'd like to PM me.

In order to get an EHC plan your child's needs have to be more than their school could be expected to support from their normal resources and they have to show that they have tried to support the child and failed to have a positive enough effect on their progress.

The IPSEA sea website is a good place to start and your local SENDIASS/parent partnership service should be able to help you too.

Yes I meant the ipsea website, not the opera website. As you dd is being assessed for asd and adhd I assume her school is aware of her needs. In that case it might be worth having a meeting with them to discuss her level of support and to ask if they would consider applying for an echp. We did this first but the school were unhelpful claiming he had no issues in nursery. A salt recommendation for a specialist speech and language unit and a paeds assessment showing 1st centile or below across the board wasn't enough to persuade them he needed support! Hopefully your school is more helpful, Italian.

Thanks slkk very helpful, sorry to hijack. I found so much help on the adoption boards for my non-adopted DD!

Thanks Goldmandra I have pmed you.