my baby son is going to be adopted

[anxious123]

In May of last year I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who I didn't meet until he was 4 weeks ago as I signed a section 20 voluntary care order. I had contact with him until August when I had to put a stop to it in fear that my ex would harm my baby. My son was conceived through rape.

Tomorrow I am going to view his child permanence report for the first time. On Monday the IRH is to be held, which is likely to turn into the final hearing as in the LAs words 'Unusually Miss supports the recommendation of adoption'.

I haven't really spoken to anyone. 99% of people around me didn't even know I was pregnant. I know they've already had interest in my baby from what the SW has said.

I have been offered a final contact and am requesting letterbox contact once or twice a year. This is not a decision I've made lightly and it purely done out of love; I couldn't give him what he needs and deserves and I want the very best for him.

The SW said providing the adoptive parents agree I can meet them - what sort of things can I ask and what are complete no nos? Obviously last names and addresses are out of the question.

I'm going to write his current foster carer a letter of thanks as she has looked after him beautifully and has always been kind to me when I've met her.

Have any of you who've adopted, adopted a child who has been given up for adoption rather than taken, if so how did you find it? I'm just curious really. I don't want his new family to think I just couldn't be bothered when that's genuinely not the case. I love him enough to know that letting him go is the right thing to do.

Any thoughts welcome x

I have no advice but your post made me cry and I didn't want to read and run.

You sound like a lovely, caring, thoughtful and strong woman and I hope that it all works out for you.

Could you ask them about how they invisage family life, if they are spiritual/religious, any hobbies/interests. what their family are like. So that you have some idea of what your son may be doing in years to come.

Wishing you strength and happiness x

Your post made me cry. You are incredible.

I'd ask them what kind of hobbies they might do as a family too. I think I'd like to be able to envisage my baby as a child cycking or swimming or camping or doing judo... Maybe have an idea if they are sporty, musical etc.

Wishing you strength.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you can take comfort in knowing that your son will be well cared for and desperately wanted.

I know several adopters on here have met birth parents or wanted to and at least one poster who met the adoptive parents of her son last year and they can give you much better practical advice.

My son was relinquished rather than removed though sadly his mother left no way of contacting her so the situation was a little different. It was also in another country so the expectation of contact once you're relinquished is very different.

If you are able to bring (and leave) photos I would do that. I think DS would love to know what any of his birth family looked like and would be very curious about hobbies they enjoyed.

Good luck

I've already emailed the SW photos of me both past and present for his life story book. I've also given them a full account of my life history so hopefully he'll have something of a fuller picture.

Good idea about hobbies, I'll remember that one. It'll help my mind rest a little if I know what sort of opportunities he'll be offered later in life.
Thanks guys xx

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time x

My children were removed and adopted without consent but my DD2 and DS birth mum was still willing to meet and talk to me, and I have no regrets about meeting her before adopting DD. I know from my perspective as an adoptive mum, both set/s of parents meeting is often a really positive thing.

When I met my kids birth mum, we took a photograph of us together for DD to keep. We hoped it would help her to know that we met and talked about her, and her mum was still involved etc (it did help).

Are you coming up blank for questions to ask or do you have some ideas but aren't sure whether they are okay?

In my experience, anything identifying is usually not allowed to be talked about, so that would include their occupation if it's too specific (it depends on the job) as well as full names and whereabouts they live.

Among other things, my DD2's birth mum asked me whether I had a garden for DD to play in, whether I would take her on holidays, whether I was going to work or be a stay at home mum, what my hobbies were and what me and DD would do together in our free time, and very importantly to her, what I would tell DD about adoption, and what I would tell DD about her.

She didn't ask me about whether I had any faith or went to church, but maybe that's something you'd like to know?

Also, just in case you're interested, these are some of the questions I asked her in return, and quite a lot of adoptive parents might ask (apologies if any of these aren't applicable to your situation) -

Why did she choose x as DD's name?
What hobbies did she enjoy doing?
Did she have any particular talents or strengths or achievements I could tell DD about?
Did DD 'take after' anyone in the family particularly?
Is there anything she would like DD to know about her in the future?

And I double checked with her whether there were any health conditions in the family which DD might develop (I was given health history by SW's but I wanted mum's perspective)

We ended up talking for ages after an awkward start

I think I'd like to know something of their job - even if it's as simple as is it academic or vocational. I'd like to know something of their family setup - do they have other children etc. What sort of things do they do to relax? That sort of thing.

It's all a bit of a blur at the moment, I'll talk to the SW about it all tomorrow. Think I'll be taking a long list of notes.

OP I just want to tell you that you are doing a really brave, wise and wonderful thing here. You chose to give your little son the gift of life in the first place, after a traumatic start. Now giving him up to a couple who want, and can care for him more easily perhaps than you can at the moment, is an incredibly hard thing to do.

Perhaps write him a special letter that he can read one day when he is old enough, letting him know exactly how much you love him and why this was better for him. Perhaps explain, too. Mysteries tend not to help with healing, but love will speak forever. My DP was adopted as a baby and your situation rings some bells here.

May you receive many blessings and much, much comfort, understanding and support as you face the future .

One of my adopted children was relinquished and we had an open adoption ie the birth family knew my name and address and I knew theirs . I met them more than once and they sent gifts and cards for a while . We only made contact through social services

As seems to be the usual pattern, they stopped asking for any contract aftre a while and this was ok as the child concerned didn't want to see them or hear from them

Woudl you be interested in this ? I don't know if it's possible in your situation . I don't see why the adoption has to be closed if you are relinquishing your baby and you are obviously not a risk to anyone

Anxious nothing to add in the way of experience for this situation but wanted to say we are in the process of adopting the most beautiful baby who is 6 months old. I wish his birth mother were a person like you, such strength and courage to do what you think is best for him and complete selflessness from you.
I can only say I'm sure his adoptive parents will feel exactly like us, every second I look at him I realise how incredibly lucky we are to be given the opportunity to be parents to such an amazing baby. Our friends say how lucky he is to have us but it is absolutely the other way round. We feel completely blessed to have him in our lives.
I wish you all the best for your future and hope your meeting will help you find a way to come to terms with it all.

Nobody's mentioned open adoption to me so they're perhaps not advocates of it (my LA I mean). I wish his current foster carer was keeping him!
It's not easy and I've had more than my fair share of "oh sh*t what am I doing' moments along the way. I miss him terribly and I'm not convinced in this situation that time is a healer.

You sound so strong, OP. I'm in awe of the decisions you have made for your boy.

In addition to everything you've already thought of, I would suggest thinking of as much family medical history as you can. I know someone who was adopted as a baby and has no idea of his medical history. Anything you can think of, any relatives you can ask will help build up a picture for him.

Anxious I am so sorry for all you have been through. I have you have had help for you, rape crisis centre or counselling or whatever. You are obviously trying to do all you can for your son and I hope you are also looking after yourself.

My little boy was not relinquished.

I hope to meet his birth parents sometime.

The questions I will ask are about them, their hobbies and interests, what they liked as children and now as adults. Even things like TV programs and music they like, pets etc.

Their favourite things (toys as children) and now

Their temperament (laid back, calm, edgy etc).

What their/our little boy, Cassius (not his real name!) was like as a baby, young child.

And for the mum, pregnancy and any cravings, anything funny that happened etc.

Their hopes for Cassius.

What they hope I will do as a parent, what is important to them, e.g. education, religion/spirituality/fun, all of the above.

Sorry this is 'backwards' for you, as I am an adopter, but I hope it helps!

God bless you and may this all go as smoothly as it possibly can.

Anxious we adopted our DS about 14 months ago and met our DS's birth mother in Spring last year - it was helpful for the meeting that DS had been living with us for a while as she wanted an update.(He was taken not relinquished.)

It was very emotional - and at the end she reached out and hugged me - and I hugged her very tightly - I am afraid we were both crying.

She asked about what we did, whether we had other children but mostly it was about him.

She gave very little away - which I felt was a shame as I have very little info to pass on to DS.

Questions I asked;

• why did she choose his name?
• how did she meet BF

-what did she like doing when she was a child

• does she like town living or country living and why
• what was she good at at school?
• how many siblings she had?

I took a book as I wasn't sure I would remember everything.
Make sure you have a good friend who can be outside after the meeting. I imagine you will need lots of TLC afterwards,

x

anxious I have no experience or advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all that has happened that has meant you feel you have to do this. Please be kind to yourself

Oops - I've just realised my "I'm sorry for your loss" makes it look like he's died sorry.

Gosh you are brave, am so sorry you had to experience this. I wish you the very best.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

Re meeting the adoptive parent/s. Remember they will be as nervous as you. Most adopters I think jump at the chance to meet the birth family.

We met our DD's birth parents and I am so glad. It should help DD in the future and it made them real people to us, not just words on a page.

The only no nos really would be things that might identify them, or asking why they are adopting.

What do you want to know? Our DD's birth mum asked for a photo of her room, so she could imagine her settled. They also asked about holidays.

All the best to you. Your love for your son shines through and will be wrapped around him wherever he goes

No words or experience but wanted to add hugs and thoughts for you xx

We have adopted a relinquished baby, and we met our baby's mum. It is still relatively early days, so I can't write from a long term perspective yet.

Aside from the 'usual' questions:

• She told us that she thought about her/our baby every day, and often agonised if it was the right decision.

This I have found incredibly important. I am so glad she shared that with us. I mean I kind of would have assumed it, but it is so helpful that she said it explicitly. As baby grows up we will be able to assuredly explain that BM acted out of love and consideration. As the child grows into a teenager we will be able to talk about how sometimes choices are terribly restricted and whatever you decide, it will feel wrong; how sometimes the agonising doesn't end after coming to a decision; and so on. Our child may ask 'but how do you know?' and I will be able to say, 'she told me; and I saw the truth of it in her eyes.'

• What she didn't say was how she was, or if she had anyone at all who was supporting her through this time.

I regret this. She was experiencing hardship, when she decided to relinquish the baby for adoption. Our child will have to know a bit about this, in an age appropriate way, in order to understand how it came to adoption. Our child may then worry about BM's welfare. I wish I could reassure my child that BM was not all alone, and that ultimately she was 'ok' - however unless she volunteers such information in letterbox, I will never know.

• We know very little about the genetic father. We would have welcomed any amount of information, of any kind. E.g. it would have been helpful to know if he might be a security risk at any stage; or anything that our child may want or need to know.

One note though - as wonderful as it is if you can put your baby's needs first at this point; don't forget that you need to look after yourself.

I now have a final contact with my son on 4th February. Thanks for all the support

Good luck, Anxious.

Sorry Anxious that sounded very flippant! I really meant to say - Thinking of you.

You sound such a lovely person, as others have said I hope that you have supportive people around you. I'm sure that the people adopting your son will be fully aware how lucky they are

It must be such a hard situation, OP.

Will be thinking of you on the 4th