my baby son is going to be adopted

[anxious123]

In May of last year I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who I didn't meet until he was 4 weeks ago as I signed a section 20 voluntary care order. I had contact with him until August when I had to put a stop to it in fear that my ex would harm my baby. My son was conceived through rape.

Tomorrow I am going to view his child permanence report for the first time. On Monday the IRH is to be held, which is likely to turn into the final hearing as in the LAs words 'Unusually Miss supports the recommendation of adoption'.

I haven't really spoken to anyone. 99% of people around me didn't even know I was pregnant. I know they've already had interest in my baby from what the SW has said.

I have been offered a final contact and am requesting letterbox contact once or twice a year. This is not a decision I've made lightly and it purely done out of love; I couldn't give him what he needs and deserves and I want the very best for him.

The SW said providing the adoptive parents agree I can meet them - what sort of things can I ask and what are complete no nos? Obviously last names and addresses are out of the question.

I'm going to write his current foster carer a letter of thanks as she has looked after him beautifully and has always been kind to me when I've met her.

Have any of you who've adopted, adopted a child who has been given up for adoption rather than taken, if so how did you find it? I'm just curious really. I don't want his new family to think I just couldn't be bothered when that's genuinely not the case. I love him enough to know that letting him go is the right thing to do.

Any thoughts welcome x

I'm so sorry this is such a difficult thing you're going through, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and think of a comforting thing to say, I would try to take comfort in the fact that your son has had/will have a life of love, your doing this out of love and the foster carer sounds like she loves him and the adoptive parents will love him also. He's a very special little boy. This is such a selfless and brave decision you're making x

I was adopted as a baby as my birth mother couldn't manage to keep me. It helped me to know little things about my birth mother and father and to be told that my birth mother loved me. I met her when I was in my 20s and have since met my birth father. I love them both and there is a close connection with no negative feelings whatsoever. Infact I love them partly for making such a hard decision which was clearly absolutely the right decision for me.
Someone asked me once if I ever felt angry towards my birth mother for leaving me - the question meant nothing to me, you know - it rang no bells and I dug deep to see if there was any anger but none exists in me towards her. I have felt enormous gratitude towards her (because I ended up with warm, loving adoptive parents) and sadness at her life/decision but never anger or anything negative.
When I had my own babies I truly realised the amazing sacrifice she had made and felt even more respect and love for her. She is dead now and I'm left feeling I didn't express that enough during our reunions but I think she knew deep down.
I feel for you so much. You're brave and strong and are giving your baby such a good chance by what you're doing. Adoptive parents are pretty special people too.

anxious I met my DCs birth mother and grandmother after they'd been placed about 9 months - they were removed and birth mum fought it all the way. Meeting after they'd been with me for a while helped in a way, because I could tell her things they were up to which were new since she'd last seen them, eg DS talking, DD starting school. I could also say for sure that I loved them, and that they were happy. Have you been given a timescale for when the meeting might take place?

I only had a few questions I asked - how their names were chosen, if she thought they take after anyone in the birth family in looks or temperament, if there is a better or worse time of year for her to receive letterbox - I didn't want to inadvertently send a letter on an anniversary or something. She asked how they were, if we'd been on holiday, if they still had interests they'd had when smaller. We took photos together for the DCs lifestory books, and all hugged at the end. Both BM and grandmother said 'look after them' and I promised I would, we were all crying. I had asked the SW to take notes during the meeting, so I didn't have to try to remember every detail as I knew it'd be emotional , maybe you could do that?

It was nerve wracking for me to go to the meeting, but I can only imagine how much more nerve wracking it was for her. I have the most enormous respect for her, just purely for the fact she agreed to meet me - I know all kinds of intimate details about her life from the CPR, she knew absolutely nothing about me, what I'd be like, how I'd treat her, and she came. I have a great deal of respect for her courage. I know it's not the same set of circumstances for all adoptions, but I'd always had a lot of - sympathy is the wrong word, compassion? - for birth mum, she made bad choices and didn't keep her DC safe, but given her own childhood and the people she was mixed up with, she's had very little chance in life. From the CPR and talking to FCs and SWs I'd always believed she was a good person who loved the children and cared for them as well as she could given her own experience of being parented and her lifestyle, and that's very important for me and for them. Meeting her only reinforced that belief. So if you're thinking the adopters will judge you harshly I think it's unlikely, given what you've said and how clear it is that you're doing this out of love for your son.

I hope some of this is useful, please be kind to yourself

Good luck, this must all be so difficult. Please be sure you are making the right decision and get all the support you can in doing that. I worked with women who gave their child up for adoption as part of a research degree and although they all felt that they couldn't have kept their baby, many bitterly regretted it and it was something that they found very difficult to adapt to. I know you sound like you have made your decision and don't want to confuse you but it is such an irreversible decision that you shouldn't feel that you have taken it so far that there's no going back.

I am a birth mum. My son was taken from me. And even knowing it's best doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Expect emotions. My sons mum burst into tears as soon as she saw me. I was emotional too but we spoke. I asked his progress plans for Xmas (met beginning December 2013) they asked questions. You might want to ask about religion. Take a picture with them for life story. It makes contact easier and for Me it meant I could back them at adoption order as I could see how much our son meant to all of us in that room that day.

Don't underestimate the emotions involved. Be gentle with yourself.

I would also recommend rape crisis from my own experience their counselling is fantastic.

Placement orders granted. No other words x

I'm sorry I hope you are looking after yourself. Take care.