Nelly Were you offered a parenting course? We had to go on one and this is where we were introduced to PACE - playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy.
I do not always remember to use it! I get frustrated and all that. I just think it is helpful to remind myself what it is all about as it is useful and aimed at the kids we are parenting (I would include my birth dd who is challenging, dyslexic and needs plenty of empathy rather than strictness).
This interview, Using PACE to create loving attachments – An Interview with Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes, is very interesting.
Part way down the interview is...
"As all parents can testify, children who are emotionally secure with their parents will at times express themselves through challenging behaviour. The ‘terrible two’s and three’s’ is a common although perhaps misplaced expression for a normal stage of development in which children express their developing autonomy through tantrums and oppositional behaviour. Behavioural advice can be very helpful in helping parents to manage this sometimes challenging stage with their children. Some children, whether because of the unwitting reinforcement by the parent, or because of their own developmental challenges, will continue to exhibit these challenging behaviours as they grow older, placing additional strains on the family. Many sound parenting interventions have been developed to help parents of these children with broadly helpful results.
Children who have been hurt, rejected, neglected and/or experienced separation and loss of parents early in life do not have an emotionally secure base. For these children the social learning-based approaches are less helpful because they are centrally focused on behaviour, and therefore less focused on the building of trust and security with parents. These children therefore need a more tailored experience of parenting which leads them to develop more secure attachment relationships with their caregivers, whether they are a biological, adoptive, or foster parent or other kind of substitute parent. Attachment focused parenting combines the social learning ideas of traditional parenting interventions with ideas more centrally focused on building emotional security and helping children to heal from past trauma and loss. This parenting tends to focus on building security through higher levels of warm and empathic nurturing, greater attention to emotionally connecting with the child, and helping the child to experience love that is unconditional alongside the behavioural management that is always going to be a core part of parenting children."
Then
"This book describes the ‘PACE’ parenting model. Can you tell us more about the model and how it works?
Kim: PACE is an attitude to help parents connect with the children they are caring for. Through a playful, highly accepting, curious and empathic approach the parents can more deeply connect with their child’s internal experience. This is modelled on the way that parents connect with their infants in healthy parent-child relationships, and is the foundation for healthy relationships and the development of attachment security.
Dan: We have found that the core qualities of playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy tend to develop trust and leave the child in an open and engaged state of mind, receptive to his parents’ guidance and love. We have also found that when parents are able to consistently maintain the attitude of PACE, they are able to relate with their child with greater patience and understanding regarding their child’s behaviour, and then be in a position to respond to it, rather than react to it.
One thing that stands out is the book’s positivity in contrast with many other parenting books’ focus on discipline and managing problems. Is this an important part of your approach?
Kim: Absolutely, we want to help parents have deeper, intersubjective relationships with their children which are deeply rewarding for both of them. Relationships which provide security for the child, and also an experience of deep connection with another are the foundation of healthy emotional development. This goes way beyond discipline and problem management. Our aim is to help parents and children have healthy, emotionally connected relationships within which children learn to adjust to societal expectations for their behaviour, whilst also developing a positive sense of self and the confidence to go forward in their life to make many more happy and connected relationships."
PACE to create loving attachments – An Interview with Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes [[http://www.jkp.com/blog/2012/03/interview-kim-golding-daniel-hughes-creating-loving-attachments/]]
There is more, read on if interested or Google about for more.
Hope I am not teaching my grandma to suck eggs.
All the best, Nelly.