I want it/I don't want it. My 3 yr old won't make up his mind!!

[Nellyc1]

The most gorgeous and amazing 3 yr old boy moved in with us 3 months ago and after the initial honeymoon period he began acting like a 'normal' 3 yr old . However in the past few weeks he has started doing some very hard to manage behaviour. Basically he says he wants something but when I give it to him he says he doesn't want it. Then i take it away and he screams that he wants it. Then I give it back and (surprise surprise) he doesn't want it again!!
This is a lose lose situation for both of us because i can't give him what he wants because be doesn't seem to know what he wants.
Has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any coping tips? We are working to a 3 strikes rule and then the item/trip etc is taken away. This has meant a few missing meals and trips to fun places!!

Our son was older when he joined our family, but I recognise some of what you describe. In my humble opinion, it sounds like control, or a desire to be in control.

Our son would try and control everything, and now, a year on, reverts to this when anxious, there's a change of routine, he's tired etc. It's really hard, but what worked for us was sticking to our guns if we said no to something, offering a choice if we could, but no choice if we couldn't. He needed to know we were in control and he could relax. He also needed to know we were consistent and therefore could be relied upon, but go my god it was hard.

If a desire to control is at the heart of the behaviour, you are definitely not alone and I really hope that things get better as your LO feels more settled and secure. And I don't mean that he doesn't yet, but just that it's relatively early days and hope things improve.

TrinnyandSatsuma very wise.

GrimbleGrumble that's very important about boundaries.

DS was very easy but he still needed boundaries and when we started to discipline him, very simply and gently, it was hard, I felt awful.

I just made him sit by me on the floor for a few minutes, just to calm down. It worked! More by luck than judgement maybe. I do call it time out but it is not time out away from me it is time out of the situation, so could be called time in!

He has time outstime ins now for naughty behaviour but not the supernanny kind! I know those are banned for looked after children.

He just sits quietly with me or where he can see me and it helps him calm down.

We also now give three things that can be taken away - sweets after dinner (3 small ones), stickers at bedtime, (again 3) and some TV each day, which can also be lost. For us these things worked for dd, now 10 (and still do - although really now only the TV and certainly not the stickers!) and they are working for ds (4) too.

We found with our DC it was all about letting go of parenting themselves for a long time. Even in FC our DC was very independent probably because there was a fear that FC could disappear like BF and BM did. Over 2 years in and finally DC is allowing us to parent. We had to try something different each time a new behaviour appeared. The tantrums were so complicated. Now I look back it is like we were being tested as to if we would give up. Now DC says wasn't I great today, I didn't have one tantrum and is really proud of it. We found being consistent, ignoring unwanted behaviour and praising good and also trying to make a joke or blowing a raspberry often broke the tension. But I also wish I'd chosen my battles, it would have made life a lot easier. Teeth brushing still a nightmare and putting on shoes! But strangely I can see these issues came from FC's behaviour and I'm not knocking FC as she did some amazing work with DC regarding food and sleeping. Good luck Nelly