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Child is very violent with me.WWYD?

33 replies

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 17:50

Namechanged for this. Am a regular.

I adopted a DC as a single parent.
DC's bloodline is fraught with behavioural/phsychotic/mental issues.

DC was abused by birth parents till taken into care when DC was 4.

I met, fell in love with and adopted DC within 3 years of this.

I knew about the abuse and bloodline but naivly thought that with love, care and nurturing DC would not be cured of the disabilities DC has (along with above mentioned has autism, ASD, behavioural issues, none of which I gave DC).

unforch circumstances -me being a disabled single parent myself and DCS disabilities, we have had to go throught he ringer to get to now, DC has just turned teen, and with it, even thoughI fully understand the hormonal changes and growth pains, etc, DC cant understand this -also has severe learning difficulties,

DC is either remembering the abuse, or one thing or another is now punching, kicking me, spitting at me, verbal abuse-Im gonna kill you, Ill murder you in your sleep etc...

Its obviously very distressing for me.

DC has not been dragged up, they are in a good solid moral upbringing, I never let DC watch violent/superhero stuff, nor play xbox stuff except mariokart type things, they never listen to explicit lyrics etc etc, Im very careful what DC watches on tv etc.

yet DC has this in the DNA, and CAMHS woont deal with it, they say its nothing to do with them, nor anger management, soc servces basically say ''your child, your responsibility, you should have said no to them and not adopted them''. WTF?

why am I being trashed for loving a child and doing the best I can?

But Im scared. Ive had to call police a couple of times and once eneded up in hospital with bruised ribs.

thing is,, I told police DC is not a badly dreagged up thug, DC has mental issues.

I don't know what else to do, DC doesn't know their own strength and I try to be as patient as poss.

adoption services not helpful ither, or GP as I only have limited medical evidence of DCS bloodline.

thanks for reading this, sorry its long.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 17/10/2014 17:53

Sorry I don't have any experience with this, but try posting on the special needs forum as well. Of course it's impossible to tell how much is from which cause but people over there may be able to help with the ASD/autism side of things.

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 17:55

Ive posted before in that site but they tell me as child is adopted to come over here!

I thought a lot of adopters might have adopted SN children, there are a lot taken into care after abuse and stuff?

OP posts:
Ledkr · 17/10/2014 17:55

Contact your local social service and ask for the adoption support team. You have a legal right to support.

Ledkr · 17/10/2014 17:57

And yes this is the best place to post, the amazingly experienced adopters will be along soon.

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 17:59

Ive copied thread to SN board too.

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Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 18:00

Led DC was adopted overseas, even though DC has a British passport and stuff, and overseas SS wont help,, they washed their hands of DC once adoption went through.

so British SS and AST not very helpful.

Ive tried many times.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 17/10/2014 18:01

Where are you getting the most / best replies, because I would rather just post on that? Hope you are ok.

Kazza299 · 17/10/2014 18:07

I thought that after 3 years the LA where you live should take over the support?

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 18:20

Line no ones replied on SN board yet.

Kazza I thought so too.

sn adopted child, no respite, no support, no other family or other help.

I have a massive bump and bruise on leg today after an attack-don't want to call it assault, as I said, DCs not a thug, but DC was expelled from sn school because of going for teachers and pupils -only when DC was interrupted when doing something, DC cant stand anyone invading the space.

Im teaching DC at home and DC is brilliantly calmer with home schooling, just everything else.

OP posts:
Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 18:22

Im just wondering if any of you have adopted children with difficulites and what help or support or stratergies do you have?

I managed to calm DC down eventually by getting out the lego, but cant do that all day every day.

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Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 18:47

my social worker just came back to me saying they'll send a support worker sometime next week for an hour and see how it goes.

DC may or may not go for them but well see.

my social workers very nice but hes very limited to what he can do as this is not a 'put in a a particular box' case IYKWIM.

thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Lilka · 17/10/2014 18:54

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I have two children who have been aggressive and violent at times. I've been to hospital once, and had many more bruises etc. One has a mild learning disability, the other doesn't. Neither has autism though

The things that helped them (but not a cure or anything) were therapy and therapeutic life story work, but obviously that relies on them being able to understand it and engage with it. It was funded by SS. It hasn't been easy to get that and over the years I've had meeting after meeting and been through tape after tape after more tape. At home I tried out various strategies for deescalating things and keeping things predictable and calm until something worked. However, I don't doubt you're already doing everything you possible can to give him the environment at home which helps him best.

Despite all the things she's had, my second child left home recently because I can't cope anymore with her aggression, and DC3 and I can't live like that any more. Nothing I did could change that in the end. I can't 'fix' it, so now I'm having to protect everyone by refusing to have her living with me anymore

I hope you find the worker professional and helpful

Kewcumber · 17/10/2014 18:54

overseas adoption is irrelevant. Since we signed the Hague convention SS are obliged to offer same support regardless of where child was born. Of course that might not be much depending on your council.

Maryz may have some useful tips.

Also talk to Family Futures, they have some good courses and resources that are reasonably priced.

insanityscratching · 17/10/2014 18:58

Hello, I have two birth children with autism so might be able to help with the autism side of things. Firstly can I ask is ds in a school that meets his needs? Is it an autism specialist school or a generic special school? My experience has been that home pays the price when the school isn't the right environment for that child. Is he generally happy at school? Do they see these behaviours? Is he beginning puberty? Do you have access to autism specific support?
Lots of questions but hopefully I'll be able to give suggestions.

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 18:58

Thank you all for your replies.

Im typing here and Dc just came over, gave me the sweetest smile than punched me hard in the arm!

I bruise very easily.

worst thing is I was myself abused as a child and by my ex, I really don't need this from my own child.

I understood DCs frustrations BECAUSE of my own abuse and didn't want them to go through what I did.

I will throw the Hague convention thing in the face of the next adoption/SS person who says they cant/wont help!

OP posts:
Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 19:02

INsanity DCS home educated as DC couldn't cope in a school and no schools (Ive rried every sn type) could accept DC.

DCs very good and happy with this arrangement, only thing acceptable to DC.

And even though Im on mn right now DC gets masses of attention all the time from me, its not like Im ignoring DC. DC knows this is downtime when dvd on for DC (Cool runnings today) and its mums mn time. we are sitting together though.

this has been getting steadily worse over the last few months but really blown up over the last 2 weeks.

nothing S FAR AS I KNOW HAS TRIGGERED THIS ESCALATION. (sorry, caps locked then!)

OP posts:
wanttosinglikemarycoughlan · 17/10/2014 19:07

My DD can be disruptive, destructive and violent
We did manage to get support from SS but not without a fight. Where adopted from is irrelevant and, if you were unable to cope, SS would have to provide care for your DC so it is in their interests to support you
Have you had as assessment of need? you have a legal right to one so you can request the assessment from SS
Once need is recognised you have something to fight for
I had to enlist the help of our MP and I wrote to the director of SS, it did help that they had made mistakes along the way that he was unaware of
I worded the letter, we need support in order to prevent a breakdown of our family
It is IMO the only way to get them to help
Have you had any CAMHS input? or any therapeutic input
There is money available in some areas to fund therapeutic and, I believe, it will be rolled out across England next year
You can have free consultations with private agencies so you could prepare for this
I had a telephone consultation with family futures (too far away to use) and consultations with 2 other agencies. They all gave very useful information

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 19:10

that's an idea, breakdown of family (even though its just DC and me weve become very strained).

I don't ever want to give up on DC, DCs my very heart and soul.

Dc has a disbilty statement, the council services really are beyond useless.

I wrote to every MP/councillor in the borough and not ONE has ever gotten back to me.

Like CAmeron, like minions!

OP posts:
insanityscratching · 17/10/2014 19:12

Have you tried independent specialist schools? I'm thinking Hesley Group/ Cambian Group/Priory Group sort of standards? They would be able to provide an individual curriculum, family support and respite. Yes fees are huge expensive but I would think ds would attract funding from education, health and social care.

Adoptakid · 17/10/2014 19:13

going back to my regular nn now, thanks for replies, ill keep tracjk of them and get back tomorrow again (if I survive Sad)

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Devora · 17/10/2014 19:16

I don't have any good advice to offer but I just want to send you all my sympathy. My adopted daughter is physically aggressive and has real problems with anger management - but she's only 5, so not doing too much harm (yet). I am seeking help, though, because I'm really concerned that if this isn't managed properly now it will grow as an issue - and she will grow into someone with the physical capacity to really hurt.

It makes me angrier than I can say that you've had the brush-off from CAMHS. I know it's an overstretched service, but it's not the first time I've heard of them making out that adopted children are somehow outside of their remit. You are going to have to fight for help here, and I imagine just the thought makes you feel exhausted. Do you have anyone who can help advocate for you? Have you talked to adoption uk?

insanityscratching · 17/10/2014 19:30

Devora CAMHS are pretty useless when it comes to autism too in fact the only way really to get autism specialist support is through the independent specialist school system has been my experience.

Ledkr · 17/10/2014 19:40

Ask your worker about an assessment of needs using the new BAAF forms. Then you can apply to the adoption support fund for some money for appropriate therapeutic input.
You parents are amazing btw.

Devora · 17/10/2014 20:12

So pretty useless all round then, insanity Sad. Why is there not a national scandal about the state of mental health services for young people? I just don't understand how it has been allowed to get this bad.

insanityscratching · 17/10/2014 20:25

Well for autism I think the huge increase in numbers diagnosed has meant that the services have been diluted so much that there is no longer any sort of specialist input available outside of the private sector. Ds was diagnosed seventeen years ago and we had weekly/fortnightly input from a team of NHS specialists right up to him being 6 or seven. Dd was diagnosed 9 years ago and saw specialists once or twice for diagnosis and then was discharged on diagnosis. Dd has had no input from psych SALT or OT since she was diagnosed whereas ds in independent specialist had input from each specialist once, twice even three times a week and daily at times of crisis

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