Child is very violent with me.WWYD?

[Adoptakid]

Namechanged for this. Am a regular.

I adopted a DC as a single parent.
DC's bloodline is fraught with behavioural/phsychotic/mental issues.

DC was abused by birth parents till taken into care when DC was 4.

I met, fell in love with and adopted DC within 3 years of this.

I knew about the abuse and bloodline but naivly thought that with love, care and nurturing DC would not be cured of the disabilities DC has (along with above mentioned has autism, ASD, behavioural issues, none of which I gave DC).

unforch circumstances -me being a disabled single parent myself and DCS disabilities, we have had to go throught he ringer to get to now, DC has just turned teen, and with it, even thoughI fully understand the hormonal changes and growth pains, etc, DC cant understand this -also has severe learning difficulties,

DC is either remembering the abuse, or one thing or another is now punching, kicking me, spitting at me, verbal abuse-Im gonna kill you, Ill murder you in your sleep etc...

Its obviously very distressing for me.

DC has not been dragged up, they are in a good solid moral upbringing, I never let DC watch violent/superhero stuff, nor play xbox stuff except mariokart type things, they never listen to explicit lyrics etc etc, Im very careful what DC watches on tv etc.

yet DC has this in the DNA, and CAMHS woont deal with it, they say its nothing to do with them, nor anger management, soc servces basically say ''your child, your responsibility, you should have said no to them and not adopted them''. WTF?

why am I being trashed for loving a child and doing the best I can?

But Im scared. Ive had to call police a couple of times and once eneded up in hospital with bruised ribs.

thing is,, I told police DC is not a badly dreagged up thug, DC has mental issues.

I don't know what else to do, DC doesn't know their own strength and I try to be as patient as poss.

adoption services not helpful ither, or GP as I only have limited medical evidence of DCS bloodline.

thanks for reading this, sorry its long.

Adoptakid I am so sorry to hear this.

In your shoes I think I absolutely would be letting him play with lego a lot if this stopped me being the victim of violence.

I am horrified you are not getting the help you need.

I do not have experience of this but I know friends with violent and anxious non-adopted children. I have a birth dd who has been a bit aggressive at times and a newly adopted son who can be a little bit aggressive (as he is 4, and so very young, it is mostly kicking and hitting but quite gentle still). At first I put up with it and also his very, very loud screaming! then one day he screamed in my ear so loud he actually made my ear hurt for a few hours so I said after that if he did it again I would walk out of the room. Now I and my dd walk away from him if he screams. He now hardly screams at all. (the screaming was just his way of getting attention if upset but he is gradually learning to use words to alert us to the concern, which is usually a very minor thing like which order his shoes are put on!)

I have also now started moving away from him when he kicks or hits and if he does it when he is in my bed during his morning coming in for a cuddle or is in my room in general I move him out. It is a lot easier with a 4 year old I know!

I just wonder how you are dealing with it at the moment. What do you did you do when he smiled and then punched you? What did you say? Does he understand this is unacceptable or is it impossible to get this through to him. I know behaviour is, to a large extent, communication but you really need to preserve yourself so you can help him work through the issues he needs to deal with.

Personally, my advice, aside from the excellent advice on here so far, would be that I would go through the GP for mental health help for child, Autism etc (try afresh if you have tried before. Ask specifically because he s violent and you are in danger, and see what if any support is there for him and also for you.

I'd try and ask for information and support from any good adoption charity that you can find. E.G. Any local ones, PACT - Parents and Children Together, AUK - Adoption UK, BAAF - British Association of Adoption and Fostering) as well as any charities that deal with the issues connected to your child. I did think at one time one of my relatives might have autism and I looked at a lot of websites. I actually found some of the American (USA) ones more helpful, they had so much information and although those will not come and visit you to your house etc they may have strategies that help that you can bring into your home and make relevant for you and your child.

For example this one site looks interesting and may be relevant for your child as adopted children do sometimes present as younger than their years...

www.kidpower.org/library/article/7-strategies-for-managing-aggressive-behavior-in-young-children/

I would go back and ask SS/the local authority for help.

See if any of the local authority/SS can recommend or refer to a special psychiatric service or a counselling service or Family Futures, which is a counselling organisation. Maybe someone else knows their details.

I would be very tenacious asking them what they will do. I would record every email and call that you make asking for help and what if any response you get. I would let all bodies know that this is what you are doing and that you have asked 10 times and got nowhere and then if the shit hits the fan (use nice words) in a big sense, you will make it known to the correct authorities how many times you have asked for help and been denied it. In a nice way, not trying to put their backs up just being honest, if I end up in the hospital I will have to tell them how many time i asked social services for help!

I 100% agree with wanttosinglikemarycoughlan about going to the MP. If the calls or letters fail to get a response, as it sounds like they have, I would approach my local MP in person and ask them to get behind my requests for help. The government has been very pro-adoption and I would just kick up a stink that support is not there. MPs sometimes have surgeries where they meet their local people, I would email or write and say you will attend one such surgery or or simply attend and explain you have already written and not received a reply. Ask for a face to face meeting.

adoptakid this is going to sound cruel but in your position I would explain very clearly I was disabled. This should impact on your situation in that you do need extra protection, not sympathy but care, to get the right outcome. (Please do not be offended by my comment)

I know your child is calmer as home schooled but it means you are the one who has to deal with everything. Personally I would want to make contact with a special needs school with some sort of outreach to the community if you can. My dd has dyslexia and the local fee paying dyslexia school has outreach to local state schools (sadly not to dd's one but I visited the school and asked if there was any help they can offer and I am hopefully putting my child's school on their radar by doing that). Could you link up with home schooling networks and with a special school for some extra help to educate them about the dangers to you and to your child of this behaviour/mechanism to help your child process anger etc?

As others have said, even though your child was adopted overseas they are now a British citizen and so are you, if you are being refused help because your child was adopted overseas this sounds a bit like racism and I would not be afraid to make the point in a nice way that you will be seeking further advice as you feel you are being discriminated against!

If you feel that your adoption may break down, or worse still you may end up in hospital and unable to care for your child, I would say this. Your local social services, who are unwilling to help you care for your child, might end up having to find temporary or permanent foster care (worse case scenario) for your child if they fail to provide you with adequate care now. I would really paint the picture for them because it sounds like they have not yet joined the dots!

Please do tell us what happens. I am sitting here hopping mad for your situation!

If any experienced adopters feel what I have suggested is unhelpful or, even worse, damaging, please do say as I am only saying what I would try but I have not been in this position.

This may have been said as I haven't read all the posts in detail

I know Martin Narey has supported some adopters and pushed for support for them so it may be worth emailing him

On a practical level I had internal locks put on so I can isolate where DD can go.
I have a lock on my bedroom door so I can go in there and I have made a spare bedroom into a relaxation type room with very little in it
i would never, of course, lock her in anywhere but I can isolate and contain where she can go when she kicks off and I can remove myself from the situation if I feel I am losing the plot

Italian not offended at all, thanks for your cxoncern, and all of you the same.
Want I wish I had somewhere DC could go, a quiet 'soft' area but we are ina noisy neighbourhood, that doesn't help but council don't help with that either.
and yy to if I end up in hoz whos going to look after DC?

had to call police today as DC gave me a black eye. with a meltdown, DCs not mad at me per se, just the frustrations that go along with a medical condition.
police were very good but even they said SS are useless and always try and pass the buck and don't want to know.

Thing is, none of us do this for a medal or a knighthood or pride of Britain award, we all do it cos we love the child and want to give them a decent life full of love, nurturing and belonging.

None of us (I believe) want credit, but a little encouragement and support and help would go a long way wouldn't it?

and adopted kids more than 'blood' kids need just that little bit MORE after the rejection they've felt from people that were (as DCs said) 'supposed to love them but they didnt'.

and no matter how much WE love them they'll always have that 'I wasn't good enough before' thing at the back of their mind (I have a friend who found out she was adopted, her family were wonderful but she says she always feels this).

and evn more so for an abused disabled child who struggles more than enough as it is.

have to log off again so ill catch up again soon.
thank you all again

If you're on facebook - have you looked at this group. Predominantly American but covers some of teh issues you're facing.

www.facebook.com/beyondtraumaandattachment?fref=pb&hc_location=profile_browser

How are things going Adoptakid?