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Yet another matching question for Adopters

40 replies

ChoccyJules · 15/10/2014 14:17

Would people mind answering a quick question about matching. There seem to be two schools of thought out there waves at internet adoption land and if I'm honest I suppose I am trying to find out if both are true.

When you saw your LO's profile did you get the 'this is the one' feeling?

If not, how did you decide to proceed with the match? (OK that's two questions)

Thank you and I do apologise for going over old ground, if that's what it feels like.

OP posts:
silverlinings79 · 15/10/2014 14:47

Different for everyone I suppose. When we looked at profiles it wasn't so much what felt right, it was what felt wrong. We kind of just knew who was definitely not a match. Then when we had more info on the matches that didn't not feel right, then the right match was the one that gave us no doubts. We looked at profiles where we really really liked the child but were awake at night stressing or going over and over the negative side of things but the right match for us was the one where we didn't seem to care about the issues, some of which we said before we would rule out children for. Did it feel right? perfect? the one? Not really, but did it feel different to the others?....absolutely! It's a bit of a gamble, it truly is and while we are only a few weeks into placement ours is the perfect match for us.
I would say the absence of nothing telling you it's wrong may very well make it right. SW's opinions for us were also very helpful.

I found matching the absolutely worst part of process, having to say no to profiles, weigh things up where a little life is concerned, being compared to other adopters, all the is the most horrible thing to do.

Hope that actually makes sense. And this was just for us, everyone is different and I suppose some matches may have something special for certain adopters that makes them 'the one' early on?!?! I don't know. Hope in conjunction with other responses, that helps answer your question.

mrsballack · 15/10/2014 14:54

With us it was a case of them not being wrong, rather than them being 'right'. There was nothing in their CPR which raised alarm bells. Our sw was sure they were a good match, and it turns out they were. We didn't get any real 'these are our children' feelings until we were sent photos of them (we were shown their report before the placement was granted so it was all anonymous). Then I took one look at the photos, burst into tears and that was that. They were my children.

CloserThanYesterday · 15/10/2014 15:53

Hi Choccy

Just chipping in as we're both at the same stage and I know we're both finding it hard!

We have only seen a few profiles and now have a tentative link with one of the children - it's literally come about this last week. We agonised over it, because while there was nothing that seemed wrong, we were lacking the 'Yes! This is it!' thunderbolt moment we thought we'd have. It was solely because the little one is slightly older than we originally thought, but in all other respects she's as perfect as can be for us. For us, the clincher was seeing a DVD. We fell in love, and suddenly worrying about a few months of missed words or first steps seemed ridiculous.

Literally, in a few days we've gone from worrying about making the wrong decision, to desperately hoping nothing goes wrong with the link!

We wondered if we felt unsure to start with because we were holding a bit of ourselves back. As soon as we met with SWs and started discussing the link properly, we felt so differently. Almost as though it was safe to let ourselves actually feel something! Maybe it's the same for you?

It's so hard, I'm really feeling for you. I'm sure there aren't many adopters who wouldn't admit to their decision being a leap of faith in the end.

For what it's worth, I think you're amazing for not allowing yourself to feel pressured into saying yes.

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2014 16:38

Really agree with silverlinings and mrsballack I did not feel worried about any 'issues' even though there was at least one thing on his short profile which I had really said no to during preparatoin! Ironically, when we read the full CPR report I felt the thing I could have been concerned about was actually not a concern in our son as it did not appear to affect him!

I had not seen his photo and it was not until I did that I really felt the tug of my heart strings but I did feel in a way it was helpful not to see the photo, just to deal in facts.

Actually, it was very helpful to have dh as we felt we really needed to agree. There were a couple of kids he felt were fine for us and I did not, and at least one very young child with potentially lots of problems who I felt very positive about but he did not. There were only two children we both felt were right, and one ended up being our son.

Good luck {grin] chocy

Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2014 16:41
Kewcumber · 15/10/2014 16:50

did you get the 'this is the one' feeling? nope

If not, how did you decide to proceed with the match? I couldn't think of a concrete reason why not to once I'd talked through the medical issues with an informed doctor!

To be honest I made the decision with my head not my heart. Luckily heart followed eventually!

2old2beamum · 15/10/2014 17:41

In a word yes. I saw his picture and profile in an adoption flier and was besotted! Ten years down the road no regrets!!

Upsydaisymustdie · 15/10/2014 18:02

From the photo - no. (Turned out to be a terrible picture!)
From the CPR - my feelings said "maybe" and my head said "no reason why not".
It was the first profile I was shown, shortly before my own approval panel. Once I was approved, I found out more, and with no red flags, decided to go ahead.
She is, of course, utterly perfect Grin

Devora · 15/10/2014 19:30

Did I get the this-is-the-one, love-at-first-sight, I-know-this-is-my-child feeling? No. Not at first night, not a second sight, not for quite a lot of sights after...

Mind, I didn't with my birth child either. Or with anybody I have ever loved. I just don't seem to be built that way (no romance in my wizened soul).

I thought there was nothing in particular to scare me off this child, so I said yes.

My dp, on the other hand, describes instant feelings of love and recognition with both children. I suspect this has more to do with the adult's personality than with the match.

Devora · 15/10/2014 19:31

I should add that they turned out to be the most magical children in the world, so I'm not fussed that my instincts weren't humming.

dreamcometrue · 15/10/2014 19:48

Hey choccy, ours was the only profile we saw. I think the main thing for us wasn't so much why but why not? He fitted what we wanted we fitted what he wanted. That was our initial view. Then the more we read the more we felt there was something there. Not love but a reason. Every time we met someone about him (swrker, medicalaadvisor, f.carer we felt more of an attachment.
Wishing you lots of luck.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 15/10/2014 19:52

Our DD's profile was the only one we read. I didn't get an instant 'This is the one', but on the other hand, there were reasons for us to say no, and yet we were both keen.

I felt protective from reading the profile, but the love came with the first photo.

DD is so wonderful. I'm thankful every day that we were the lucky chosen ones.

prumarth · 15/10/2014 20:35

We had 2 near identical profiles (only different genders) - but key backgrounds the same. We pretty much went with the one that seemed to have one or two more similarities with our lives just because we felt it would give us an advantage as both were "in demand" babies. We also chose, as others have said, on no major reason not to progress. There was no major thunderbolt moment till after we were officially linked at which point we rewrote history and decided it was fate, that we knew straight away Tec and now I can't imagine a more perfect child for us. Good luck!

TheFamilyJammies · 15/10/2014 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

64x32x24 · 15/10/2014 23:40

The first bit of info we got about DD was a 2 minute phone call followed by a three line e-mail. It included the point that DD was to move to ours 'in a few days' on a foster-to-adopt basis.

DP and I both literally had wobbly knees when we (individually) got that phone call. Had to sit down. On the muddy ground in my case.

There was precious little info to go on, but there was definitely a 'why not' thing, so we got ready for a little one to move in shortly. Getting ready involves not only practical stuff but also getting into the right mental state. And that mental state meant that we then started thinking of DD as 'ours'.

So yes we did in a way feel an instant 'this is it' thing, but not really based on anything, not a photo, not any info. Just wobbly knees. But I suppose that was more about the prospect of having a 'generic' new little human being moving in in the very near future, rather than a feeling about this particular human being.

Things then didn't quite turn out as expected, the 'few days' morphed into 77 loooong days. In which it felt, at times, as if 'our daughter' was being kept from us.

When we first saw a photo, about half-way through those 11 weeks, it was weird. At first it was anticlimactic. I was very nervous and was expecting huge emotions to come with seeing the picture, but what I saw was just 'a photo of a baby'. Nothing special, just your average baby, unsmiling, cute as babies are but not particularly cute or beautiful, no heart-string-pulling.

But then I was shown the picture again, and I saw my daughter. And she was beautiful. Obviously.

I think that this feeling of a child being 'right', and accordingly starting to think of this child as 'yours', leaves you incredibly emotionally vulnerable. I don't necessarily think it is desirable, at the stage where nothing except this emotion links you to the child, and so much can still go wrong. I couldn't even say it provided me with much certainty that we were making the right decision. For many long weeks I was secretly terrified that something objective and rational would turn up that would mean we'd have to say no to this match. That would have devastated me - I can't put into words how terrible that would have been.
But I do know people who this did happen to.
I think that making the decisions on a cool, rational level, and then making that emotional leap of faith and allowing the emotions to grow along with the growing certainty that this will actually happen, is a far less risky way of doing things.

ChoccyJules · 16/10/2014 12:04

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences, it is so helpful.

Briefly we have seen information about half a dozen children from the LA since being approved six months ago. Only once did I feel a 'that's the one' moment, hour, days....DH disagreed and that child has hopefully been placed with their family now. SWs are becoming quite pressurising and I am therefore wondering if waiting for the feeling to come again is impractical.

OP posts:
ChoccyJules · 16/10/2014 12:05

Closer I am so excited for you!

OP posts:
ChoccyJules · 16/10/2014 12:08

You have all given me so much to mull over, thanks again :-)

OP posts:
GirlsWhoWearGlasses · 16/10/2014 19:49

Are they pressuring you to change your parameters choccy, or have the profiles you've read all been within the age/gender/additional needs you feel you could parent?

At the end of the day, it's all very well for SW, but this is the rest of your life you're talking about. You have to feel comfortable with the match.

ChoccyJules · 16/10/2014 21:44

The pressure is where they feel they have shown us ideal matches but we haven't felt the same. For different reasons each time.
I think they are having a hard time pinning us down to our criteria, but that's because we don't want hard and fast parameters.
What people say about photos is interesting and I note split down the middle. I am currently worried about the lack of vibes I am getting from a photo...

OP posts:
Threesocksnohairbrush · 16/10/2014 21:51

One of each? Does that help? :)

DC1 very instant. DC2 much more a 'not wrong' approach, for me - DH more instant again.

Love the pair of them to absolute distraction now.

I would be hesitant about expecting vibes from a photo. DC1 was the most adorable photo, dC2 frankly looked a bit peculiar (she is a stunning little girl these days or perhaps my perceptions have changed :) ) so much depends on the photo, the angle, the context ...

Upsydaisymustdie · 16/10/2014 22:06

It is SO hard, so try not to beat yourself up here! I didn't admit to anyone at the time(or ever, in RL) quite how little a response I had to the first photo. It scared me that I didn't feel a connection to the picture, but the CPR felt more "real" to me and was easier to get my head round than a single image.

I literally can't take my eyes off her sometimes now - she is so wonderful, I want to look and look at her to try and take her in.

I did find it hugely helpful that my SW knew me well, and was able to explain thoroughly and in detail exactly why she thought this was a good match. It really helped direct my thinking - it didn't make the decision for me, but it made the decision process clearer. Where your SW felt a profile was "ideal", maybe it would help to think about why that wasn't the case: had they misunderstood or not listened to you, did the profile throw up an issue that just hadn't been covered before, or was the profile just wildly off what you were thinking of...?

This is incredibly tough, and such a personal decision Flowers

Kewcumber · 16/10/2014 23:15

If it helps (not at all!) I didn't have a photo of DS - it works differntly in Kazakhstan, you have to meet the child before you are allowed to make a decision on a referal. It didn't help one bit!

DS was incredibly cute but no instant bond still.

Mind you, I was so desperate by the time I got there I think I would have taken a puppy if they'd offered me one by that point so I probably wasn't in a very sane place by then...

TheFamilyJammies · 17/10/2014 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lillyludge · 17/10/2014 09:58

Hi would your SW respond if you asked to see a video clip of a child?

Initially I saw photos of the child I was eventually matched with, but I didn't have particular strong feelings about her at that point (other the she was cute!). I asked to see a video clip and that was what made the difference. It turns out that she is a very lively, talkative and smiley child....and none of that came across in the photos.

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