Hands off! Nice way to say it, anyone???

[Upsydaisymustdie]

OK, I am looking for someone to give me a good way to handle this one, as I am at risk of being very rude. Alternatively, you could just tell me it's OK to be rude, I would quite like that too

I am just at the beginning of introducing DD (3) very gradually and carefully to people outside the immediate family. This is after about 4 months. So we are now going to church, and seeing more of my close friends. DD is taking it all in her stride, and instinctively coming to be held by me if she's unsure at all. Close friends are briefed by me ahead of time, to be fairly restrained and not crowd DD etc. That's all gone really well.

However, church is a problem. We get ambushed by swarms of terribly well-intentioned people, and they keep touching her - rubbing her hair and face, picking her up without asking, that sort of thing. I have been doing loads of work with her explaining that we only hug family and people we know really well, and even then it's still her choice. This random touching by people who I often don't even know the names of is really, really ticking me off. I have to bite down not to smack their hands away. If they actually pick her up, I do just take her back into my arms and say we have to go, but I wish I could think of something effective and fairly polite to say to stop them doing it.

Any thoughts? For those who may think I'm being over-protective, you could be partially right, but I particularly don't want her to feel she has to be affectionate to strangers, or to please strangers.

If you had a new born infant, would you allow other people to take baby out of the pram and hold and cuddle them? I certainly wouldn't. Sometimes I think people forget that when adopted children first come into families, it is like they have just been born. I also think it so so important to funnel, because fundamentally your relationship has to come first. Therefore, if that means being direct about it then so be it. I think the idea of talking to the vicar is good or writing something into a newsletter. You could use it as an opportunity to educate people about attachment and funnelling (and why it is so important). However, some people will not take this on board. I was told how confident DD was because she sat on my friends lap (virtual stranger) and was told that I was being neurotic by family members 'as all children do that'. To help ease those awkward moments, I would carry your LO or use a pushchair so that people will be less inclined to hold etc.

Hope it went well also today

Dibly be very careful using a sling then! The last thing you want to do is any long term damage to yourself!

LastingLight - sorry I don't 'know' you, so it wasn't obvious and the OP posted after me.

I hope everyone's enjoying their day today, it's sunny here so I'm going out to absorb some vitD :) and coffee

Someone wiser than me (probably someone on here) suggested teaching a young child to shake hands. You can communicate it to strangers/ acquaintances gently by saying to your child (loudly enough for the stranger to hear) "Here's Mary from church. Let's shake her hand to say hello like we've been practising". The message is for the adult as much as the child.

It's helped a bit with my son who tends to be over-familiar with strangers and it gently draws a boundary for the acquaintance. May not work every time of course!

How was today Upsydaisymustdie? Hope it was better.

We are 5 months in with our son, who joined us aged 3 (4 now). However we changed church a few months ago so things at church are quite new. Our ds never really went to our old church, we went to the Sunday School with him a couple of times and turned up at the end for coffee to see people but that was all. There were so few kids it really did not feel like the right place for him. Our new church has lots of kids and toys actually in the church so whenever we go there he feels very at home.

I certainly feel you are not over reacting and for all the reasons others have posted. We had a chance to speak to our old (very small, 50 people or so) church about what to expect before ds arrived. But about 2 months ago we changed church because our children birth dd (aged 10) and ds aged 4) would have been the only kids in Sunday School when it started back in the autumn. So we felt we should move to a church with more kids.

Our new one is not huge, maybe 100/120 plus, but has lots of kids. In our new church only a relatively small number of people know ds is adopted. We don't talk about it at church now and I would not expect people to touch him or pick him up etc anyway.

People can guess he is quite clingy though as one of us joins him in Sunday School (I don't tell him this is clingy, I just think it is!) and in group activities he almost always sits on my lap! My dd who is not adopted would probably have been exactly when we moved church when she was his age.

If you need to use phrases I (IMHO) would use positive ones. So rather than saying she is shy etc I would say "She will feel much more comfortable if she is given space (or say not crowded if necessary), she will feel happier is she can explore without people stopping and talking to her (or not picking her up if you need to make it clear). That way if she hears your comments she will not think you are calling her shy or clingy etc.

Good luck, and trust your instincts.

From a non-adopters' perspective, I'd say, definitely get a message out there. I was completely ignorant about attachment and that sort of thing before reading alot on here (& I spend alot of time reading about adoption on here!).

I would never have thought that hugging and affection from wider social circles (basically strangers to the child!) would have an effect on family bonding, and therefore security etc. And I definitely had no idea that some children can feel much more comfortable showing affection to people who aren't their main care takers, and that this can be a negative.

Knowing what I know now, I'd be very careful and respectful when interacting with a newly adopted child, and take cues from the parents and family - but I may have messed it up before!

I wonder if asking the vicar to say 'please don't overwhelm with physical affection for the first few months as it can interfere with the bonding process, which is the last thing anyone in the church community would want to do' ?

Also he could say 'and lets all take our cues from her parents (you :) as they are the experts in what DD needs in different situations, let's all do our best to support them in this wonderful, precious and tricky time'

I think communicating the idea of a bonding process is useful as it gives a reason why and may head off well meaning blunderers from assuming its you being overprotective/ not relaxed etc. People do make assumptions especially if they regard themselves as having more experience than yourselves, so heading off at the pass would be helpful!

Good luck, hope you work it out.

Thanks all - the vicar has done a very nice message about asking people to help us bond as a family by giving LO space physically. I also really like the idea of teaching her to shake hands; that's a nice way to help her feel confident and in control.

Hi op, this situation reminds me of one i had as a child growing up. I wasn't adopted but I did have a chaotic childhood and was insecurely attached to my mother. Half of my relatives are from a small Mediterranean village, and each year we visited from birth I would get passed around strangers, grabbed and pinched cheeks, hugs and kisses and all sorts. It was totally overwhelming and uncomfortable, but obviously I never said.

Guess what I'm saying is even for a not adopted child this behaviour is overbearing, so your instinct to protect her from it is sensible .

Good luck, you sound like a very thoughtful and caring mother