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Adoption

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Original poster

Hands off! Nice way to say it, anyone???

59 replies

Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 19:34

OK, I am looking for someone to give me a good way to handle this one, as I am at risk of being very rude. Alternatively, you could just tell me it's OK to be rude, I would quite like that too

I am just at the beginning of introducing DD (3) very gradually and carefully to people outside the immediate family. This is after about 4 months. So we are now going to church, and seeing more of my close friends. DD is taking it all in her stride, and instinctively coming to be held by me if she's unsure at all. Close friends are briefed by me ahead of time, to be fairly restrained and not crowd DD etc. That's all gone really well.

However, church is a problem. We get ambushed by swarms of terribly well-intentioned people, and they keep touching her - rubbing her hair and face, picking her up without asking, that sort of thing. I have been doing loads of work with her explaining that we only hug family and people we know really well, and even then it's still her choice. This random touching by people who I often don't even know the names of is really, really ticking me off. I have to bite down not to smack their hands away. If they actually pick her up, I do just take her back into my arms and say we have to go, but I wish I could think of something effective and fairly polite to say to stop them doing it.

Any thoughts? For those who may think I'm being over-protective, you could be partially right, but I particularly don't want her to feel she has to be affectionate to strangers, or to please strangers.

OP posts:

hollie84 · 04/10/2014 20:18

I don't know if it is that instinctive to start stroking and picking up a 3 year old you have only just met to be honest! I wouldn't try to pick up any child I didn't know well.

ajandjjmum · 04/10/2014 20:18

Lots of great mind Upsydaisy!

Lilka · 04/10/2014 20:23

chipping having a still new member of the family, a 3 year old who has been through trauma and having to change parents, is just not the same as having a birth child going to a new church. Hugging and crowding are generally not percieved by the child in the same way, and it's conterproductive to her attachments to encourage lots of close physical contact with strangers. A newly adopted child who will go to anyone for snuggles (as opposed to tolerating it etc) is also exhibiting worrying behaviour with regards to their attachments.

Also, I totally fail to see how you are teaching her to be afraid of the world. It's not fear if you don't hug strangers, it's normality. It's also about helping her attachment to you.

I suggest either firmly saying not to touch her or crowd her, or preventing them doing so by picking her up yourself and keeping her close. As someone else said, this will pass once the novelty of the new child in church fades.

Lilka · 04/10/2014 20:25

Oh and yes, asking the vicar/priest to make a welcome to the church family announcement with a 'please give her space' note would be nice.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 04/10/2014 20:29

Our small church congregation (and whole village) are awful gossips.

The please don't touch, crowd or pick up DD message would get round very quickly, trouble is they'd also, totally inappropriately, speculate as to why you were so bothered.

Given the way people crowd in our church aisle and small coffee area and the fact that coffee and the pews are up a step from the aisle means adults often loom over DCs before they start trying to be nice.

Honestly I think either you don't go to church or you make a quick get away. Before everyone starts congregating in the aisle.

Original poster

Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:29

Thanks Lilka - wise as ever. Will have a word with the vicar, and be more confident about speaking up myself too, for all those good attachment-related reasons (as well as my twitching instincts).

OP posts:

Lilka · 04/10/2014 20:38

Trust your instincts! You're her mum, and your mum instincts are telling you what is best for her. Listen to them :) You don't need to compare yourself to other families, or worry about what people at church will say.

Your child will be comfortable in a world which she is comfortable herself in, if that makes sense. Children with attachment issues (to whatever degree) often feel unsafe in their world, because it's been so changeable and full of confusing messages and experiences. But keeping up with the funnelling and keeping a calm and non-crowded environment, and you're helping her see the world as less changeable and confusing in the long run. That's not going to make her afraid of it.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 20:55

Lilka & Hollie please don't make assumptions about other people's lives. I happen to know quite a lot about adopted children thanks :)

upsy replied :) x

... and as I said Those that matter wont mind and those that mind don't matter :)

hollie84 · 04/10/2014 20:57

Sorry Chipping, did not realise you had adopted children. Your advice is is maybe quite unusual for newly placed children though.

hollie84 · 04/10/2014 20:58

I should add, I do not have adopted children but have some knowledge through work and specific attachment training.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 21:02

I do not have an adopted child but like you have done a lot of work with adopted children and have adopted children in my family/friends.

It's not unusual at all for contact to be child led.

Lilka · 04/10/2014 21:04

Sorry Chipping, I assumed you weren't an adoptive parent because of what you said, but I shouldn't have

Even so, my personal opinion is still that it's very counterproductive to allow crowding and lots of hugging and touching, exceptional circumstances aside

Lilka · 04/10/2014 21:06

x-post, oops, sorry

hollie84 · 04/10/2014 21:09

Hmm... I've generally only seen indiscriminate affection/physical contact discouraged when children are trying to form attachments to a new family. I'm not sure that I agree that a very young child accepting touches/hugs from adult strangers is child led either.

Lilka · 04/10/2014 21:12

Let's everybody agree to disagree, it's so much easier

upsy I hope that whatever you decide to do is respected by everyone :)

Original poster

Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 21:25

Thank you lots and lots to ALL who replied. There's a lot to consider, and it's an individual decision but it has been helpful to see all the perspectives. Of course I wasn't sharing a huge amount of context, as it's a completely public forum, so every situation will differ.

OP posts:

dibly · 04/10/2014 21:57

Thanks for posting this one, having the same problem with friends and extended networks trying to pick up my 1 yr old whose been with me for 3 months. Not introducing her widely yet, due to some attachment concerns,but general trips to the supermarket etc mean wider contact is unavoidable.

Think I read on adoption uk that they have an advice sheet for friends and family, so tempted to get that to show that I'm not just being overprotective, that it's a recognised fact that newly placed children need to recognise first who their parents are before having contact with others. Easier said than done though and I'm being borderline rude at the mo. Topped of by my friend who works in children's services saying last week, "have you started to relax with it all yet?" No. Words.

It's such a minefield as you know people mean well, but it's such an intense time when the children are new to you and you can sense their confusion.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 22:04

Where's the sturdy boots icon when you need it

Good luck if you are off to church tomorrow

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 22:07

have you started to relax with it all yet?

... and she works in children's services??

Did you manage not to clobber her?? Daft mare.

Have you tried keeping your LO in a sling Dibly?

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 22:08

Not all the time obviously

dibly · 04/10/2014 22:53

Ha, it was during a phone call, but my teeth may have been tightly clenched! Going to a sling meet next week, had a whiplash injury last year so it's not ideal, but willing to try anything.

CaptainMorgansMistress · 05/10/2014 00:02

Upsy you might find a sling a useful short-term solution too?

Something like an ergo and pop DD on your back. I carried my (elephantine) DD in it happily until she was 4.5 and she particularly liked it for situations when she could get crowded by other people.

When I'd take her to church, she'd sit in the sling when we arrived, then sit / stand on the pew and straight back into the sling for coffee and chit chat.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2014 02:54

Could you possibly slip out ahead of the crowd at the end of services and not stay for the after-service socializing?

Or perhaps a quiet 'I know you mean to be welcoming, but DD is a bit overwhelmed by her new life with us so we're asking people to give her a little space for awhile' with a smile as you gently place yourself between DD and the person approaching her.

LastingLight · 05/10/2014 07:37

ChippingInLatteLover I was joking. The op got that.

FamiliesShareGerms · 05/10/2014 07:49

Gosh it's difficult balancing what you think is right for your child and not wanting to appear odd or rude to the wider world, isn't it?

I'd agree with the pp who suggested saying that DD needs a little space still - almost on auto repeat accompanied by a big And tell DD that she can stay by you the whole time and it's ok to say "please put me down" or not want to give someone a cuddle

I think a welcome message from the vicar sounds better than a "hands off DD " notice in the newsletter

Hope church today goes well

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