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Original poster

Hands off! Nice way to say it, anyone???

59 replies

Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 19:34

OK, I am looking for someone to give me a good way to handle this one, as I am at risk of being very rude. Alternatively, you could just tell me it's OK to be rude, I would quite like that too Grin

I am just at the beginning of introducing DD (3) very gradually and carefully to people outside the immediate family. This is after about 4 months. So we are now going to church, and seeing more of my close friends. DD is taking it all in her stride, and instinctively coming to be held by me if she's unsure at all. Close friends are briefed by me ahead of time, to be fairly restrained and not crowd DD etc. That's all gone really well.

However, church is a problem. We get ambushed by swarms of terribly well-intentioned people, and they keep touching her - rubbing her hair and face, picking her up without asking, that sort of thing. I have been doing loads of work with her explaining that we only hug family and people we know really well, and even then it's still her choice. This random touching by people who I often don't even know the names of is really, really ticking me off. I have to bite down not to smack their hands away. If they actually pick her up, I do just take her back into my arms and say we have to go, but I wish I could think of something effective and fairly polite to say to stop them doing it.

Any thoughts? For those who may think I'm being over-protective, you could be partially right, but I particularly don't want her to feel she has to be affectionate to strangers, or to please strangers.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 19:40

Upsy How does DD feel? Not knowing her background it's hard to know whether you are being over-protective or not, but if she wasn't newly adopted I would say that you are if DD is OK with the attention. I don't think it's necessary to teach children not to be affectionate with people. When she's likely to be out of your care you can teach her about the 'bits your pants cover' rule if you think it's necessary. But she's with you, she knows you are there if she wants to be removed from the situation so I'd let her and them be - don't teach her to be fearful of the world would be my advice.

pictish · 04/10/2014 19:40

Argh it's hard because they don't mean any harm. I think it would be awful to be rude.

I have a similar problem in that my dd (5) is very shy, and cringes miserably at being approached and/or touched or lifted by people she doesn't know well.

I don't want to say "please don't, she's shy" because a) I don't want to label her for her own sake, and b) I don't want to be rude because they're only being nice. Also c) for the reasons you say too.

Will watch thread with interest.

Pico2 · 04/10/2014 19:42

I haven't got any good suggestions, but I think it is worth saying that you aren't being overprotective at all. It isn't normal to touch a 3 yo you don't know, or one you vaguely know. Adopted or not. And the message you are giving her is relevant to every child (though you may have stronger reasons to give it than others).

pictish · 04/10/2014 19:42

I agree with chipping too - if your dd is ok with the contact, then I don't see a problem. There's nothing wrong with being tactile. It only becomes a problem is someone persists after a no thank you.

pictish · 04/10/2014 19:44

if not is

Thehedgehogsong · 04/10/2014 19:49

I think I would just be rude if they can't get the hint when you take her away.
I really don't like children being treated like they have less rights just because they're smaller and younger. I wouldn't like to be picked up or stroked by strangers.
Ask them to stop, and remove your dd if you want to!

odyssey2001 · 04/10/2014 19:55

Surely this is a novelty thing and it will wear off. They will get bored of fawning and move on. Until then, keep her on your hip on your way in and out, and don't let her go. Also minimise the amount of time you are hanging around. I guess what I am saying is manage the situation, not the people.

LastingLight · 04/10/2014 19:56

I don't think you're being overprotective at all. How about "Please don't touch her / pick her up, she is a bit shy" or "Sorry but she doesn't like to be touched."

Do you have a church newsletter of some sort? Would it be possible to put a request in there that people shouldn't touch her or pick her up.

If all else fails: "Don't touch! She has got a highly contagious illness!"

Maiyakat · 04/10/2014 19:58

Is there any way you could say something from the front of church when she's not there? Then you're not having to challenge people directly or offend them personally. It's so hard getting the balance right of people not overcrowding and people being so worried about overcrowding that they're scared to speak to you!

Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:00

She's pretty newly placed, and she's confused about whether she "should" be OK with the contact or not, so her response is understandably erratic. I don't want her to have to think about it yet quite frankly, which would be a lot easier if the touch wasn't happening.

However, I absolutely take on board that I don't want to "teach her to be fearful of the world". That's a good summary of the main reason that so far I have smiled sweetly and extracted us from the situation, rather than confronting it. I think perhaps I need to gently remove their hand and smile, without saying anything. Perhaps it would be enough to show DD it's her choice, without having to make an issue of it to either her or others?

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 04/10/2014 20:00

Is it a small or large church? Could you try and get a message out on the church 'grapevine ' as to how you best think she should be welcomed by people. It sounds like everyone is just overexcited and over enthusiastic and don't really know what they should or should not do. In the circumstances though I would think it totally appropriate to say politely that you think she needs a bit more time and space to get to know people and suggest they don't crowd her quite so much.

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 20:00

DD is taking it all in her stride, and instinctively coming to be held by me if she's unsure at all

No one is treating her like she has less rights - they are simply being affectionate.

LastingLight are you serious? For crying out loud that's some disturbed thinking.

Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:03

Whoops, just seen the latest posts - thank you for those. I was wondering about the church newsletter/having a quick word generally rather than an awkward encounter with individuals. I'll give it some more thought, definitely.

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 20:03

upsy she's confused about whether she "should" be OK with the contact or not why is she confused? Is it because she would naturally be fine with it but you have told her she should only hug family and a few trusted friends or it is because she isn't fine with it but feels she has to put up with it?

Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:04

Lastinglight your "contagious illness" made me laugh Grin Thank you for taking the heat out of the situation. Flowers

OP posts:
hollie84 · 04/10/2014 20:05

I think some posters are replying from the perspective of what would be normal for a birth child who has not experienced trauma and who has a secure attachment to their parents. This advice may not be at all relevant to a newly adopted 3 year old, however well meant.

I would try to keep hold of her hand or very close to her to head off anyone trying to pick her up, and just politely say "please don't touch her" to anyone who tries/does touch her. You don't owe them an explanation.

Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:06

Chipping have PM-ed you.

OP posts:
5madthings · 04/10/2014 20:08

The newsletter or if the church doesn't an email may be a good way to politely get word out?

5madthings · 04/10/2014 20:08

If the church does an email. Not doesn't sorry.

Littlef00t · 04/10/2014 20:08

Right, I don't know what sort of church you go to, but do you have home groups? At our church we would share issues like this sensitively within the groups. So you would only have to tell someone in leadership and it would be filtered down.

ajandjjmum · 04/10/2014 20:10

Could your priest/vicar whoever welcome her formally into the Church, and say with all the new things around her, we really need to let her become familiar with the Church family before crowding her?

Just thinking DD would hopefully see this as a welcome, whereas others would see the hidden message.

Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:10

Hollie - bless you for being much clearer than my head could manage! I think I may ask the vicar to do the job of getting the word out for me, and then if I have to say anything it will be a gentle reminder as it arises, rather than confronting anyone cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upsydaisymustdie · 04/10/2014 20:11

Cross-posted with ajandjjmum - great minds!

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 04/10/2014 20:15

I do think having a more general word is needed, as you are asking everyone to act in a way that is not instinctive.

EdithWeston · 04/10/2014 20:17

Posting becuAse I have seen this in 'active' rather than because I feel qualified to comment in this topic.

But I did wonder if you might consider asking the vicar (or whoever does the general announcements) to make a welcome statement to mark your DD joining your family, and including a mention that she's still rather shy and to give her space whilst she settles?

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