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Just me and DS now

52 replies

Lilka · 30/09/2014 20:24

I told DD2 yesterday that she can't live with us for a while at least. I'm so tired and numb right now. Things have been bad for a few weeks, so I haven't been round here much. She's staying with her birth mum for now.

I wanted her to leave me after a proper transition to more independent living. I wanted her to leave like DD1 left. I wanted it so much. And I hoped this horrible last month would be a temporary blip. But no. She's gone, and what I have left of her last month here is fading and new bruises, memories of her shouting and swearing and being awful, a traumatised son, a damaged car and a horrible mess in her room.

The worst thing was the look of relief on DS face when I told him today that she can't come home for a while at least.

Had my mam round since yesterday helping me get things done, clean a bit and get DS to bed etc. I'm trying to get back on my feet for him. Today was really hard.

OP posts:
Lilka · 04/10/2014 15:01

DS is doing well though

He's definitely relaxing at home, we played a game together this morning and it was really nice. My house is so quiet now. Don't get me wrong, DS makes plenty of noise, but all his hyperactive 9 year old boy noise doesn't fill the silent space. I'm trying to focus on him as much as possible. He's such a joy you know. He really is. He also keeps making me cups of tea, and filling the Gerbils water and food bowls for me.

Having DD1, DSIL and the GD's round tomorrow, they haven't been round in the last month when DD2's been here, because it's not the right environment for the little ones :( I need to rebuild all this as well. First time I've seen DD1 since DD2 left, spoken to her though.

I made an appointment yesterday to see my GP on Monday. I'm going to ask to be referred for counselling or CBT or something. She already gave me medication but I think I need more. I need to talk about this. I'm not sleeping or eating properly still. It's just me and DS in the house but I'm still hyperalert here, I'm reacting to every noise thats slightly unusual or too loud. I keep waking up in the night, listening for noise from DD's room

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Maryz · 04/10/2014 21:58

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mineallmine · 04/10/2014 22:54

O Lilka, I've only just seen this, I'm so so sorry your family is going through this. I have no wise words to add to the wise words I've read on this thread. I just wanted to say I think you're a fantastic mother and an inspiration to many on these boards. This too shall pass and I wish you the strength to get through it until you get to better times again. (((Hugs)))

dibly · 04/10/2014 23:06

I'm so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, your love and compassion for your children always shines through; hope you get the help you need to talk to someone. X

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 23:15

Lilka Flowers < I'm a tad chunky so they're very squishy x I hope you have a nice day tomorrow.

Lilka · 04/10/2014 23:34

You aren't the only one chipping! :) Thank you all so much, it means so much that all of you have been so supportive Thanks I was afraid to post here for weeks because I was worried about getting critical replies. One day I lost my temper with her when she punched me and I hit her right back hard, and I would normally have come here but I started thinking 'but I'll get replies from people saying they would never do that and it will hurt too much'. I probably should have known better

GP tomorrow and getting my car back as well, then I can take DS to school again. He's told people his sister has had to leave, so I'm going to have to deal with playground mentions of it. Most people will be nice and just want to know if I'm okay, I'm sure, but I don't want to talk about it

My appetite is shot to bits, today I've been up since 6 and I've eaten a quarter portion of plain spaghetti, a banana and a small slice of cake. I had that banana in front of me for over two hours before i could force myself to take a bite.

Thank you all again, so much x

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Lilka · 04/10/2014 23:36

I've also left DD a voice message on whatsapp, thanks to the fantastic someone who suggested that. Need her to know I love her and I didn't mean what I said the last time I spoke to her, I was just in shock because of what had just happened (car accident). I hope she responds

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Maryz · 04/10/2014 23:41

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FamiliesShareGerms · 04/10/2014 23:43

Oh no, I've only just seen this

You poor things (all of you) ThanksThanksWineWine

Hope DD responds well to the voice message xx

ChippingInLatteLover · 04/10/2014 23:48

I probably should have known better

Yes. As the threads come up in 'active' you might have got one or two (or even quite a few!) 'I would never do that' & worse comments, but they can be ignored, you'd also have got a lot of support.

You have been through a lot with her and I've only caught bits & pieces of our posts!

I hope your GP can help you with stronger/different meds. Counselling?

It will be good to have your car back - all mended!

It's nice that people care and that you know they will just want to know you are OK. I think if you have a fairly stock answer such as 'Yes, she has for a bit, we all need a bit of space. DS & I are fine, we are both just trying not to think about it right now :)' most people will take the hint.

I hope your appetite returns, because while it might be nice to lose a lb or two, not eating wont help you cope/feel better. Maybe you'll manage a bit when you have everyone there tomorrow.

I am sure she knows how much you love her and that you were just shocked/angry/scared but it will be good for her to hear it, even if she doesn't reply.

mineallmine · 05/10/2014 00:11

If it makes you feel at/all better, I slapped my foster daughter hard on the face after she spat into my face during a row. I still feel ashamed that it happened but in that moment, it was all I could do. I don't think there's a person on this forum who doesn't have something the wish they'd had the energy to do better if they had the time again.

Hels20 · 05/10/2014 08:14

Lilka - nothing to add to the wise wisdom of the posters above (particularly MaryZ) but am just so sorry. The last time I read a post from you was about your holiday to France. How awful for you to have to go through. Can't imagine what it is like to have to ask one of your children to leave the house -but I know that this happens and we have to do what is best for all of us, however painful it is.

I hope you get some joy with your DD1 and DSIL and their children visiting.

Really thinking of you.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 05/10/2014 09:48

Lilka just wanted to add to what Hel said about asking one of your children to leave the house: I come from a big family and it would have been so much better and healthy for us all growing up if one particular (boy) had been told to move out. He was a real bully and we were all younger than him. We all moved out as soon as we could ie 16 or 17yrs old and he stayed on for years and years. You are doing the best thing for ds. Thanks

ghostisonthecanvas · 05/10/2014 11:23

Ach Lilka I've cried reading this. For you, for me, for others going through it but mostly for the children. I had to have my wonderful boy moved on. We all tried so hard. His violence and the fear of what he would do. Unspoken at the time, also the fear of what I could do. I had the 'transference" explained to me - his anger becoming mine. Didn't make managing him or myself any easier. My DS was wary about bringing his son over, we all were.
Its so hard, I would do it again tho. Never regretted the years we had with him. The regret about not being able to hold on to him will never go away but the voice of reason gets stronger. Now my grandchildren stay overnights, our other children are happier. They arrived to us originally directly because of an attachment disordered siblings actions. We are still dealing with their trauma.
We can't control the actions of others but we can support each other and thank goodness for that. Look after yourself x

Lilka · 05/10/2014 13:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 05/10/2014 14:59

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oldnewmummy · 05/10/2014 15:53

So sorry to hear this Lilka. I echo all the wise words above, particularly Maryz.

Lilka · 05/10/2014 15:56

I'm fine, don't worry, I just wrote a sentence in my post that I decided as soon as I hit the post button, was 'tmi' for a public board so I asked MN to delete it

Family are round now, and we're having a lovely time. I'm exhausted, really exhausted as I slept only 2 hours, but trying to be energetic for 2.5 year old DGD1 who just wants me to run around and play with her! They're staying for dinner. DS is having a super time too, he's kicking a ball around with DSIL right now.

Maybe when I see my GP tomorrow she can help me with my sleeping as well

ghost I'm so sorry you have also gone through this, I cried reading your post too Thanks x I also don't regret any of the years with DD either, not for a second. I wouldn't even have DS if not for DD.

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Lilka · 05/10/2014 22:01

DD2 texted me back half an hour ago. She said "ok. luv u 2 xxxx"
Crying a wee bit now. Or more than a wee bit

It was wonderful seeing the rest of the family today. Oldest GD is getting so big! DS also had a super time. Had a chance to talk to DD1 for a while (and have a cuddle with her too!). She made it her mission to try and feed me on the stash of chocolate and grain bars in her handbag. She coaxed me into 3 quarters of one bar, which wasn't nearly as much as she wanted me to eat, but was more than I thought I could manage

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ChippingInLatteLover · 05/10/2014 22:21

I'm glad DD2 texted you back and that it was a nice text :) but totally understand your tears :( It's so hard.

I'm pleased everyone else had a nice day, especially DS.

I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Any chance you could meet DD2 for lunch this week?

Devora · 05/10/2014 22:21

Oh, I'm so glad you got that message!

What an amazing family you have made, Lilka. How wonderful that today, at your lowest ebb, you had children and grandchildren surrounding you with love. YOU built that.

I can't add to the wise words of Maryz and others who have been there and lived this experience. You will know that it is my deepest fear that there is where we will end up in 10 years time. So I'm reading your posts with my heart in my mouth.

Good luck with the GP tomorrow.

evelynj · 05/10/2014 22:58

Lilka-glad you've had other family around & dd messaged back.

Good that you managed to eat something too. Already you seem to be getting stronger. Keep on keeping on & remember this isn't the end of the road. Everyone has had great advice. I'd agree with thinking of a standard response for the playground mums so you'll be less anxious beforehand. And make use of the people around you-use their strength & ask for help.

Hope you get some sleep tonight Flowers

Lilka · 08/10/2014 21:31

We've been ticking along, I'm taking every day as it comes. DS is starting to worry a wee bit about DD but he was a little reassured by her nice text. He wants to text her himself. I'm not sure whether to let him or tell him to give her more time. He'll be really upset if she ignores him see, and I hate to take the risk with his feelings. On the other hand, she's far more likely to respond to him than she is to me.

However, he's doing well. His teacher talked to me today because she's noticed a changge in him in the last couple of days. He's much less tired for a start (he was getting woken up in the middle of the night by DD's noise a lot), his behaviour is better and she says he's clearly a bit happier and more smiley in class. I'm really really pleased to hear it but it made me so sad as well

The other parents have mostly been good. Been asked about DD a few times, but everyone accepted my very brief sentences and got the subtext 'I don't want to talk about it right now' and been very nice, and none of the other children have been pressing DS for information, they've pretty much accepted his explanation that 'mam decided'. I definitely overheard a couple of parents discussing us though (caught my name and DS name twice on the first day). My hyperawareness of sounds is extending outside the house too, clearly!

I have my car back and I'm driving pretty comfortably now. The first time I sat in it at the Garage, I found myself shaking badly and my heart going fast. I shook a bit all the way home. Silly because I was totally fine by myself, no danger at all, but I couldn't stop or reason with myself. The first time DS was in the car with me, again I felt uncomfortable, shaky and paranoid. But it's been a couple of days now and I'm not shaking at all now, but I'm still a bit paranoid.

My GP's referred me for counselling and put my dose of Citalopram up and gave me a few tablets for my sleep just for a few days (they work!) because I was barely sleeping an hour or two a night. She was lovely, very understanding and she thought I was having post traumatic stress type symptoms too, which she thinks should fade a lot in the next month or so but we'll see. The people she's referred me to will do their own assessment and decide what type of counselling will suit me best, they do CBT and a couple other talking therapies.

I've been taking a few days off work, I'm going back tomorrow. I'm eating a wee bit better. Lost weight though. I still feel physically terrible and emotionally all over the place but I'm still taking it day by day, and most days are a wee bit better than the one before.

OP posts:
Maryz · 08/10/2014 21:49

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ghostisonthecanvas · 08/10/2014 21:55
Flowers You may not feel it right now but you are amazing.
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