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Adoption

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Original poster

Just me and DS now

52 replies

Lilka · 30/09/2014 20:24

I told DD2 yesterday that she can't live with us for a while at least. I'm so tired and numb right now. Things have been bad for a few weeks, so I haven't been round here much. She's staying with her birth mum for now.

I wanted her to leave me after a proper transition to more independent living. I wanted her to leave like DD1 left. I wanted it so much. And I hoped this horrible last month would be a temporary blip. But no. She's gone, and what I have left of her last month here is fading and new bruises, memories of her shouting and swearing and being awful, a traumatised son, a damaged car and a horrible mess in her room.

The worst thing was the look of relief on DS face when I told him today that she can't come home for a while at least.

Had my mam round since yesterday helping me get things done, clean a bit and get DS to bed etc. I'm trying to get back on my feet for him. Today was really hard.

OP posts:
Upsydaisymustdie · 30/09/2014 20:56
Flowers I can't know the true extent of what you have been through, but I know with absolute confidence you have handled it with vast amounts of patience, compassion and sensitivity. I am sorry for the past month; it sounds unbelievably hard on you and DS.
wanttosinglikemarycoughlan · 30/09/2014 21:05

so sorry to hear how bad things have been
Please take the time to really look after yourself and your DS
You have done so much but you cannot make her make good decisions
I know adopters who have 'lost' their DC for a period of time but often they see sense and return
take care
(roadwalker)

64x32x24 · 30/09/2014 21:41

(((hugs)))

Devora · 01/10/2014 00:28

Oh love.

I'm so sorry.
Will PM you.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2014 02:46

So sorry, thinking of you.

Buster510 · 01/10/2014 06:40

So sorry Thanks

Original poster
Lilka · 01/10/2014 13:08

Thank you x

I managed to get going more this morning. DS is getting lifts to school for now with a friend. The garage just called and I can get the car fixed without needing to claim. A bit more damage than I anticipated though. Still in shock really. I was just trying to carry on until then, and the shock shoved me into making a decision.

Mam's appointed herself to start clearing up a bit in DD's room, which is incredibly kind given the state of it. But I'm sat down here not helping her, because I can't face moving her stuff around and packing bits up yet. I cried thinking about it.

My friend took round things for her already, and I've texted her and let her know that if she wants anything else of hers, tell me, and that I love her very much and she's still my girl. And that I still want to see her so tell me if she wants to meet up in town one day, but I can't keep living with the violence. Texted BM too to give her a condensed and truthful explanation, which she will hopefully believe if DD hasn't been honest with her.

I feel so guilty, and I know you all keep saying not to, but I just can't shake it. I feel like I've done terribly badly as a mother. I wish she wasn't living with BM now, but then I feel guilty and awful again because who else would she live with? Me, and I won't/can't let her

OP posts:
fasparent · 01/10/2014 14:41

Feel for you Lilka, No consolation but many tears ago our Consultant Paediatrician said you do know you can Adopt the child but know one can adopt the genetics all you can give as a mom is love ,security and support,
how right his statement was proved over the year's.
Feel sure your dd deep in her heart has warm feelings for you and sure these will surface some time in the future if not sooner, will find life is more complicated than she perceives.

Kewcumber · 01/10/2014 22:29

Of course you feel guilty. We all would in your situation - every one of us. Doesn't mean you actually have anything to feel guilty for. Sometimes you can't fix everything and you have to prioritise. You have to prioritise DS, he is younger and deserves to live in a safe environment.

I think you have done the best you can for now and I just know you will keep on trying, because thats the way you are. Starting from a place of safety for DS and you is actually a good base to start helping DD2 again, once you feel it is possible to do so.

Original poster
Lilka · 01/10/2014 23:12

Thank you both x
Devora I pm'ed you back

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilka · 01/10/2014 23:12

Thank you both x
Devora I pm'ed you back

OP posts:
prumarth · 01/10/2014 23:29

Lilka, so sorry to hear this - we are all here for you. Please, please take care of yourself.

Kewcumber · 02/10/2014 09:33

And I would be more here for you if you lived anywhere civilised (aka London)

meoverhere · 02/10/2014 10:58

Oh gosh, Lilka - I'm so sorry, how awful for all of you.

Thinking of you and your DC Flowers

auntybookworm · 02/10/2014 14:24

Sorry you are having a difficult time. No words of wisdom, but pleased to see you have support of others. Take care and don't forget to look after yourself ??

auntybookworm · 02/10/2014 14:24

Sorry for some reason I cannot make Flowers work

hackneylady · 03/10/2014 00:06

Lilka, you always sound so wise and compassionate. Although you feel guilty, you will have done your absolute best by your DD. So sorry you're having such a hard time.

ghostisonthecanvas · 03/10/2014 00:11

Oh Lilka. Thats so hard. I am sorry. CakeBrew and hugs

2old2beamum · 03/10/2014 10:13

Don't know what to say, so sad Flowers XX

MerryInthechelseahotel · 03/10/2014 14:30

Lilka, I've just read this now. I'm so sorry for all you have been through and as pp said, just because you feel guilty that doesn't mean you are guilty! I have no wise words for you, just that I hope you begin to feel better soon Thanks Thanks Thanks

Original poster
Lilka · 03/10/2014 18:18

Thank you so much for all the support Thanks

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Maryz · 03/10/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haffdonga · 03/10/2014 23:08

Lilka, I don't know you, but from what you post you're a bit of a hero of mine I do absolutely know that you are an amazing mum who has done and is still doing the very best possible by your dd and the rest of your family.

Much wine, chocolate, well-wishes and respect to you all. She will be OK thanks to you. Just look after yourself too, Thanks

MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/10/2014 01:02

She's my hero too haff !

Original poster
Lilka · 04/10/2014 14:53

Maryz I will PM you

I haven't really been putting anything on here for a while. I know we say that 'people post when they're having tough times' but in reality things have felt so overwhelming that I've withdrawn rather than post more.

Maybe i should have talked to you all on here more - you're all so supportive and kind x

I have had communication with her birth mum. I texted her an accurate version of events and a personal message, because I doubted DD would tell her the truth. She did respond, albeit with a hurtful undertone/implication of 'I would never do that, I love DD too much'. I just hope she hasn't let DD pull the wool over her eyes.

They won't coexist peacefully, no way. They have arguments and screaming matches a couple of times a month, and have done since the initial honeymoon phase of reunion wore off. DD often wants me to sort it out!! They also have good days or a good week where everything is happy and sunny. Either way, DD does lie a lot and triangulate (it's not really malicious, just the way she goes through life), and her birth mum doesn't often realise it's happening. It's going to be chaotic with them living together.

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