The saga continues - help and advice needed please!

[YouAreMyRain]

My DD 1 (age 8) has recently been making allegations against various adults. These are quite far fetched and I'm not sure if she believes these allegations or if she actually knows truth from fiction as she lies constantly. Most of these allegations are about my partner or her dad's partner (we are separated/divorcing) as she wants us to get back together. She is (finally) under CAMHS having psychotherapy after a difficult few years. (Bit of background, she has attachment difficulties, high anxiety, emotional and behavioural issues, history of self harming and attempted suicide, can't find my previous threads but they are on here somewhere)

Last week I took her to A&E as I was concerned about a non- blanching rash that she had. While we were there, with the doctor, she repeated some of these allegations and they made a safeguarding referral because the dr thought that the rash could have been caused by one of her allegations.

We were there for 11hrs (all he obs were fine and there were no medical concerns) until a senior paediatric consultant said the rash was totally not linked to any allegations and there were no safeguarding concerns and they let us go. He said he had contacted the safeguarding team and told them there were no concerns and basically stopped the referral.

The next day, we had a visit from a social worker. He said that normally he would have police officers with him but they were unavailable. He asked me to sign an agreement that my partner would not see any of the children (two adopted and one birth child with DP) until the police investigation was completed. I refused and said that I didn't think my DP was a risk, that this would unsettle DD1 more etc as we had plans to go away and that I would agree to no unsupervised contact between DP and the children. If I break this agreement, they will start care proceedings against all three children. The social worker had not seen the hospital discharge letter saying that there were no safeguarding concerns and had not spoken to CAMHS.

The SW agreed to my suggestion of allowing only supervised contact and let us go away. I have been in contact with him and they are holding off interviewing DD1 until they have spoken to CAMHS and the school etc next week.

So, next week, my fragile, anxious DD with mental health issues, a phobia of the police, a questionable grasp of reality (she thinks she is bad and they will put her in jail etc) and fear of strangers is going to be interviewed by three strangers, two of whom will be police officers. I have asked and although they will be in plain clothes, they will have to identify themselves as police to her.

I am really worried about how she will cope with the experience and wether it will unsettle her and make things worse. Also, if she knows that her allegations have caused all this drama, (she loved being in hospital getting her obs done etc) that rewards her with attention and power which is not a positive thing for her and she may go on to make lots more allegations. She will need to be interviewed without me present so I have asked if her psychotherapist or a friendly teacher can be there to support her.

I am also worried about what happens if she repeats these allegations to the police and they believe her. Will they try and charge my DP? He is so supportive and I'm not sure how I will cope if he's not allowed to be with the children. Will they start care proceedings against all three children?

My DD is such a complex little girl and it's been such hard work trying to parent her so far, I am going through hell with this latest mess.

I am sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am really stressed out.

My heart goes out to you and your whole family, Rain.

You sound as if you are considering the residential care option very seriously, and given the seriousness of DD1s condition/behaviour it does sound as if this might be the way to go. Is there anyone you can discuss this with? SS etc need to acknowledge the impact this is having, not only on DD1, but also on you and the rest of the family. Is there a possibility of some sort of respite care just to give you a bit of a break?

According to post adoption support, they don't do respite for adopted children.

Would CAHMS be able to suggest any sources of help for respite specifically for children with behavioural difficulties (and unrelated to the fact she is adopted)?

I haven't asked Camhs specifically but they now I have been seeking respite.

It's ridiculous isn't it? Once a child is adopted, they should be treated as any other child by SS, not have LESS support available for their families ffs.

It is totally ridiculous, Rain. Doesn't make any sense at all.
Are there any charities you could get in touch with - I don't know if Mencap would be appropriate for DD1 - but they might be able to offer you some support?
You definitely need help.

I'm sorry, this isn't an area I know much about and I wish I could offer you some practical advice.

Just had a knock at the door. I assumed it was a SW. House is a tip, haven't hoovered, I'm in my pjs still (having a lazy day as DDs are at their dads), and the baby head butted a skirting board yesterday and has a bruise on his forehead.

It was just someone checking the electoral roll. My heart is still racing. I've been trying so hard to be calm and confident but underneath I'm so scared of the "what if?s"

Rain, so so sorry you and your family are going through this. I wish I had some advice but just wanted to offer some hand holding and support. My family went through something similar when a family member was repeatedly and wrongly accused of something so awful by a very disturbed person and the impact was so far-reaching and destructive. Sending all my thoughts and best wishes your way.

Thinking of you Rain, glad to hear you have some support. Just so sorry that the people who should support you, adoption services, are not.

So, I've been on the phone to Post Adoption Support (the same people who chose not to tell me for three months that the LA had accidentally given birth mum my address and details, the same people who lied and minimised in a meeting about it, the same people who I have no trust in basically!).

I have demanded asked for an assessment by PAC or FF. I have pointed out that DD1 is putting the whole family at risk by creating suspicion. That I am concerned about all the children being removed, and that if things are left as they are DD1 will most likely end up in residential care.

If they don't agree, next stop is my MP.

Wow Rain well done, that must have been a tough call to make. I hope you and your family get the support you need.

Rain well done. I really really hope you will get somewhere.

If not, please do make your situation and concerns and feelings to your MP known a.s.a.p.

I could be wrong - more experienced adopters correct me if I am but can you also make your MP aware you are expecting action on this? E.g. Make sure you leave the MP with clear questions... 'What will you do next to assist me?' etc so that she or he must tell you what they are planning to do to help.

Personally I would make a note of what they say (in front of them if it is a face to face) and ask 'When do you expect to be able to do that, please?' and make a note of that.

Then I would personally give them a call or email approximately half way between the time you speak and the time they say they will do it. So if it was a week I would give them about 3 or 4 days and just email or call to check how they are getting on.

I am saying personally because these are just my thought! I think (IMHO) you need to be firm, desperate and also get him or her on side. So strong and desperate (because you are) but also nice/not aggressive (even if you feel like it).

Well done rain

Follow up with an email outlining the main points of the conversation

Do this with every telephone call . Copy to the most senior person in the department that you have the email address for .

If they say they will call you back on Friday and they don't, send an email saying " in our telephone conversation of x date you said you would call me back by y date. As it's now z date , can you please tell me when I will hear from you "

The possibility of residential care is a huge worry for them as it's so expensive. £156k for 7 years is £1.1 million .

Keep the Mp for last resort . All they can do is forward your letter to the director of SS and ask them to look into your concerns. MPs are nervous of dealing with SS , especially anything to do with child abuse , in case they inadvertently end up lobbying for abusers to get their child back

A lawyer is much more effective, but they are very expensive and you need a good one

Rain how are you doing?

Thinking of your Rain. Hope you (and your family) are getting some support, and the professionals involved prove exemplary.

Rain I've just stumbled across this thread after clicking the wrong link.

I know nothing about adoption and only a little about AD but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Your DD is obviously so very lucky to have you and its clear you've done everything you can to support her through an awful time. A lesser person would have ended up taking out their fear, hurt and frustration on her but it sounds as if you've remained calm and loving in the face of awful allegations and investigations.

Good luck to you all I hope the right help can be found for your troubled little girl and you and your family find your way through all of this.

Rain just had a thought about MP, I (for my sins) am a Civil Servant. Ask your MP to take a question to Parliment on your behalf, regarding your lack of support. When we get PQ's (parliamentary questions) they come from the Minister for that area to a very Senior person, who is made responsible for replying. From what I see MP's like asking for them and it causes us to ask questions and check our practices. Sometimes the answers are not great, but despite this they do lead to action, some of which may not covered in your answer, unless you specifically ask for them. We get questions about things with much less significance than what you have outlined here.

So far, PAS have been waiting to see what is going to happen regarding the referral (which they only found on their system today - 8 days after it was made) before they approach management with my request for extra support. So nothing has happened.

Thanks for the info about PQs aunty, I will look into it.

(Posted too soon)

In the last 24 hrs, DD1 has told me that she's not going to be a grown up because she's going to kill herself. She chose uncomfortable clothes for school this morning and when I asked her about her choice she said she chose them because she doesn't feel loved. This is apparently because she had some dry skin on her face which has since gone a bit red, and if I loved her I would have taken her to the drs rather than just put cream on it.
I left her in a room with the baby while I helped DD2 get ready and when I got back she was very distressed saying that she was a mean girl who had done a bad thing. She told me she had sat on the baby's tummy because she wanted to see if she could make him cry and she said that it isn't the first time she has done this.

These are just the big things I can recall, amongst a background of anger, shouting, tears, aggression and distress. This is after six months of psychotherapy. She is eight years old.

Hello Rain, I was posting a bit with you on one of your previous threads. I'm so sorry that you're going through all this, it sounds like hell. The last 24 hours sounds awful, you must be so worried. I can't think of anything helpful to say, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending best wishes xx

Rain, no words really. Just a bit of hand holding.

Rain how is it going? I know it is so hard and just wanted to check in with you and say I am thinking like you.

Thinking of you Rain. She did well to tell you how she felt - and what she did. hope baby is OK.

Thanks for your thoughts etc.

PAS finally got back to me and said that there will be no referral to FF/PAC at this stage. This is because Camhs are already involved and I think they are going to step up the psychotherapy (one session a week at present, not sure what more they can realistically and practically do TBH).

Camhs review is being brought forward from jan (no date set yet but hopefully ASAP) and PAS will attend so at least we will all be around a table.

Concerns are that if we are referred to FF/PAC then Camhs will stop (not sure why) and the therapeutic relationship will come to an end and be unsettling for DD.

No idea what action is planned over the SS referral, as yet.

Highlights from this weekend include threats to throw herself out of a window, being worried about "devils that scratch your legs when you are asleep", wanting to become the actual real Father Christmas (to the point of tears) and finding out that she is saving her tuck money at school to pay other girls to play with her .

Oh Rain I am so sorry. Are you going to tell the school about the tuck money thing? Do you know if the idea came from her or from the girls? I am so sorry this is only one small part but I am just wondering if you can do anything about that aspect of it? Bless you, you are carrying so much. Are you writing all down? I think you need social services to see the terribly heavy weight you are carrying.

I spoke to school this morning (and cried on the way home because she is so socially vulnerable and open to exploitation) they are very supportive and are talking about sorting out a social group for her. It was probably her idea, she's always trying to make people like her by giving them stuff.