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Original poster

letterbox feelings.

28 replies

kmarie100 · 11/05/2014 21:38

Hi all,
I've sent our first letter to birth family and I'm now awaiting a reply. Getting quite nervous about it and how I will feel when/if it comes. Just wondered how everyone else feels when you receive the letters and how your little ones respond. Also does anyone know how common it is not to receive a reply?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/05/2014 22:02

Kmarie I will be in your shoes shortly so will sit and hold your metaphorical hand, if I may!

Original poster
kmarie100 · 11/05/2014 22:06

LOL Italian, of course you may!

OP posts:
Devora · 11/05/2014 23:39

Our social worker told me that most birth parents don't reply. We have never had a letter from either birth parent. We will keep writing them, though, at least until dd is old enough to express her own view.

OurMiracle1106 · 12/05/2014 09:47

I am a birth parent and do write letters though I am aware my ex doesnt bother to do so. I am always pleased to hear from them. And I would hope they feel the same way. I don't put anything deliberately upsetting in the letters and would never do so. i write how iam what I've been doing ask how tall he's grown what's his favourite programmes etc.

Im glad they are open to this contact and aren't obstructing it. They are his parents (though not quite yet legally as they adoption order hasnt yet been granted) and therefore could stop me writing.

I feel very sad for those children who get either nothing or inappropriate letters from birth parents.

I didn't put I miss you in mine (though I do) but I did yell him I love him

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 12/05/2014 10:20

We have been very lucky in that we always get good letters back from BM (she gets help writing them). The girls generally seem happy to read them a couple of times and then put them away. They are pleased to hear she is well and safe. Sometimes we get a bit of sadness or extra questions but that's about it. But they are very much appreciated, especially by our eldest who was 6 when she went into care.
DD1 is finding it harder and harder to write to BM these days as she understands how their lives are diverging and how she will never regain the old relationship she had with her. I am hoping when she is grown up she will be able to forge a new style relationship, more akin to friends/extended family than mother-daughter.

We were also writing to someone else in the birth family too. But they have never ever responded; they were asked for address confirmation last time and didn't supply so were never sent on the letter last year. Therefore this year with DD1's agreement we wrote a brief final letter, saying no more unless we hear from you.
DD1 has been very hurt by the lack of response as this person was important to her. When she was younger she used to make excuses for why they didn't reply, but now she takes a more balanced view.

Italiangreyhound · 12/05/2014 12:24

Sanders it sounds like you are doing an amazing job keeping these little girls safe from disappointment but still allowing them to explore all of their birth family knowledge.

oinker · 12/05/2014 19:59

We wrote two and had no reply even though BM was told of them and how to get to see them. We even sent pictures and several gifts before adoption.
In a LAC review we were advised to stop writing because of the inevitable backlash and further feelings of rejection to our children.
We never wrote anymore.
We went to a seminar two years ago regarding contact.

Several parents raised some relevant points.

One child a 10 year old girl got very upset and angry when she realised that her BF were getting contact letters. She felt aggrieved that strangers knew personal things about her. They'd been told about her first tooth, first steps, first words etc.... They had pictures of her. She could not understand why her adoptive parents had told them all this stuff.
The adoptive mother was in tears when telling us her story.

Another parent mentioned how SW did not censor what they received from BF. On one occasion they received a photo album from BF wedding and video !!! Madness.....

It made my think long and hard about contact. Fortunately the decision was made for us.

This was 3 years ago and still BF have not collected.

It's a tough call.

Good luck in making your decision.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 12/05/2014 21:35

Just done my first one too, no response as yet so we can be in the wait together. I know bm has our letter now so will see if anything comes in the next few weeks

OurMiracle1106 · 12/05/2014 23:17

whatyoutalkingabout it may be a good few weeks. Because although it took me just over a week to write back and get it checked and write it in neat it then sat on the social workers desk for 4 weeks while she was away on annual leave. This made me feel quite upset and angry. Why couldn't someone else have passed it on?

Please please don't assume that the birth parent was bothered for that long it's not always the case.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 12:09

Ds letter from birth mum arrived today. It was fairly short but a nice letter and a photo.

Can I query how birth parents are advised to sign off letters? As in mummy or their name?

Lilka · 14/05/2014 12:16

Sometimes they aren't advised at all and are left to figure it out by themselves

Sometimes certain ways of doing it are suggested, or there are a few rules, and things like, 'mummy X' etc are allowed but not just 'mummy'

Sometimes they actually demand that it has to be a first name or 'birth mum' and won't pass on any letters signed off even with 'mummy X'

And I'm sure other agencies have other rules still. Letterbox guidelines and rules are extremely variable.

Personally I think the sign off should be based on what the child needs. If you think what's in the letter is unhelpful to your child, you can request the next one is different. You can say 'we won't accept another letter signed from 'mummy'' if you don't think that's right for your child.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 12:25

It just seems cruel as she is mummy but going forward it is not whats right for ds. He initially called her mummy ..... (Name) and then of his own accord just started using her name. He never refers to her as mummy now. She called herself mummy 5 times throughout the letter so I will read it to him as it is and see how he reacts to it.

The poor woman is probably going through enough hell without me demanding she can't call hersel mummy to him just feels petty but did not sit well with me when I read the letter. I don't want to cause any upset with it for anyone but equally as the years go by we need to find a balance we are all comfortable with. I suppose if she has used mummy (name) it would have felt less dismissive of us as his parents now but I have to remember its not about me and the letter is to him not me.

Lilka · 14/05/2014 12:33

I do understand that completely. Letters to my DD2 have always been signed mummy x, mummy or mum, and that's been fine with me because it worked for DD. But I asked that DS's letters not be signed mum or mummy in any form because it wasn't right for him, and I initially felt bad about it. I don't feel that way any more. Actually, the whole letterbox for him has been ended because he didn't want it any more. But everything has to be right for the child, and if it isn't right for the child, we have to put our feelings aside for them. The feelings we have to put aside might be insecure or angry feelings, but equally they might be guilty feelings or feeling bad for birth mum, IF that's what our children need

I'm not saying you should ask for it be changed by the way! It can work both way, only you can judge what your child needs

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 12:40

I wouldn't ask for it to be changed its her letter to him and we have no adoption order yet so I really have no right to. I will discuss it with his social worker and explain that he has stopped calling her mummy so perhaps it would be appropriate for her next letter to sign off as using mummy and her name. Oh it's just horrible I hate feeling so weird about this, she will always be his mum and we talk about her lots but something about seeing it written down just felt wrong. My wee boy probably won't even bat an eyelid about it and will just be happy to hear from her.

OurMiracle1106 · 14/05/2014 13:37

I sign it off with just my first name. No mum or mummy or anything within it. I refer to his parents in the letters as mum and dad and though the social worker said it might be better to write to them rather than to my son I actually disagree. These letters (and no offfenve intended) aren't meant to be for them. They are for him to read when he is older. I don't see there is any harm in me saying I hope mummy has a lovely mothers day and daddya good fathers day etc. Or unless I'm completely off the mark and adopter would feel left our/blanked/ignored by such a letter

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 15:34

I remember your letter oneday I thought it was lovely I would have taken no offence to that. I think it just surprised me she used mummy so much in the letter I had been told she would use her name so it was a shock. Had a few hours to digest it now so going to read it to ds this evening.

Angelwings11 · 14/05/2014 16:59

OP have you considered SS? I only say this as you stated that you did not think that BM was 'allowed' to use the term 'mummy' in regard to herself. If I had been told that she wasn't to do this, then I would contact SS and ask that the letter be changed appropriately.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 17:06

I think the words were "encouraged not to" so I don't think they can actually stop them. We have a lac review soon so I will bring it up then and say going forward we would prefer her to sign off how ds mentions her now and that is by name. Will see how it goes down.

OurMiracle1106 · 14/05/2014 19:25

I sign off as a birth mum. With love you to the stars and back always
And then my name and a few kisses.

Appropriate well I don't see why it isn't and it means I don't need it changed at a later date

Angelwings11 · 14/05/2014 19:33

How you have signed off your letter miracle is appropriate, as was the letter that you wrote. I wish our BM would write to us, so far she hasn't and I am inclined to think that she won't in the future.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 14/05/2014 22:21

Feeling so upset. Read ds his letter tonight and for the first time since I met him he was heartbroken. He misses her so much and it's the first time he has talked properly about how he feels. Bm included a photo and I think it was just too much for him to take in he is only little. I feel broken tonight that he was so upset. Lots of cuddles and talks about bm he was a happy boy again going to bed but I did not anticipate this reaction. My heart goes out to him and so far he has taken everything in his stride I did not expect such a strong reaction from him.

I am honestly not sure if I will share the next letter with him or save it till he is older. It seems wrong holding them back when he could have them but to watch the hurt he went through today was just awful.

OurMiracle1106 · 15/05/2014 09:45

It must be so hard for you but the question you have to ask is that if he does miss her and is upset then surely it's better to share these letters now and let him express his feelings than him to bottle them up and at a later date feel you hid them from him? Or is it just emotionally too much.

Whatutalkinboutwillis · 15/05/2014 10:48

I know oneday I am trying to think of it from both angles to decide what is best. Day to day he never seems up nor down and we chat about mum lots and he has never reacted like that. I think it was the photo that done it so perhaps I will hold them back until he is older and more able to cope with it. I just don't think it's my right to do that but he is also in my care so I have to do what I feel is right for him

Original poster
kmarie100 · 16/05/2014 10:07

Well still no letter. I'm so disappointed. DD too young to understand at the moment but I'm sure it's not going to be easy to explain that they didn't contact her when she gets older. How do you explain why when you don't know yourself?

Devora ..so sad that you never received a letter, like you we will continue to write ours and I remain hopeful that we will receive something in the future.

Sanders..nice to hear letterbox having some success for you.

Oinker ..I thought now we'd signed the agreement to do letterbox we were agreeing until she is an adult? Obviously from your experience it can be reviewed.

Whatutalkinboutwillis.. nice that the letter has come but not good that it had caused some issues for you/DS I guess if we never get a letter we won't have to deal with those problems. But I would still rather get one I think. I hope he is able to cope with future letters more easily, maybe such a strong reaction was due to it being the first one?

Angelwings11..looks like we are in the same boat. Fingers crossed for future contact.

OP posts:
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 16/05/2014 10:26

kmarie How long have you been waiting for?

We have learned to expect 4-6 weeks between our sending off the letter and receiving back the response.
There is one member of the adoption team who deals with letterbox, but she also has other responsibilities.

  • We send off letter
  • Letterbox coordinator has to find time to check it, copy it, contact BM
  • LBC agrees date for BM to come into office
  • BM comes in to office, has help reading and processing letter, has help writing her own letter
  • LBC has to copy reply and send it off
  • We receive it
  • We find a good time to show it to girls (max 2 days delay)

Even if the BM didn't need to go to the office, they would still need time to be emotionally ready and physically organised to write a reply, and send it off. That could easily take 3 weeks.

kmarie we mentally review contact every couple of years. We think whether it is working, whether anything should change. In our case we regularly consider whether we should introduce direct contact, and also as I said above we have just stopped contact with another member of the birth family.