Changing baby's name - would really like your thoughts/experiences

[fashiongirl2014]

Hi ladies,
I must confess first that I have been lurking on here for a while but was too shy to post! I have found so many of your discussions so useful and only hope that I may be able to repay the favour in future.

I was hoping to get your views on changing a child's first name and whether it is something you have done. I am trying to understand the way people may have chosen to do this, or any tips you may be able to give me.

My husband and I have been linked to an 18 month old which we are of course thrilled about. We are going to panel in April with intros starting beginning of May.

We always said we would wait and see what our future child's name was before we had a view on whether we would change it (based on whether it was a 'normal' name or something crazy/celebrity inspired) however now we are here we are not sure what to do. There is so much emphasis from the SW to NOT change names etc "its the only good thing they ever did for them" kind of spiel which is thoroughly unhelpful! However our baby has a name we like, although the spelling is not the usual way. Our reasons for possibly wanting to change the first name in spite of this is because of the history surrounding the birth family and the type of disgusting criminal behaviour they have been involved in. We would be doing it to protect the child and really feel that under these circumstances we would be within our right to do so.

We were thinking of either keeping the name but spelling it the more usual way and adding a middle name or using the potential middle name as their new first name and making the existing first name a middle name with the usual spelling, hope that makes sense!

Would anyone have advice on how to do this or if in fact you think we shouldn't based on your own experiences? I am keen to find out how negative the responses were from SW/SS when you chose to do this and how you tackled them with it. We also need to consider that the child may be quite aware of what their name is even though they are quite young and so it may be difficult from that perspective too.

Any help/guidance would be so appreciated. Thank you!
breathing sigh of relief having posted finally!!

Since forgiveness has been brought up....when it comes to forgiveness, I can't forgive my children's birth parents for anything they've done, simply because that isn't my place. I wasn't there, it didn't happen to me. Only my children can choose to to forgive abuse, because it happened to them. The empathy and compassion that I do have isn't the same thing as forgiveness.

But DD2 does and has forgiven her mum for many things. Or I think it's mostly forgiveness, with some denial mixed in and some bits she's blocked out and can't let herself think about so. And I don't think she's very unusual in this.

I am in a better place and in the future would be able to parent. However I very much doubt I would be a better parent. Maybe as good as but not better. We all make mistakes. Some were the right decision at the time others beyond our control. You can send your child to the best school doesn't mean the headteacher doesnt leave and the school goes downhill.

I think the golden rule is you do what you believe to be best at that moment in time. And if it's wrong you hold your hands up and admit it

I don't have to imagine what it's like being played off against birth mum. It is not fun. It wasn't Facebook that led to their reunion, but even so, my experiences make me even more wary and security conscious than I was before.

Social services aren't always good at protecting anyone's infomation. Known a couple of adoptive parents whose details managed to find their way to the birth parents

I think the golden rule is you do what you believe to be best at that moment in time

Yes, absolutely

Which is basically what I think about name changing. It's about as far from a black and white issue as you can get, so think through it all, and do what you think is best at that point in time. If you can tell your child with your hand on your heart that you changed/kept their name because you honestly thought it was the best decision in your circumstances, what more can we do?

Hopefully most children, as adults, would not judge their parents harshly for making a decision that they made from a lot of thinking and love, not having a crystal ball to see into the future

Miracle so sorry for all the things that have happened to you. Hope you are feeling in a better place.

Thank you Italian I am doing counselling and much better than I was. Time is helping me learn to deal with it and that's the key. It won't ever go. It's a part of me and has made me who I am. All I can do is find peace and move forward whilst never forgetting the lessons I learnt

Miracle - I think you're pretty awesome right now

Miracle I agree with Families.

Miracle -the OP spoke about " disgusting criminal behaviour " and from what you have said here, nothing that you have done remotely falls into that category. No one is suggesting that all birth parents are the same -of course they are not , every situation is different.

As Mary said, most adoptive parents are far less likely to judge than members of the general public. Sadly, issues like mental illness, addictions, family breakdown and domestic violence are very common -If we have not experienced them ourselves we know someone, a close friend or relative, who has. We are also very well aware of the problems that many troubled families have in getting the right support at the right time from SS.

Wow I missed quite a bit since I last logged on so wanted to make a few points.

I am really sorry if I caused offence to anyone with my wording in the OP. My reason for using the term "disgusting criminal behaviour" was in the hope that the people on here (regulars and newbies alike) would easily be able to read between the lines as to exactly what type of actions I could mean, without having to list the horrors that have occurred. I totally understand that not all children (thank god) find themselves in this situation or ever have to try to understand this as being part of their history. However for my little one this is something that we will have to deal with hence why I wanted to consult you all on a possible name change.

With regards to having sensitivity when talking about the birth family to our child in the future, this is something that nobody needs guidance on. The very fact that adoption even exists is testament to how much feeling and love a person is able to extend to another human being who is not theirs biologically, but theirs by law. I would not use half of what I would say on here to talk to my child, as I am sure no-one would, however this is supposed to be a 'safe' place to debate and at times perhaps we all use words we would not deem appropriate for our children.

Thank you so so much to everyone for taking the time to reply. I realise now that this is a very sensitive topic so can only be grateful that I have now read such wise words from experienced adopters/adoptees.

We changed our DD's and put it in the middle, she was 11 months and didn't respond to it at all....although it did transpire the FC hadn't been using it and using one of her middle names which would be why!! It was very distinctive and also something she could have easily been teased about as it sounded like a popular product and everyone commented on it in the early days when we first heard about her and were matched. We also adopted her sibling and the two names together would have been way too distinctive plus there was a security issue so SS agreed changing her name was a sensible plan. We didn't change our son's name but have put middle names in. Our daughter took to her new name instantly, it was quite amazing. We did however, well I did, want to keep the original in the middle just in case she is ever upset about this - then if she wants to use it or not use it or go down the deed poll route, she can, and it's always been 'part of her'. DH hates it but I was insistent as trying to be respectful of her start in life until she chooses for herself.