Changing baby's name - would really like your thoughts/experiences

[fashiongirl2014]

Hi ladies,
I must confess first that I have been lurking on here for a while but was too shy to post! I have found so many of your discussions so useful and only hope that I may be able to repay the favour in future.

I was hoping to get your views on changing a child's first name and whether it is something you have done. I am trying to understand the way people may have chosen to do this, or any tips you may be able to give me.

My husband and I have been linked to an 18 month old which we are of course thrilled about. We are going to panel in April with intros starting beginning of May.

We always said we would wait and see what our future child's name was before we had a view on whether we would change it (based on whether it was a 'normal' name or something crazy/celebrity inspired) however now we are here we are not sure what to do. There is so much emphasis from the SW to NOT change names etc "its the only good thing they ever did for them" kind of spiel which is thoroughly unhelpful! However our baby has a name we like, although the spelling is not the usual way. Our reasons for possibly wanting to change the first name in spite of this is because of the history surrounding the birth family and the type of disgusting criminal behaviour they have been involved in. We would be doing it to protect the child and really feel that under these circumstances we would be within our right to do so.

We were thinking of either keeping the name but spelling it the more usual way and adding a middle name or using the potential middle name as their new first name and making the existing first name a middle name with the usual spelling, hope that makes sense!

Would anyone have advice on how to do this or if in fact you think we shouldn't based on your own experiences? I am keen to find out how negative the responses were from SW/SS when you chose to do this and how you tackled them with it. We also need to consider that the child may be quite aware of what their name is even though they are quite young and so it may be difficult from that perspective too.

Any help/guidance would be so appreciated. Thank you!
breathing sigh of relief having posted finally!!

In international adoption it is seen as normal to change a child's name - to give them one that is closer to their new culture. It's usually argued that they won't have to spend their life spelling it, answering questions about where it's from etc.etc.

I don't get why it's therefore seen as wrong to change a child's name if they are adopted within the UK if their name is also going to attract that kind of attention. A child who is internationally adopted has lost more of their culture already.

I also don't buy that it's the only thing that remains for a child (they still have their appearance that is like their birth family, lots of genetic traits, memories, the impact of neglect, abuse, and/or prenatal influences).

If the birth family are a risk, they probably wouldn't be told the new name, but if it's a case of odd spelling, having another cousin with the same name, or swapping to the middle name to save them a lifetime of explaining why a white British girl living in suburbia is called Beyoncé, the birth family would, I imagine, be told.

fashiongirl2014 good luck on whatever you decide to do. I started a thread a while ago about this. If interested it is at

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/1981964-A-rose-by-any-other-name-would-smell-so-sweet

Personally, speaking if you do decide to change the name, do not tell friends and relatives, even close ones. Why give them the name if you feel it is a security issue?

Likewise if there is a security issues you should not feel you need to tell the birth parents.

I have every respect for birth parents in general and have communicated with some through mumsnet and would not want to say anything negative or unkind to any birth parents in general at all. However, if you have reason to feel there are security issues for your new little one, then you should not be bound (IMHO) by concerns for birth parents in general, you should think of your new little one and what is est for them in particular.

We are matched to a little boy and it is pretty sure we will keep his name just as it is, although we may add a middle name. Our little one doesn't have security issues, as far as we know. Each adoptive parent must look at this issue for themselves, and whatever others have done I am hopeful they would do what is best for their new child.

Also, personally, I would not talk about this with social workers. If they have given their opinion that you should not change the name, and you decide it is in the best interest of your child to do so, then it is not the business of the social workers. It is my understanding that before you adopt them you cannot change their name but once adopted you can.

Lastly, personally, I would use the most standard spelling of a name. It must be a huge pain in the butt to go through life having to spell out a weird spelling of a name and it does not seem fair for a child to have to be saddled with this or with the concern that they may be traced because of a very odd spelling. This is just my opinion.

It is also my opinion that your name is not your identity and that a name is by no means the only thing a birth parent gives a child. But I must add again, what is in the best interest of the child, that is the key thing, and for many children this may well be to keep their name.

Hi, we are in exactly the same position. We discussed it with the sw who had no issues with us changing the spelling to the traditional way. We will be giving our new arrival a middle name too. I think it protects her too.

I wanted to add that you may not be able to control your family knowing the birth name, unless the change is agreed prior to the child being placed. Our change was agreed after placement and this was the same with all the adopters I know that also changed their AC names.

Our families know the security concerns and I know that they will work with us, to let us do life story work regarding the name change when appropriate.

our little one will be 20 months when he comes home. he has an unusual name. We were asked how we felt about his name. We feel it is part of him and so wouldn't cjange it. we were tempted to change the spelling to a slightly less rare version but then decided to keep it.
It does worry me whether it'll make him more visible but I just think it would make him feel a little cheated if we did. Can totally see why people would alter it though.

We shortened our dd's name slightly and made the spelling conventional. But we still use the nickname she has had since birth. We did this primarily for security reasons.

Miracle, we have not told the birth parents of the name change, and we use her original name in letterbox contact. This doesn't feel comfortable, but it is necessary because of the level of threat.

tbh, if we had known about the security risk when we first met dd (rather than it emerging nearly a year on) I would have changed her name completely (what feels possible for a 6mo does not feel so easy for an 18mo). But i would probably have chosen her birth mum's middle names - which are lovely names, and would have made some kind of statement that I am not trying to erase her past and that I honour her birth mum's place in her life.

findingherfeet you mentioned struggling with changing a child's name to better 'fit' their parents. Personally, I have not heard parents-to-be giving this as an argument at all. Most of the comments I saw on the other thread (I started a while back) were about security issues or children whose birth names would possibly cause them embarrassment etc at school. I know at one time it was totally accepted and normal to change babies' names when they were adopted but today I don't think parents-to-be go into the idea of changing a baby or child's name lightly.

For us we have had months of thinking about and talking about 'our' little boy with the name he was given by birth parents. It would seem quite strange to change his name now, for us, but if we felt there were security issues or that his name would land up with him being teased at school, then we would.

I don't think the social workers in our case (my situation where we were trained and prepared for adoption) made any kind of a convincing argument about the need to keep his name. I think this is sad because I think there is a very good and real argument that children should keep their name if there are no security or other issues (e.g. an embarrassing name). In our situation this was not discussed, we were just told.

In one real life situation I can think of the family kept the child's name and then she herself chose to change it. So the issue is more complex than just what the parents-to-be want. In that situation I wonder what social workers might think, if it was the child themselves who wanted to change it, and again what if their choice of name were a potential embarrassment?

We agonised over this between approval and matching and decided we would change a name that would make life harder for them further down the line. In the end it wasn't an issue for us.

I would say, keep it under your hat. SW can have very fixed ideas, so why borrow trouble when it will be your decision in the end?

Saying that though, I was very pleased that there was no need to change our DD's name, but we would have done if it had been in her best interests.

fashiongirl2014 I agree about not talking to social workers about it if you know already they will not want to be flexible about it. I think in areas where you know ultimately that it will be your decision and where you know they will not necessarily agree there is no point discussing it and maybe getting rattled. I would not want to have to make a promise not to change a name when I felt it was wrong to leave it! Even now, even though we feel it is right to keep his name and have no issues with it, why should I have to make a promise to anyone about something like that? I am already making a life time commitment to a child I have not yet met! I am not just going through the motions, taking time of work, attending training etc, I am making a commitment (to me in some ways more solemn and binding than marriage) to this child and of course each decision about what is best for him will be taken by me and my husband with guidance and advice from experts, but that is not the same as saying I will abide by rules someone else has put forward and which might run contrary to the reality of the situation.

I agonised over this a lot and in the end each person.couple must decide for themselves.

In my humble opinion the one thing the birth parents give them is their name and could never change it. My cousin adopted a Stephen and then a DD called Stephanie she left it at that and got round it.

As I said upthread, birth parents give their children LOTS of things, good and bad. All their genes for a start - talents, looks, disabilities. Then their prenatal risks. Exposure to bad things, lack of prenatal care, all kinds of things. Then anything after birth - neglect, abuse, but also love and gifts, some of them will be kept as keepsakes. Even if a child has to be removed to foster care at birth, because of an unsafe home, then that fact will almost certainly mean the child is then taken away from the only family they've known (the foster carers) if they are placed for adoption.

So not just a name, no.

Yes I agree with what drspouse and maryz have said. It is an emotive issue, but as 'the parents' we have to decide what is best.

Yes agree, lots of things, some good and some bad. The good things would be some talents or a propensity to some skills etc. Beautiful eyes or hair, or both. A cheeky smile, dimples, delicate pianist fingers etc. My friend has just adopted a beautiful girl with a gorgeous face. Her birth parents gave her al the genes to make that lovely face and every drop of blood and tissue in her body was made in her birth mums body.

My ds though is gorgeous has blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Although I have blue eyes they are a dull blue and I have brown hair. So looks I can't honestly say he took mine. His dad is also dull blue eyes and brown hair. Though he does have my pale skin. Not all kids look like their birth parents so that point could be argued.

You can still see genes in children's faces even if they aren't exact copies of their birth parents. Our DS has a heart shaped face, and so does a birth sibling - very different colouring but lovely to see them together in photos.

Miracle children do not always look like their parents, but that does not alter the fact that through your birth parents you got all the genes in your body, and all the things that make you physically you. In giving your little boy life you truly did bring about a miracle.

I just feel very much that birth parents give their children much more than a name. Although they cannot choose which bits they give, they don't choose blue or brown eyes etc, it just happens but it happens because of the genes in their body.

We had quite a lot of fertility treatment over the years. At one point we had a fertilised egg, which sadly was down to only one cell! Sadly it did not make it but it me realise that every tiny cell is valuable and special.

We changed our daughters name entirely. It was suggested by sw initially due to security issues and our geographical proximity to birth family. We were surprised when it was suggested, as on our prep classes it was considered to be uncommon for many reasons, some of which I agreed with and others which did not match my own experience.
I am an adoptee myself, but back in the days when it was the accepted thing to change names. For me personally, my sense of identity has been created by many different factors, the loving childhood I had, relationships with family and friends, educational experiences, the country I was born in, the religion I was brought up in and yes, being adopted. For me, being adopted has been, but one part of my varied life and certainly not the most important aspect of my life. I also think it was entirely right that my parents named me, I would have found it peculiar if anyone else had.
Remember I speak only for myself, I have adopted friends who feel differently, which is only to be expected. Being both an adoptee and adoptive parent has shown me, that everyone has their own unique experience of the adoption triangle. None of us can ever know how adoption will impact on those involved, some adopted children will be very interested in their birth families, others will not. I see my role as a parent, to support my child with her own experience of adoption, whatever that may be. She may be glad her name was changed, she may not. Her view on this may change at different stages of her life. As someone in their forties I can testify that for me I have felt differently about being an adoptee at various stages of life and no doubt will change again in the future.

As many previous posters have stated, we can only do what seems right at the time for our children, they will then grow up and as all parents both adoptive and biological find out, have their own strong opinions!
I like many of you have agonised over every decision that I have made in connection with my daughters adoption, hoping it was the right decision. This has been balanced by my own life experience which informs my perspective (as it does, all of us) that this will be but one important aspect of my daughters life.

At the early stages of the adoption process, all of these decisions feel so important and rightly so. I am reflecting back over my years on this planet, and the things that have been significant to me have been in no particular order, being loved by my parents and wider family, enjoying school, making lifelong friendships along the way, finding a career (eventually!) that I enjoy, overcoming serious illness and being lucky enough to meet a partner to share my life with, discovering we had fertility issues and deciding to become parents through adoption. I could have been named anything and I would still have lived through all of the above.
Sorry this turned into an epistle, sometimes these threads get me musing over my life, as you can see. I reiterate, these are my feelings only and I respect the rights of anyone to hold opinions that are diametrically opposed.

I would change it if it's too identifiable.

Haven't read all the responses so sorry if I repeat anything that anyone else has said. I come from a family with a lot of involvement/experience with adoption though I'm not adopted myself - siblings are. I believe that whilst some children like the fact their name was chosen by birth parents, others love the fact that they are a 'real' part of their adoptive family by having their name chosen by the adoptive parents. Social workers go on and on about not changing the children's names but I do believe it can be done sensitively.
One really good way to change a child's name without confusing them too much is to start calling them by two names and eventually drop one of the names. For instance, say your child's name given to her by birth parents in Stacey. You want to call her Grace. You start calling her Stacey, then you call her Stacey Grace all the time, then eventually as she gets used to it, you start just calling her Grace. It can really work.
For what it's worth, my siblings like the fact their names were chosen by their mum. (Adoptive mother.) They have their original first names as a middle name.
Wishing you so much good luck with your adoption.

My parents named me after my birth mother :) My cousin who is also adopted was given a new first name but they kept his original name as his middle name.

Go with whatever suits your situation, names are just names. It's personality that defines you.

Thanks maryz.

I thought when I read your post about your childrens' experience regarding their names 'can't do right for doing wrong', iykwim?
You are right, who knows if our concerns will be the same as our children, probably not.
Just thinking about, the adoption triangle, the point that was emphasised on our prep class was that each side of the triangle had its own unique losses, the adopted child, the chance to grow up within their biological family, the birth family, the loss of parenting their child, and the adoptive parents, the loss of having a biological child. At the time I thought this was a bit simplistic to be honest, but what does hold true for me, is that the losses/ grief are not the same, therefore it follows that our concerns and worries going forward will be different. We may all be different sides of the adoption triangle, joined by loss in its widest sense, but each side has very different losses to live with, and therefore what concerns one, may not another. For example, on the subject of name changing, I can only try and empathise with how that might feel for a birth parent, and yes, I could see that might feel like a further loss, in a series of significant losses. As an adoptive parent, when the sw suggested name changing, after my initial confusion, I confess to a guilty joy, I was going to get to do something I had thought I would never be able to do, name my child. Why do i feel guilty about that? We only need to look at the hundreds of threads on mumsnet on choice of baby names, to see that this is a subject given much attention by parents to be. I guess it felt wrong to be thinking of my own needs when of course I am meant to be worrying about how the child will feel in some unknown future and how the birth family will feel in some unknown future if/when they meet. It's exhausting quite frankly, but in the end, it was done, and for me was a gain, i gained the chance to name my child, and i had not even realised how good such a simple thing could feel. But I also gained the worry, over the future. And in this unknown future that I am worrying about,my child may be full of grief at losing their original given name, full of gratitude that I changed it or totally ambivalent on the subject. All of which are possible, as they will be their own person with their own set of concerns.