I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. Or how to do it. Or if I ^can^ do anything

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

I am clueless and I would be over the moon if a nice person could help.

Basically DHs niece is pregnant. She is in a violent relationship, drugs and alcohol are involved, SS are involved, I think, I don't even know what's going on.

All I know is, her mum, DHs sister came to our house last night with DN and has asked us to "take the baby" when it is born.

She doesn't want the child, her partner doesn't want the child but they do not want SS to take the baby away.

My head is spinning. I mean, surely we can't just go to SS and offer to take this child, can we?
And what if she changes her mind? Or wants to take the baby to stay with her or..oh I just don't know, my head is a fucking mess.

Can someone just explain to me how this works? I am so overwhelmed I don't know where to start.

A similar situation arose with us, DHs nephew was taken into care only he was older. DH family live very far away from us so like you we didn't really know what was going on, for years, it was all hear say. The end result was we applied to adopt him as soon as we actually knew what was going on & I called the SW on the case myself to find out / put ourselves forward.

In our case I wish that wed known sooner, then we would of had him placed with us sooner. But you do really need to think about whether you want another child or not, we are yet to have our own birth children but it wasn't something I was able to do & see him adopted out of our family. It was a huge decision for us, definitely not one to be taken lightly. I would try to get in touch with social services if you possibly can & take it from there?

I'm sorry if this is not much use but I hope you manage to sort something out.

Oh I must add our situation was definitely not so it would provide BM with access when she "sorts herself out", so again if that is part of your reasoning like others have stated I would perhaps re-think. Our lo is very much our son now & it wouldn't have been right to have carried this out if it were only to please other people. It has to be for yourself & what's right for the child.

I have now discovered that SS are not involved. Because no one knows she is pregnant. She hasn't seen a doctor or a midwife or had a hospital appointment.
She doesn't want to see anyone because they will involve SS and she doesn't want that to happen.

I am not going to keep it all a secret and just come along and take the baby once it is born. Which seems to be what they want.

So now, what do I do?
Do I contact SS myself?

What you have to think of is will dh be ok with possibly being cut off from his family

You taking the baby in will cause issues with in the family

How will you cope with family functions ECt how will you cope with your anger towards your nice if the baby is very ill or disabled as a result of the drug taking?

How will your dh feel towards his sister if the child is disabled knowing she left the burden to him

its all very we'll saying she doesn't want the baby in care but she won't take baby in ffs

Also you have to think about having ss invloment in your own life's for maybe years , allegations ect

poster TantrumsAndBalloons

YES call then todayhowever this is very common with drug users they present late to anti natal care and the fact that she is not seeing any one confirms she is not able to put baby's needs above her own.

So I can just call SS and explain the situation? And then they will take it from there?

Should I tell anyone, tell DN that's what I'm going to do or not?

I think need to call SS and let them assess the best way forward for this little one. Yes, it is a vulnerable baby - but it isn't down to you to save him/her unless you feel you can and want to take on full parental responsibility forever.

Not sure how good your relationship was with DN prior to this? Be prepared for the fall out if you do go to SS - I doubt she will take it well. I think she is being incredibly selfish to put all of this on you. Whichever way I try to look at this, I think you need to call SS - you can't be expected to deal with this on your own. If you do want to be assessed as an adopter, the process itself will very quickly help you decide if it's the right thing for you all.

If it turns out not to be, there are people out there who will be able to give the baby all the love and support they need. Honestly. You don't need to feel it has to be you just because you're related.

All best wishes to you - this must be so hard.

Tantrums and Balloons - I do think you should call Social Services. There is a lot of good advice on this thread already. If you are really serious about taking on the child, will you be strong enough to refuse your husband's niece access to the child/contact with the child (if that is what SS deign appropriate?)

Something similar happened with my DS - a relative came forward saying that they would apply for a special guardianship order for my DS - but SS then discovered that the relative had no intention of keeping the very limited contact arrangements between DS and his birth parents.

A very hard decision and I think it is wonderful that you are even considering taking the child on. But please do look into the effects of drug addiction and alcohol abuse on a foetus. Mama1980 has posted on here about her "struggles" (though she is coping amazingly) with the clinginess of her new baby who was exposed to drugs in the womb.

Tantrums, what will the fall out be within the family when you call SS? Is you neice waiting for someone to take control? Even if you decide that the baby cannot stay with you, you need to start a care plan. That involves SS. Are you and your family prepared for the anger that will be directed at 'the ones that called SS'. But there is an unborn child at risk. That is your priority. You know all these things. Loads on the thread saying similar. It is a hard thing you are going to do, I phoned SS once to keep a family member safe. It was hard, changed the family forever. I would do it again to kep a child safe. and strength on the journey you areaabout to take.

The most urgent thing is that your niece gets medical care. In some cities there are consultant obstetricians or even special clinics who specialise in working with " vulnerable women " eg those with addictions, who have been raped or abused , prostituted or trafficked women

Your niece and /or her parents need to find out if there is such a service in her area and get herself seen there ASAP. The staff will be very experienced and will not judge her .

ghost that's what my DH is worried about, the effect on the whole family. But I don't see what other option there is.

I think you have to tell them that if you do what they want, then you will do it properly and officially which means contacting SS, GP, whoever, NOW. If that is not what they want then you will not take the baby.

Also I see that your niece is 4.5 months pg. if she hasn't seen a doctor, she must be working that out from her LMP. And in that case, she is much more organised than most drug users, usually their lives are very chaotic and they don't keep a note of their dates.

I understand that she doesn't want to go for medical care. It what happens when she goes into labour? Is she planning to have home birth unattended? Then how is she planing to get the birth registered?

If she presents at a hospital in labour, with no antenatal care and no reasonable explanation , she will automatically raise concerns about her choices and her ability to keep her child safe, so SS will get involved anyway.

So it's not a choice of SS or not, it's just a choice of WHEN they get involved. Sorry

Tantrums -with regard to you taking the baby - please realise that you have choices here. There are certainly other options.

Your niece could be supported by various agencies to get clean and keep her baby

The baby could be placed with an adoptive family. There are people approved and waiting right now to adopt tiny babies . There is a big demand.

YOU don't have to do this or get involved in any way if you don't feel it's right for you and your family.

Tantrums your DH is correct. Its going to hit the fan. Big time. The other option is you both have to decide if you can live with doing nothing and waiting for the baby, as KristinaM said SS will get involved at the birth.

there is a third option. Call SS anonymously. Then deny, deny, deny.

This young woman needs medical care urgently -please encourage her to get it ASAP . There are complications in pregnancy, like pre eclampsia, which can be fatal

Think this is for the professionals young miss will be unsure confused at this stage needs help and support suggest. She see's midwife they may have a "Family nurse partnership" who will have specialist skill's and work with young mum's and dad's from day one too well after the birth,
they help first-time parents too succeed. , and would be confidential.

OMG

Please call SS but I am worried they are going to be at a loss... Pregnancy not confirmed, unborn child has no rights and they a won't have grounds to force her to have antenatal care...

I am concerned she will flee.

You need to tell SS though this a potentially huge disaster...

I would be talking to her parent about the facts... That SS have to get involved, their daughters life is in danger (if she is using cocaine even more so) and the baby will be affected by the drugs she is taking... They can not fix this.

Actually they can do something - they could flag her as a high risk non attender to maternity / A&E with a plan if she presents - it's not used very often anymore but occasionally it is in cases like this.

DH spoke with her and her mum this afternoon.

She won't see a doctor. She won't entertain the idea of SS being involved at all.

She wants us to just take the baby, with no formal paperwork or involvement from anyone, just take it and she can forget about it.

That's not going to happen. So we appear to be back to square 1. Someone has to get the relevant authorities involved in this. It's not even about whether we decide to look after the baby at the moment. That's too far down the line at the moment, no one outside me, DH, her mum and her gran even know she's pregnant.

But yes, she needs medical care of some sort, and a plan. An auctual, sensible plan, not the one she has right now.

It's a bloody mess.