I have absolutely no clue what I am doing. Or how to do it. Or if I ^can^ do anything

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

I am clueless and I would be over the moon if a nice person could help.

Basically DHs niece is pregnant. She is in a violent relationship, drugs and alcohol are involved, SS are involved, I think, I don't even know what's going on.

All I know is, her mum, DHs sister came to our house last night with DN and has asked us to "take the baby" when it is born.

She doesn't want the child, her partner doesn't want the child but they do not want SS to take the baby away.

My head is spinning. I mean, surely we can't just go to SS and offer to take this child, can we?
And what if she changes her mind? Or wants to take the baby to stay with her or..oh I just don't know, my head is a fucking mess.

Can someone just explain to me how this works? I am so overwhelmed I don't know where to start.

Her mum has her own addiction problems.

I think she thinks she is helping her. But she has a hatred of SS and doesn't want them anywhere near her or her children, no matter what.
She doesn't want anyone else in the family to know, she doesn't want anyone involved. Because, to be honest it makes her look bad. That's the only reason and it infuriates me tbh.

She didnt protect her dd when she was growing up and now she is sitting back saying nothing whilst her daughter is pregnant, addicted to crack and being beaten up by her "boyfriend"
And she won't accept it, thinks it will all just go away if we make it.

My DN needs a hell of a lot of help and support. Not just with the pregnancy but with her whole life. But no, her mum just keeps telling her, it will be ok. Just keep SS away and it will be alright.

Sorry for the rant. I can't say anything to anyone in RL. So it helps to do it here.

Please phone up one of the women's drugs projects in the town in which your DN lives. If you can't find a drug project, try womens aid. Tell them that you have a family member who is Pg and ask about maternity services for women with special needs. They will give you details . Ask if women can self refer.

Write it all down and give it to your niece and her family.

These services are run by NHS staff who have expertise in working with women with addictions. They won't judge her. They have seen it all before.they won't be shocked.

It might be a clinic attached to a maternity hospital . It might just be one consultant and specialist midwife .

She either gets health care now, when they can help her make plans for the future. Or it's a crisis when she's in labour. She will be admitted onto a ward /labour suite with no idea of her history . They won't know that her baby might need to be in SCBU. This is very risky for her and the baby .

See, that's the thing MaryZ I don't know if we could keep the baby safe. They seem to think that we will just look after it but they will still be its "real" family.

So even with everything legal and signed, which I don't think she will do by the way, I can see there being a lot of knocking on our door expecting to see the baby, constant telephone calls and probably the rest of the family being told we have stolen her baby and won't let her have him/her back.

I've just spoken to my SIL on the phone, she has just told me again that whilst dn can't actually keep the baby she still wants to be mummy.
Well, that can't happen can it?

But then I think, how can we just say oh well, the baby will be better off in foster care then?

It is killing me to think that, but I can't see how we could foster or adopt a baby when she still wants to be mummy.
How confusing and hurtful would that be?
And she cant do it unless she gets some help, she just can't.

But no, SIL says SS are not to be involved. At all. And if anyone calls them they will just move and no one will ever see them again.

Tantrums

You are in a potentially dangerous situation now
And Maryz is absolutely right - you need to even take this baby out the equation...

The family are in a dream world... I was a midwife for 13yrs... Seen people move, drop in and out of care, turn up in labour, etc... If she presents ANYWHERE for care alarm bells will sound.

In someways what they do and the choices they make are down to them.

At this moment in time YOU and DH are the only people outside of the inner circle that know of this... What will happen if SS turn up? They will blame you and you have to consider your safety...

I can't even begin to say how high risk this all is and how far off the mark the family are. Concealing a birth / not notifying a birth is illegal for a start, that is if baby and mum even survive the birth - if they don't then the family could be up on a manslaughter charge because the concealment of this pregnancy is being orchestrated by a number of people, inc you...

I honestly do not know what I would do. I think I would report but I would be moving house... Seriously I would.

I think you need some real life advice to talk it through and the only people I can think of is NSPCC.

No it's not fair on anyone MaryZ especially not the baby.

DH is tearing his hair out, he doesn't want to lose his family but he can't stand by and watch it all happen.

It's a mess.

You're being blackmailed/manipulated, Tantrums. You are thinking about the welfare of the baby, but your SiL and DN are not, they're only thinking about themselves.

It should be your DH who steps up to the mark here. I appreciate that it's a difficult situation, but the pressure seems to be on you, as a woman, to take on board a caring role that's likely to be challenging/impossible. And they don't care about you, do they?

There is an alternative, and that's contacting the non-emergency police. It's likely that your niece will be known to them anyway as she's an illegal drug user. Give them the whole story, and they will contact social services. Then you can say honestly that it wasn't you that dobbed them in to the SS.

To be fair alcibiades DH has stepped up, I am just incredibly lucky to have MN as a place for advice and to vent and rage. So he is trying to sort things out, It may sound like its all on me but that because its me posting IYSWIM.

I feel like am getting pressurised to do special guardanship. what happens if I say no

I feel like am being pressured to do a sgo am I within my rights to say no?

Sorry Norman I don't know anything about this but this is a very old thread.I'm sure you will get more responses if you start a new thread.

Norman? Normsjm

Hi Normsjm, are you going to start a new thread? If not, I'll reply here - don't want to leave you without a response.

Most children adopted from care have some form of disadvantage problems through no fault of their own, Have looked after children for over 38 years seen many changes in this time, but can say one thing which has not changed the effect of permanency has on most children far out weighs most problems.

As for drugs and alcohol have looked after many of such children and again can say effects are NOT a direct science most children do NOT inherit related problems. Many problems have other significant reasons, In our 38 years none of our children who have had history's and gone onto adoption have had alcohol and drug related issues. 3 in 1000 birth in UK have alcohol issues so Adopted children would be in the minority. There are obvious children in the care system with these problems but one could say these are the LUCKY one's who's problem has been identified allowing care and support unlike the thousands outside of the system not getting support. Also FASD is a term use, a umbrella of many conditions Autism,aspburgers,adhd,sid's.etc. etc. which effect children with and without fasd.
We have adopted two FAS children from birth now adults so we speak with some knowledge also having worked for over 28 years in area of FAS and FASD. FAS children would show significant sighs at birth also would have probable significant congenital health conditions. low birth weight (1lb12oz in our dd for example) heart conditions, central nervous system dysfunctions, Webb feet, facial features .

One has too be very careful not too create a stigma around children whose parents have drug and alcohol issue's , as this is not a direct science that ALL their children will be effected, very few in fact are.