please can someone help

[crazeekitty]

I'm so very depressed. I don't know how I'm going to face the day. I don't know how to pretend to enjoy dd's company for the day. I've already had to deal with behaviour and it's still dark outside, I've got a headache which is cracking my skull open, I wish someone would press rewind and go back to when there was no small person dependent on me. Every day is a chore. I'm crap at being a mother and don't enjoy it. I'm just no fun at all. I'm dreading our adoption order and celebration hearing because I don't have anything to celebrate. I just want to hide and hope that I wake up and none of this has happened. Someone suggested I should disrupt the placement because my depression will be unhealthy for my lo. But I've made a commitment to her... Surely it gets better?

Please please don't be harsh with me. It will finish me off and I'll crumble. Please has someone else been through this? I don't know how much longer I can take it. I'm so so lonely and sit in tears most evenings after she's gone to bed.

Dd is an older child and we are about 6 months into placement .. just her and me. Everything they told me to expect with an adopted child has been thrown at me (lying, control, tantrums, regression, smacking, criticising me, hating me, etc etc etc) but the funny thing is all the bloody useless social workers said that they never expected such challenging behaviour from her.

Please can someone tell me how I can start enjoy being a mum? Surely I shouldn't disrupt because of feeling like this? Surely it will go away? But what if it doesn't?
That poor little kid upstairs has been passed from pillar to post and she's ended up with a miserable mummy who can't even remember why she wanted to be a mummy.

I don't know what to do.

Sending you a big hug xxxx

Just want to give you my best wishes too. It's great you've taken the step of going to the GP, this is not just the norm that you should accept and it's a sign of strength to ask for help. I'd personally file all the advice away on what to DO for once you are past this place of despair... The idea that. you have to fix the situation by doing x y or z just adds more pressure to yourself. There are some feelings and situations we can't fix by sheer effort, that's not failing or being a bad Mum, it's just how it is. I found when finding it hard not to resent my ds and then feeling guilty for it that the advice I read somewhere that whatever emotions you have are ok, feeling hopeless / angry / resentful etc. is ok.

Re the adoption order, I'd hold off making any decisions on the future right now and delaying the order should make it easier for your daughter to get support. Hopefully your social worker should be supporting you, adoption UK, number is on their website, have a helpline that may be useful. Other organisations in sure do too but that's the adoption one I know of.

Be very gentle to yourself, give yourself permission to have ready meals,ignore non essential housework, have a bath for 3 hours , whilst she's out / watching DVD etc. it's not a bad thing for your daughter to see you looking after you
Take care and I hope for better days ahead for you.

Just wanted to thank all the people who took the time to reply to me last weekend. I've taken the advice given and feel I have my head above water a little more today.

I am glad you are feeling better today crazee, take care of yourself & sending big hugs xxx

That's good news kitty

Thinking of you, crazee.

So glad to hear you are feeling better.
One day at a time.

Been thinking of you crazee - one day at a time x

OP, have you heard of post adoption depression?

www.childwelfare.gov/adoption/adopt_parenting/depression.cfm

Its very common. Im surprised you have not been offered more support from the LA.

Those things you feel - the overwhelming sense of pain, the guilt, the sadness at their harrowing experiences...you are not alone. This is not some inherent flaw in you, its because you are a compassionate person, you feel your child's pain and you are internalizing it. Hang in there.

I didn't see this before today

I'm so glad to hear today has been a bit better, and I am thinking of you x

How are you doing craze?
Thinking of you and hoping you are still hanging in there. x

Ty for asking. I've had a run of quite good days following a visit to gp. The ao papers are still sitting in the drawer because I've got a couple of battles to fight with ss before I sign them and I just need some breathing space.

Apart from that I've been making myself eat and have tried to get back into some hobbies I have. The loneliness is still overwhelming sometimes but the whole experience of being isolated on adoption leave has meant I can separate the wheat from the chaff with my friends.

And I'm finding dd's company easier and have a therapist lined up for her. I've also asked my mum for help and she's very happy to.

So yes, much better than last weekend thank you. Still a long way to go but we will get there. Thank you for asking.

Glad you feel a bit better Crazeekitty. Please keep talking to us when you need to

Hi Glad things are a tiny bit better. As Ghost say's please stay around and talk to us.
It's great your Mum will help and you have some therapy lined up. Do your adoption agency run any social groups for adopters (or children)? I have found them a life line - other people who just "get" what you are going through!
Remember you are not alone in what you are feeling.

Take care

Sending you all good wishes crazeekitty, hope the light at the end of the tunnel is shining a bit, and please come here and say if it's not. People on this board have helped me so much - having people out there who get what it's like to deal with a newly placed older child chucking everything they've got at you I find invaluable.