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Silly Questions

33 replies

Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2014 23:45

I need to do something to get ready. Please tell me your best answers to these silly questions.

  1. When you get matched at what point do you start to tell family/friends/any birth children, and when is it OK to show a photo to close family or reveal the name? I mean do you need to wait until you get to panel or is it OK to do it earlier?

  2. How likely is it the panel at matching will say no (statistics anyone, please) and what do you say to work in that crucial stage as things start to happen but you still don't have an actual date to go on adoption leave! Please?

  3. At what point do you start decorating a room or buying things?

    Wanting to get ready but can't yet! Hoping things will happen and when they do need to know how quickly I can do stuff.

    Non adopters welcome to respond but adopters am really keen to hear what you did when you adopted.
OP posts:
Devora · 24/01/2014 00:01

Hi ducks.

  1. I started telling people after social worker confirmed the link was on. It really is nearly 100% by then, and we ended up going to matching panel just a few days before introductions.

  2. I don't know statistics, but I would think it highly unlikely. I had the date of introductions agreed weeks before matching panel. I think the sequence of events was that dd's social worker visited us, then a few days later all confirmed by phone. They then returned for a second visit a week or so later with dd's fc, and at that visit they agreed which panel we should go to and when introductions should start. We then had a meeting at the agency's office to go through the detail of the introductions plan. So by the time we got to matching panel we were ready to go, I had informed work verbally. I just confirmed in writing and went off about a week later.

  3. I had actually moved house a few months before introductions, so the room was kind of ready. We moved dd1 out of her cotbed then, and moved it into the other room. I bought a buggy and nappies after we had been linked and before matching panel.
cosmos239 · 24/01/2014 00:07

I'll try to answer your points in turn as I understand it.

  1. you're not matched to a child until after matching panel, until then it's a link. We showed photo and told name etc to people after panel. Family knew we were going to panel but not the details of the child.
  2. think a no at panel is rare but don't know stats. After panel you get a matching certificate which it's what you need to give Work to give notice of your adoption leave. I had to give a months notice. I'd told my boss a few months before panel we were going through the process and an estimated time frame but I knew boss well.
  3. down to own preference, I bought and decorated nothing until panel which did leave a big rush before introductions. If I did it again is decorate room but leave finishing touches, borders, curtains, stickers till after matching. Hope this helps. All the best
piratedinosaursgogogo · 24/01/2014 00:14

We adopted our ds in 2009. As far as I recall,

  1. I think we showed our family and very close friends a picture when we had been linked, it was quite a grainy photocopy. When we were interviewed, I remember it was between us and another couple and the SW showed us a photo album of other photos. Sorry, I know that's not what you asked but you sparked a memory :-)

  2. I'm not sure about saying no at the matching panel. I was teaching and gave my work as much notice as possible in terms of dates etc Work was very prepared and had a supply teacher work alongside me for two weeks before matching panel. Matching panel was on the Wednesday, I left work on Thursday and intros started on the Monday.

  3. We didn't buy anything at all until we got the yes at matching panel. The room was already painted a suitable colour.

    Good luck.
Hels20 · 24/01/2014 05:11
  1. We shared a photo and brief history of the child with our parents and 2 closest friends before panel. People knew we were going through adoption and so if people asked how we were getting on, we said "oh, maybe we have found a child but nothing concrete. But if it happens it will be in the next few months. Even though, extremely rare (from what I hear) to be rejected at panel, didn't want to tempt fate).

    I told my best friend very early on as I used her as my "sounding board" - rather than my parents.

    We found our DS in August and weren't matched until November - and I told my parents in October. This was partly because I didn't want to be bombarded by questions/other people's excitement.

    We told our siblings and a couple of other friends after panel and then sent a round robin email once DS came to live with us - so after introductions. Reason being, I didn't want to be hounded by well meaning emails/texts "how is it going?" During introductions. One friend I broadened the net out to and told after panel but before introductions, took to calling me every other day - and I found it annoying (makes me sound harsh but intros were stressful enough and I just wanted to focus on DS and be with hubby and speak to one friend).

    Think what I am saying is - everyone is naturally excited for you but unless they have been adopters, they often have no idea how stressful it is for couple going through intros. So for that reason, I kept the number of people who knew a child was imminently going to be moving in with us v small.

  2. don't know stats but our SW said she would be "staggered" if match wasn't approved though obv couldn't give 100% guarantee.

  3. After we got date for panel, we started planning room - I bought some stickers for wall and new toddler bed and linens but that was it. Didn't really buy any toys as he came with a lot and was told children would be overwhelmed enough without lots of new things (now of course, he is spoilt rotten...)

    Hope that helps.
Moomoomie · 24/01/2014 08:58

With our older two children the process was all muddled, they have since changed a lot of the process.
We were told about the girls before they had a freeing order and before we had been approved...... A real no no nowadays.
This was in March, their freeing order was in April. We went to panel in May, or rather the SW took our case to panel, it was in the days before the prospective adopters attended panel.
I can't remember there being an actual matching panel, although there must have been one!
The girls came home in mid July.
So between march and July it was a very stressful time, we had to get the bedrooms ready and take photos for the girls book. We had to buy all the paraphernalia, which wasn't as exciting as it should be as we were still in limbo.
I think I gave work about 3-4 weeks notice, even though my manager knew we were going through the process. But no body needed to be trained to do my job!
I remember telling my mum as soon as we had heard about the girls, so she had a long wait with us! Other people not until we had a definite yes.

Italian..... All this waiting must be so difficult, as it strikes me from your posts that you are a planner and like to know what is happening. I really do hope you get the right match soon.

Moomoomie · 24/01/2014 09:03

And with dd3 I remember coming off the phone to the SW ( she phoned to tell us that BM had had another baby) and phoning my DH at work, I was so excited I was a bit incoherent on the phone to him. When he got off the phone a colleague of his asked if he was ok, DH replied " I suppose I've just been told we are having another baby "
I think I phoned the majority of my friends that same day. I was very excited.
There were one or two people not happy for us,
Which was really disappointing.

TrinnyandSatsuma · 24/01/2014 09:40


  1. We told our close family and one close friend when we had a link. We didn't tell anyone his name until we had a date for panel and were about 4 weeks away from panel. For us, keeping his name a secret meant we could share the news, but keep something back. We had a photo which we showed people nearer panel, but not in the very early days. We got asked LOADS of questions about his background and history - some very intrusive, but all very innocently asked I suppose. We decided as soon as we read his CPR that we would not discuss any of it, with anyone. We have stuck to that religiously.

  2. I told my boss as soon as we had a link (which was 4 months before he actually arrived). He's known about the process we have been in since before prep group and home study though. From the point we were linked, we worked on the assumption it would happen, but never really believed it, if that makes sense. But we had to begin making plans, otherwise we would have had just days notice! Between panel and introductions we had just under 3 weeks. I finished work one day after panel, but had been planning to do that for 4 months, since the link.

  3. We decorated his room once linked, then met his foster carers and re-painted it in his favourite colour! I think it's a good idea if you can, to wait till you meet the foster carers. They will give you so much insight into what the child likes. We bought very little. Just furniture for his room (his bed arrived about 2 days before introductions!!!!), a few games, pots of playdoh etc. He arrived with boxes and boxes of toys, a full set of clothes, bedding etc. We have actually bought very little else as we didn't want him to feel we were rejecting all of his things and replacing them with new ones. Once we had been to panel, I thought I'd be really excited......I got the fear big time, and just went into 'batton down the hatches' mode ready for introductions. Filled the freezer with food, stocked up on essentials, de-cluttered the house etc.

    Enjoy this time if you can - I look back at the pre-child days quite fondly now. We made the most of our last few child-free weeks (Although I think you have a BC from memory), but we went out for dinner, had lots of lie ins, late nights and as much sex as possible!! All those things are a thing of the past now :-)
Happiestinwellybobs · 24/01/2014 09:42
  1. I showed my parents DD's photo after we had met with DD's FC and SW. I also showed a couple of friends. I also told them her name. I don't know where the feeling came from but as soon as I read her profile I knew she was ours. I still to this day don't know whether any other families were being considered. Her FC made me feel that this was absolutely the right match.

2. I don't know the statistics (sorry) but sure we wouldn't have been taken to panel if they hadn't been 99.9% certain. I told work at every stage - it's that kind of company. Once we were linked we started the recruitment. Offered an interim on the basis that it was dependant on a final 'yes' at panel.
3. We decorated after our approval panel and bought furniture. We were approved for a girl 0-4 so had an idea of what we needed - although we bought a single bed, and then had to go out and get a cot! We also bought some clothes (some of which are still too big!)

We used our "day off" during the week we met DD to source the foods she liked and right size nappies etc.

I'm a planner - I don't like last minute things. So hence me writing a handover file for work straight after we had been approved. But I was also worried about what the SW might think; whether she would think us too confident of the outcome. As it was I think she thought our enthusiasm was okay :)

It's a fine line with what to tell people. My colleagues at work all knew and were so supportive, but having said that they threw me a baby shower before matching panel. Whilst I loved it and they were incredibly generous, there was a little bit of me that thought "what if something happens and they say no".

Hope that helps a bit.
Maiyakat · 24/01/2014 12:51
  1. I started telling people after I had met DD's SW and they had decided to go ahead with the link. I was too excited not to!

  2. Again no stats but I don't know of anyone who got a no at matching panel. I told work as above, they started looking for my adoption leave cover but knew it wouldn't be definite until after panel. Thankfully my post was covered internally so it wasn't a major issue if plans changed.

  3. I had do most of the buying and room sorting before panel, as I only had 7 days until intros and I worked 5 of those! So I decorated the room and bought things but left them in the boxes and kept the receipts, just in case....

    I also has a baby shower before panel - no time after!
Meita · 24/01/2014 13:25

That radio programme linked to the other day, about adopters not being told vital information about their prospective children, included a case where the adopters didn't get some important information, but insisted on receiving it and in the end, days before matching panel, threatened to cancel panel if they didn't receive the test results in question. Then it turned out that the tests hadn't actually been done, and in the end the adoption didn't go through.
This is not the matching panel saying no, but the adopters pulling out at/just before matching panel. Which is probably equally rare if not more so! Just to give another slant to all this.

Good luck with the waiting! Ah, I'd been hoping that I'd hear about a potential link for you soon, but now I'm thinking you will probably be springing a 'we're going to matching panel tomorrow' on us randomly and without warning… ;)

MyFeetAreCold · 24/01/2014 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:32

Moomoomie my dear - Italian..... All this waiting must be so difficult, as it strikes me from your posts that you are a planner and like to know what is happening. I really do hope you get the right match soon.

YES, YES, and double YES! I hate being in the dark!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:35

(Moomoomie* you said "There were one or two people not happy for us,
Which was really disappointing." I want to shout WTF but I am too polite (F is for Frak, in the words of Howard Wolowitz from The Big Bang Theory!)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:37

TrinnyandSatsuma I like the sound of decluttering and lots of lie ins, I am not sure I am up to the sex!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:38

Hels20 thanks it must be quite recent for you.

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RabbitRabbit78 · 24/01/2014 20:39
  1. we told close family and very close friends but were a bit tentative until it was all signed and sealed.
  2. we were told they may defer if all the info wasn't in place because they want to make sure that adopters have been given every bit of information possible in order to make a decision (and avoid a disruption down the line). A no is very, very unlikely.
  3. we had decorated the room in neutral colours as we were approved for 0-3 of either sex, and had (literally) 2 toys. As soon as we were matched we started buying but waited for some things until we met the foster carers as we wanted to keep as much the same as possible (cot, buggy, high chair etc etc). Difficult to sit in your hands when the nesting instinct kicks in though!
Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:39

Thanks so much Devora, cosmos239 and piratedinosaursgogogo the room is very neutral, I think we will just get posters up once we know what they will be of. The curtains and carpet and wardrobe are all neutral so it needs lots of colour.

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Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:42

Happiestinwellybobs what's the exact difference between linked and matched, please? Og my goodness baby shower! How exciting and yet my nerves would make me think I would rather wait until after panel for it!!!

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Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:44

Meita, my dear, I'd been hoping that I'd hear about a potential link for you soon, but now I'm thinking you will probably be springing a 'we're going to matching panel tomorrow' on us randomly and without warning… ;) thanks what a kind thing to say! Thanks

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Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 20:46

Rabbit how lovely. I wonder what those 2 toys were?

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Happiestinwellybobs · 24/01/2014 22:28

italian. The link is the initial contact made regarding a certain child(ren). Once the link is made, you are given more information about the child. If you decide to proceed, then go to matching panel and receive your matching certificate.

So as soon as we got the call and met with DD's SW, we advertised my job :) We met DD exactly 2 months after that first phone call.

Sadoldbag · 24/01/2014 22:58

1- we only told people after we gone to matching panel I sent out a announcement card to only refances knew.we didn't want every one on us every five minutes about it also didn't want any negative comments people jut pretty much had to get on board.

2- you ay get deferred but that's not the same as getting a no

3 once you got a yes at matching panel can't decorate if you don't know what child's coming


Italiangreyhound · 24/01/2014 23:17

What does once you got a yes at matching panel can't decorate if you don't know what child's coming mean? The matching panel for the specific child I mean, or do you mean you don't know their personality yet?

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RabbitRabbit78 · 25/01/2014 20:24

They were the 2 things we couldn't resist, a Happyland vet play set and a set of wooden building blocks... Which looking back are very representative of me and DH!

Sadoldbag · 25/01/2014 20:31

Yes sorry ment don't decorate until you have had a yes at the matching panel because before then you can't quite be sure who your decorating for.

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