Sleeping issues - 2 year old

[Hels20]

Not sure whether to post this here, or in the sleeping section.

DS has been with us for almost 2 months. He is generally, a very happy child. He is just over 2.5 years old and is an only child.

He was removed late one evening from BM and subsequently lived with a brilliant foster family - although they said that his sleeping was always bad. Maybe because of his background/circumstances of his removal.

Anyway, when he moved in with us, after a couple of unsettled nights, amazingly, he slept right through. DH and I couldn't believe our luck (I just feel dreadful if I have not had enough sleep and also really struggle to go back to sleep if I am woken).

However, the last ten days, things have changed…

DS now wakes at least twice during the night. To start with, we could just hear him saying "no, no" and after a few seconds he would quieten, with no need for me to go up and see him. But now, he is waking literally screaming and in floods of tears. When I go in, he immediately calms - sometimes I have to walk around his room with him (and his head resting on my shoulder) but other times, he is just happy to snuggle back under the covers.

Reading about night terrors, I am not sure these are night terrors.

Has anyone else experienced this where initially -for at least 5 to 6 weeks, their DC slept well but then suddenly every night time was affected.

I can't function very well on the lack of sleep. And at this age, children need parents to have their energy because they are so energetic…

I feel very drained. DH is good and gives me a bit of a lie in at the weekends but we are coming up to a period where he has to travel a bit with work and I am dreading it...

Shame, it sounds as if he has nightmares. Does he have a soft toy to sleep with and a night light?

Maybe you should post under the Sleep topic as well.

Thanks - yes, he has a night light and plenty of soft toys that sit at the end of his bed (and 2 special ones he cuddles).

I have a 2 year old DS and, whilst he is not adopted he is a crap sleeper :). He probably sleeps through about 50% of the time but when he's awake, like last night, he's awake for about 3 hours at a time.

As tough as it is, I've had 2 years of horrendous sleep so I'm used to it; I imagine it's really tough if you've only done it for 5 weeks - it's like the newborn days without a newborn.

If he settles when you're there can he sleep with you, either in your bed or in a bed in your room? Or can you set up a bed in his room? Sometimes you just need to do whatever gets you all the most sleep.

I can promise you that your body does get used to it and it's completely possible to function normally on 4-5 hours sleep a night when you adjust. And I keep reminding myself that one day he will be a teenager and I won't be able to get him out of bed for love nor money!

If he calms when you go in I would doubt very much if they are night terrors. They really arent aware of night terrors.

DS was very similar - regressing after being home a little while, I'll post again later - on my way out now.

Thanks Kew. Thanks also Pottering About. I am actually reluctant to start sleeping in his room - we have a pretty good routine and getting him to sleep (about 7pm to 7.30pm) and don't want to upset it. Also - when I give him a little cuddle and kiss him, he is quite happy to be left on his own to go to sleep. So me being in his room I don't think will help - and it won't really help me sleep... (We did think about sleeping in his room but I would then worry about trying to break the precedent.)

He does settle as soon as he sees me (and it has to be - DH has tried and it increases his agitation). Poor little mite. It is so distressing to hear.

I'm not an adopter and so this may well not be very helpful, but just wondering if a toddler alarm clock might help. If you Google "gro clock" you will see what I mean. I have one for my son but not tried yet as he is too small. I wonder whether it wud help him to know feel safer if he knows when it is night time and when day time.

I'm sure the wise adopters on here can advise re response, I'm guessing it's important you go to him quickly. In which case I can confirm you do get used to awful sleep, it really is the pits, but a very normal (and I've decided amnesic part) of being a mum.

Hope it goes well. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

You are doing exactly the right thing, you are building up a good attachment, if I was you, I wouldn't post in the sleep section, because many people don't understand the differences in parenting an adopted child.
Keep going in to him, keep reassuring him that everything is ok that you are there, that you will always be there.
It is still very early days for you all as a family, he is beginning to trust you now, keep doing everything in your power for him to develop that trust.
It is very demanding and draining but continue the good work.

You will probably find that you get used to the broken nights tbh!!! I would get into the habit of going to bed a bit earlier yourself.

My friends dd had night terror issues and she put a bottle of lavender water beside the bed which she called magic spray to keep away bad dreams... She got her dd to spray it before bed and if she woke up with bad dreams. Worked for her..

Doesn't sound like night terrors as he is easily comforted when you go in.

I think it's three steps forward, two steps back with settling in. Eg DD ate everything we gave her at first, but as she began to understand she was with us forever, and as she became more attached and secure she started to challenge us and seek control where possible.

I'm sorry I don't have any words of advice other than sticking with it and perhaps verbalising: when she's upset , DD finds it comforting to be told "we love you and we will always love you". You might not feel ready to say that , but perhaps there's something else (along the lines of being safe and not going anywhere else??) you can say?

Ps you will find yourself learning to cope with sleep deprivation, I promise

it is so difficult getting used to broken nights, and at least a new born will sleep during the day. I used to say that I felt like a hostage, I had so little control of what would happen in the night
as random says, I got in the habit of going to bed at 8pm. it was rubbish, but it meant I could function, and actually only lasted a few weeks. may be your best bet when your husband goes away.
good luck, I really sympathise.

I think there are two issues here: One being your DS, his sleeping, his insecurities and fears and needs. The other being you, and your need to sleep, and perhaps your need for reassurance and the knowledge of a light at the end of the tunnel.
So your DS first. There are numerous 'tricks' and little things you can try, but to me it sounds a bit like a good sign: Only because he is becoming attached to you, does he fear losing you, and hence panics when waking up alone. He has become attached enough to fear losing you, but not secure enough yet (how could he?) to be confident that you will always be there. If that is it, then there is not really much you can do, except always reinforcing that you are there when he needs you. Only time will let him grow confident of that.
Now, you: Firstly, no matter what you do, there will always be days when you are totally exhausted. Try to be realistic and see those days as WIT days… whatever it takes. It might not be your vision of parenting, but sometimes needs must, and if you need a sofa day with the TV on, that won't hurt anyone in the long run.
But overall, you need to be able to function. Whereas it is true that you will get used to sleep deprivation, it is also true that this comes at a cost (higher risk of depression, 'baby-brain', loss of confidence, stress on relationships…) and in the long run, that will cost your DS too, IMO. So if you can find ways to maximise sleep, use them. Be it earlier bedtimes, 'sleeping when the baby sleeps' - does he still nap? Can you catch daytime sleeps? That's more important than keeping on top of the housework. Or, what works for us but won't for everyone, sleeping in the same room/co-sleeping. (Actually DS goes to sleep in his own bed/room but moves to ours at some point in the night) If he panics when he wakes up alone in the night, then maybe 'rooming in' would help. He would panic less, go back to sleep easier and sooner, which would be good for him; AND your sleep would be much less disrupted. IMO and for us, that is miles more important than some routine which would involve neither of us sleeping enough.
I understand that routines can be exceptionally important. But in your situation, I would ask myself, why exactly do we need this routine? What is it's benefit, what the downside, and weigh it up.
Many people want good bedtime/sleeping routines for their children because that is how they maximise their own sleep. Fair enough, if it works for you! But if you find that the routine that is meant to maximise your own sleep is actually more of an obstacle than anything else, in my house it would go out of the window in a blink. I do cherish my sleep much too much ;)

I've had problems with DS's sleep for years until quite recently (he's 8) we had a honeymoon period for about 6 months where he seemed to sleep OK in his own bed although was difficult to get to sleep and did wake in the night. I had to use the gradual withdrawal method to get him to sleep.

Then post honeymoon period all holy hell broke loose. He couldn't get to sleep, he couldn't stay asleep, he woke up early. And since then its pretty much always been the thing that goes first when he is anxious.

I'm afraid I resolved it in the end by co-sleeping! For a long time. But in DS's case it was very obvious to me that his sleep problems were caused by separation anxiety and that making him sleep alone was making it worse not better.

We gradually moved from full on co-sleeping (even with me lying down with him unitl he fell asleep) , to putting him to bed in my bed with me not going to sleep with him, to him going to bed in his own bed but getting up and into mine at about midnight then when he was about 7 he transitioned back to his own bed totally and pretty much hasn;t moved from it since.

I'm not sure there's any magic answer other than going in and reassuring him that you are there when he wakes (they sound like nightmares to me not terrors whch he would be unaware of). I told DS he could always get into bed with me any time he needed me and ironically I slept much better after that because I stopped waking up when he got in once I was used to it!

I'm not sure thats terribly helpful but I'm sure you know that sleep is one of the problem areas for many adopted children - nights can be long and dark and scary when unsettling things have happened to you. It just may be a case of persevering until it improves if you don;t want to let him get in bed with you.

The only thing I would caution is that I wish I had considered co-sleeping at a much earlier stage, I'm convinced that it helped DS enormously in the long run.

We have had a few sleep issues. They tend to come and go. I always stayed with ds until he was asleep when he first came home, then like kew used gradual withdrawal. This worked very well. I spent a lot of evenings lying on the floor ny his cot!
He has been with us 18months now. At the moment he sleeps through the night but I have had to go back to staying with him until he is asleep. We tried doing rapid return but he just thinks it a big game! and thinks it the funniest thing ever to keep getting out of bed. If he wakes at night I usually give him a cuddle for a bit then sneak back to bed if not I just give up and get in his bed he goes bacl to sleep a lot quicker like this and other wise it just be comes a battle.
Good luck it will get better.

Thanks everyone for your replies. After a horrendous night on Sunday night, Monday night was much better - and I feel I could cope if it is only once during the night.

Spoke to DS's SW and she thinks it could be a regression thing.

Kew your experience makes for sobering/scary reading. I really hope this is sorted in a couple of months rather than years...

We did very similar to Kew, a lot of co sleeping, sitting with them until they fall asleep.
Six year old dd3 will still come into our bed every night, she goes off to sleep in her bed then will come in to us about 12- 1, snuggle down between us and fall back to sleep.
She gets "very lonely on her own" so it is a form of separation anxiety.
We are happy to continue this until she wants to stop as we really want to promote a good attachment.
I know a few adopters with teenage children, like my older two.
Many of these have attachment disorders and a few have been in trouble with the police etc. so in my mind I'm trying to put the ground work in now. If you understand what I mean.

I'm really interested in the co-sleeping thing with adoption. Would anyone be able to say whether their SWs knew/said anything about it?

My social worker never said anything negative about it. I suppose if there was a history of sexual abuse they might not advise it.
My social worker was very positive about anything that would build attachment.
My ds wasn't cuddley at all for the first six months he was with us, but now he jumps straight in to bed with us every morning and gives is both a massive cuddle

Also my friend who adopted a slightly older child asked her social worker if it was ok to bath together. Her child kept asking to get in the bath with her.
The social worker said it was fine.

Namechanged.... It is not something we really spoke about with the SW especially with our first two girls, we adopted them 12 years ago and I went against a lot of SW and hv advice, they told me not to sit with them at night, do not let them into our beds, stop the bottle of milk dd1 ASAP. I continued to do all of these things because I wanted to have a good attachment,( attachment was not talked about so much 12 years ago!!)
So, when dd3 came home 6 years ago I kept quiet about a lot of things

I have not adopted. But my DS woke in the night regularly until he was about 2.5, that was just developmentally normal for him. It may be that with the disruption of moving homes and as someone said above it's apparently quite common that the more difficult behaviours tend to come out when the child is feeling more settled, that this is a transition kind of thing and it will pass. Or his normal developmental need for reassurance at night may continue a little longer than it would in non-adopted children, because he's had such a lot to process in his short little life.

With DS I used to keep the doors open and tell him that if he needed me in the night he could come through and he did. The morning wake up, which started at about 1-2am, became later and later until eventually he slept through.

I would say, worry less about setting precedents, and worry more about what would make him feel secure and get you all the maximum amount of sleep NOW. You may be right that sleeping in with him wouldn't help, but don't discount it just because of a bedtime routine, is all I wanted to say.

I didn't think my story was particularly scary! Although I know that you don't want to hear that this is an issue and may be an issue for some time, actually co-sleeping was a good solution for both of us and has worked. I was sorry I persevered for long long at keeping him in his own bed, he was insecure and he needed to be held and comforted and tbh 10 mins in the middle of the night just wasn't enough for him (though perhaps it will be for your DS).

I don;t even recall whether I spoke to SW about it - it seemed natural and normal and by the time it started I felt enough like his mother to not need an opinion/permission to do it!

I agree with Bertie - we have a great bedtime routine but I still climbed into ds's single bed at 2am this morning becauS he was awake and we were back asleep in 5 mins!

You might find Elizabeth Pantley books helpful. I found them the only sleep books which were at all appropriate for an adopted child.