Not really liking BM at the moment, or feeling the whole 'adoption is an act of love' garbage

[adoptmama]

Which about sums it up really. Stuck in hosptial with DD2. Again. Having tests done on neuro. stuff. Again.

DD2 stuck with physical, neuro and developmental problems because BM apparently liked a wee drink or two whilst pregnant.

Do get so, so fed up of the whole 'she let you be adopted because she loved you' bullshit. No she didn't. She gave birth and left as soon as she could get dressed. Didn't stick around for you or your many siblings. Ever. For one minute.

Don't really care at the moment what happened in her life to get her to that point. Fact she keeps doing it to her multiple kids..... incomprehensbily selfish to me.

DD1 - no bio relation to DD2 - struggling to understand 'why she didn't keep me for even a little while.'

I know it is not all BMs, but it is ours. And I get so tired of the perceived wisdom that all BMs loved their children 'so much' they 'wanted' them to be adopted.

Not exactly a very positive post, I know, but since I am yet again stuck with dealing with helping my kids deal with the very, very real emotional and physical impacts that adults choices made on their lives.....

It's hard
It's just hard
and I understand xxx

Our situation is different, in that I know DD2's mum does love her for certain, but I also have struggled so much living with DD's emotional, behavioural, developmental and mental health issues....and the abuse disclosures and the scars and everything else....I get angry, really angry, sometimes. And I also feel compassion for mum and worry, and a whole host of other things. I didn't realise that was possible. No one told me adoption would be this complicated!

It's okay to be angry. And you don't have to tell your children that their birth mum did x because she felt y. If you don't know how she was feeling, it's maybe more honest to say 'I don't know why she did x'

I get it x

I get it too. (I'm an adoptee, albeit a 41-year-old one!).

Have you read Betty Jean Lifton's book on adoption? - it's on Amazon I think .... I'm slowly making my way through it, tear-jerking but spot-on.

You are doing the right thing in acknowledging that your daughters' lives are affected by what their BMs and BDs have done. My parents never acknowledged this, it was all "you're lucky your BM loved you so much that she gave you away even though she didn't want to" rubbish ....

There's another book called "The Primal Wound" which I can't face reading yet but apparently it is brilliant

Hang in there. You sound like a fab mum! X

adoptmama I'm not an adoptive parent, so have no right to say anything, I guess, but when I read your post all I could think of is that you are loving your DD enough to give her as positive view of her past as you can muster, so that she can live her 'now' and her future without dwelling on her past. You are giving her a gift of hope.

I think you're amazing

I get it too, it's so flipping unfair. Our BM had her 6th (count 'em) child in Jan 13, he was taken in to care, she went to court to get him back and judge put him back into her care in late November. No matter that 5 children were taken at the one time from her because of appalling conditions, home alone scenarios etc - you all know the sad stories.

But worse, now I have to somehow tell my beautiful DS and DD that even though they've been told for ever that BM is too poorly to look after them, somehow she's not too poorly to look after this new baby. I will have to pick up the pieces when their self-esteem goes down the toilet and they wonder what was 'wrong with them' that they had to leave the BM along with their siblings.
Sorry, probably not helping you adoptmama!!! When it all gets too much for me I immerse myself in my amazing, brave and beautiful children - in the end they're the only thing that matters and I'll do anything I can to protect them from more trauma and pain.
xxxxx

I understand - I never tell DS that his BM "loved him so much that she gave him up" even though in her case she didn't do anything to harm him and I have to assume that she wanted him to have a chance at a healthy life as she went to a hospital when she went into labour prematurely.

But I don't want him to think that someone who loved him "so much" chose to leave him at the hospital, that I will ever do that to him. He needs to be secure in my love and even if that means I'm not ever able to say in quite those words that his BM "loved" him which may be unfair to her, his needs outweigh hers.

I do say that she felt unable to care for him and how unlucky she was to feel that she had so few choices that she couldn't choose to keep him I can at least say that I feel that she must have cared for him and wanted him to have a healthy life because she did make some good choices.

I at least have that much to offer him.

aboyandagirl - I would stick with - she couldn't look after you at that point and babies can't wait for people to get their shit together (I'm paraphrasing )

Just too you are not alone can join our Adoptive Mum's support see list at UK support groups at www.fasaware.co.uk also has just received MBE for their work.

Kewcumber - I just had a lightbulb moment while reading your post!

You're right, and that explains why I was constantly afraid that I would be "handed back" to the hospital as a child - because I was told that my BM gave me up because she loved me. Gah.

X

Glad to be of help... I think!

I hope it helps to talk to adopters who have more recently adopted than your parents because there is so much more help for adopters today in learning what to say to your DC's and also forums like MN which allow adopters and adoptees to connect provide invaluable support and advice where once people would never have openly discussed adoption.

Yes, Kewcumber, it does help, thank you x

Adopt mama-how old are your children? At some point you will need to start being more honest with them ( in an age appropriate way of course )

Under your circumstances I would not be telling them that they were adopted because their BM loved them so much. Apart from the fact that it's not the, when you tell them that YOU love them, they might think that you will do the same .

Agree, load of bollocks
My DD's BM is unusual in that she had a good education and career and was not from a dysfunctional family
She is very clever and manipulative but incapable of putting any ones needs before her own
She is so articulate and plausible it is frightening

Adopt mama -do you live in the USA or are you American? I was wondering because I know there is a belief in American adoption circles that a child's self esteem will suffer irrevocably if they are not brought up believing that their birth parents loved them so much that they made an adoption plan.

I get it too. It is hard.

Although I do say to dd, "x and y [birth parents] loved you but they weren't able to look after you" I wouldn't say "They loved you so much that...". it idealises the birth parents and I think makes it inevitable that my dd will turn round in future years and ask, "If they loved me so much why couldn't they get their shit together? If they loved me so much why was it that when I was in special care - as a result of their actions - they didn't bother to visit me? If they loved me so much why do they never write?" And how do I answer that?

Although I would never say her birth parents don't love her, I also want her to understand that there is a link between love and actions. I want her to feel confident that I love her an extraordinary amount, so much that I will always be here for her, always look after her, always love her. I do think they need to know that your forever family offers you a special kind of love.

I'm depressed to read that pernicious load of tish is still being peddled. Are adopted children still supposed to be grateful too?
Afraid I have no words of wisdom adoptmama but you sound ace - best wishes to you and your kids.
Kewcumber you are always wise on this topic .
MrsMcenroe sounds like we are in similar places, do pm me if you'd like to.

thanks all. bit a stressful few days and glad to know I am not alone in feeling this way. Special thanks to Kewcumber for giving me ways to put my feelings into words which will help the kids. KristinaM no, not American :) and agree it is more harmful to make up fantasties than give an honest 'I don't know'. If children think the best act of love is to give them away, what will they think I will do?

Mrs McEnroe thank you for your perspective. Will look for the first book you mentioned. Read the Primal Wound a few years ago and have to say, whilst there are some things in it I agee wholeheartedly with, my overwhelming opinion of the book was negative and the 'research' was very flawed.

Anyhoo, today is a new day :) Onward and upward I guess as there is not really any other direction to go in.

I'm an adoptee - my BM has just been in touch looking for money, not even a "How are you...", just "I need money...", she only gets in touch when she has a crisis. I'm fed up and don't think I want any more contact with her. I don't owe her anything, contrary to what she thinks.

I won't be telling my Mum about this, it will really upset her. She supported me in finding BM (years ago). I'm glad that I did because it made me realise how great my Mum is and what a shitbag BM is. I feel no connection at all with BM, whereas people are always commenting on how alike me & my Mum are.

OP - carry on being a wonderful Mum to your DD.

Mrs HB, I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things are with your birth mum. It's so hard isn't it?

You give them one more chance, because you feel guilty about what happened in the past. Even though you had no choice in the matter.

Or you feel guilty because their life is a mess and you have such a happy family.

And you go on hoping they will show just one tiny flicker of concern for you or empathy or interest . Because all mothers love their children, don't they? . But it never seems to happen and you just feel used again :-(

I think MrsHappyBee (and KristinaM) it just shows that you have "normal" reactions, feeling guilt, wanting people to behave well and in a caring way. Because thats what you do because you behave in a normal caring way yourself.

You are projecting your perfectly normal reasonable expectations onto someone that doesn't feel them in the same way. And no, I agree you don't owe her anything, in fact I would say that you have already delivered more than you "owe".

Relationships are two way, you would leave a partner who treated you like this because it not a mutual relationship.

It's a hard one. I think we are slightly more likely to hear that DS's birth mum has got her act together to parent a new child than we are to have very serious medical issues but even the mild ones he has may have been caused by her smoking. And I'm pretty sure we won't ever have to say "she did love you and that isn't why she's parenting the new baby but not you".

But I think our line is more "she knew she couldn't look after you and that's why she chose adoption for you". But even then you still have the difficult issue of "why didn't she do the simple things she should have done so that she COULD look after you".

Dr -I guess it's because some people have so many problems in their lives, health problems, addictions, learning difficulties, bad partners or parents, difficult living situations -that they can't even look after themselves, let alone a tiny baby.

And things that seem simple to one person can seem impossible to someone else . People often feel they are trapped and helpless, even when someone outside the situation can see that do have choices.

Look at the threads on mumsnet with women who feel they cannot leave a violent relationship. Its easy to say LTB. It's not so easy when you are in the middle of it .

Oh I understand that Kristina. But I'm not 5. These things aren't going to seem so complicated to a child. To a child, if their birth mum had done X then she could have looked after them, so why didn't she do X.

You are right dr s. There is no good reason . All you can say is that it's very hard to understand and it's ok to be angry or upset. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.

I have just joined and think this is an interesting thread. I am an adopter and alternate from feeling sorry for BM (very young, generational SS involvement, was exploited....) but then extremely angry and emotional over her treatment of my AD in the first few weeks of life. My AD is only 2, will I be telling her that BM loved her so much that she gave her up? In a word. No. I will tell her that BM did not have the greatest of role models re:parenting and so was unable to put the needs of AD before her own.

My view is that some SW's views need to change as I do believe they think that 'they were given up for adoption' out of love. My AD's SW felt sorry for BM and in the life story book has written statements such as: you moved To a different FC placement to be nearer to your 'mummy' (err excuse me?), the judge said your mummy was very brave (errr she physically, verbally and emotional abused a young infant), your 'mummy loved you etc etc. I am all for empathy and understanding, like I previously mentioned i do sympathise with BM, but the statements that I have mentioned will only add to confusion. Like somebody stated, the needs of AD and her bond and attachment to us far out weighs everything else. Suffice to say I will be re-doing her life story book and write this in a more appropriate way.

This is all very timely for us. Dd1 aged 8 is just starting to Disneyfy her mother (and villianise her BD).

Getting the balance between sharing the message of BM loving DD but not taking care of her is tough.
I did tell DD tonight to be careful that she does not confuse 'what she wished it was like' with 'what it really was like', because she and her siblings were put into FC because her parents did not keep her safe.

Cannot help but feel that will bite me in the arse even if it is the right thing to say.