Not really liking BM at the moment, or feeling the whole 'adoption is an act of love' garbage

[adoptmama]

Which about sums it up really. Stuck in hosptial with DD2. Again. Having tests done on neuro. stuff. Again.

DD2 stuck with physical, neuro and developmental problems because BM apparently liked a wee drink or two whilst pregnant.

Do get so, so fed up of the whole 'she let you be adopted because she loved you' bullshit. No she didn't. She gave birth and left as soon as she could get dressed. Didn't stick around for you or your many siblings. Ever. For one minute.

Don't really care at the moment what happened in her life to get her to that point. Fact she keeps doing it to her multiple kids..... incomprehensbily selfish to me.

DD1 - no bio relation to DD2 - struggling to understand 'why she didn't keep me for even a little while.'

I know it is not all BMs, but it is ours. And I get so tired of the perceived wisdom that all BMs loved their children 'so much' they 'wanted' them to be adopted.

Not exactly a very positive post, I know, but since I am yet again stuck with dealing with helping my kids deal with the very, very real emotional and physical impacts that adults choices made on their lives.....

Miss F, I think telling the truth , in a loving and age appropriate way, is a good thing. I'm sure it's hard for her to hear. But allowing her to believe a fairy tale isn't helpful or right . And will be very damaging to her in the long term.

There feels something inherently wrong in criticising someone's parents, even if factually correct. Silly English upbringing :D

I think you need to get out of the mindset that "couldn't keep you safe" is a criticism rather than a statement of fact.

In some ways DS's story is more straightforward than most - relinquished on day of birth so no neglect/abuse. But he has focused on "how long did she spend with me". He's asked f it makes me sad (which I assume is a projection) and I say that yes it does make me sad because I think its sad that she didn't feel that she had any other choices.

Perhaps you could give some more neutral reasons why people (not necessarily her BM in particular) can;t keep people safe... that they didn't learn how from their parents, that they don't have a supportive family, that they might have a problem with alcohol or drugs which very often makes people unable to think properly etc.

I'm not sure its helpful but I agree with Kristina that although going through a fantasy stage is quite normal it doesn;t do them any favours in the long run to beleive something that is obviously not true.

that they didn't learn how from their parents, that they don't have a supportive family, are the areas we concentrate on.

I am OK with it Kew - not really looking for advice just sharing how uncomfortable it all is. Needing to be honest when you know it will hurt - it's a bummer

yes I understand - I was thrown when DS asked me this week "exactly how much time did she spend with me". Of course the reality is I don't know but certainly not more than a few hours.

Kew-my birth mother didn't see me at all, she was advised not to. Given that she had already decided to place me for adoption, that was considered to be the best thing for everyone . No danger of her changing her mind etc

So your Dss BM might have spend only a little time with him but not through her own choice. Most women who have just given birth are not really in a position to argue with people in authority who are telling them what to do. You are frightened, in pain, exhausted, emotional and hormonal. So I can't imagine what it's like for a women who knows she she won't be able to keep her baby

I know these are quite complex things to explain to an 8yo, but he is smart and sensitive . He needs to know that any " choices " she made were not made in a vacuum

Yes I have talked to him about how scared she probably was that she would be discovered and how she probably felt she had no other choice and how she may have been "encouraged" to leave quickly. Though to be fair I don't think Kaz is particularly institutional about single mothers, its not likely that the hospital would have expected her to leave quickly probably I suspect more that she was scared of being discovered by her parents.

He also knows we are lucky to live in a society that doesn't pressurise single mothers anymore and that one day Kaz will probably the same but at that moment she probably did the best she could in what was probably a scary situation for her.

Talking of fantasy - I think I fantasise more about finding his BM than he does

MrsHappyBee thanks for sharing your own story.

DD2s BM walked out of the hospital 2 hours after giving birth and never looked back. Even when she said she would oppose adoption when finally tracked down, she followed thru on none of the necessary (small) steps required of her. Made zero effort to have any contact with DD during first 9 months of her life. Literally nothing. Multiple siblings all abandoned too in exact same way. No way can I give DD her story in a way which suggests anything other than disinterested abandonment because that's what is was. I suppose what I can do is just go with the facts and say 'I don't know' to the why's - which is true as I don't. But it makes for a very negative yet empty life story. So many holes she may fill in with fantasy. So many holes to hurt her.
DD1 suddenly fixating on bio-brother (probably half brother actually though we haven't breached that part of it). I guess because she has her (Adopted)sister (no bio relation) at home she doesn't ask about bio sister.
Second guess myself constantly. Did I tell DD1 about brother and sister too young (when she was 5 1/2); did I help cause the anxiety she suffers from by being 'too open' about what adoption is and her story (always gently told, always in a postive way) as someone has insinuated.....DD1 'old' beyond years and hyper-intelligent - understood adoption more at age 4 than friends 7 year old... so 'story book' ideas about adoption a la A Mother For Choco were not going to continue to cut it!
Personally suspect DD1s OCD and obsessive tendencies, learning difficulties, sensory problems etc have a hell of a lot more to do with early institutionalisation and RAD than me telling her her life story....

If they build a fantasy version will it erode naturally (and painlessly) or is it better to try to chip it away as you see it appear.

... off to hunt for magic wand.....

(and to plot answer to 'why did you adopt, couldn't you have your own' from random acquaintances. Thinking of countering with 'why did you get pregnant - too horny to use birth control?' but wondering if that would be a bit too acid and nasty?)

The answer to your last question is "she/he IS my own"...

DrSpouse is right, adopted children ARE your own. I've ignored BMs begging for money. Now she's bleating about having surgery soon, nothing life threatening. Meanwhile my lovely Mum has had an endoscopy and there is a growth in her oesophagus. I'm staying positive that it's benign.
I know adoption is much more complicated that it was when I was a baby. I think that no contact with BPs is best whilst you're raising children. My parents didn't have the dilemmas that you Mums do. Things don't always change for the best.

MrsHappyBee yep, I can totally see that happening with our DS' birth mum - but because we have contact now, we are hoping we'll bypass the "my birth mum lives in a fairytale castle in a land far away and she'd buy me everything I want and not make me go to bed" - because he'll know what she's like from very young.

I have sort of been in a situation like this as a nurse sw came in all things in place for adoption of a baby birn addicted to drugs when he left he said see u next year love an oddly enough he near enough a year later we were in same situation.
mum drug addicted in fact 20 mins after delivery she was outside smoking pot no concern for child .

I can imagine its so hard for you familys who adopt but trust me you are all doing a brilliant job and I wish you all the best of luck xxx

Oh, I know she's mine all right - through and through and despite the hysterical screaming on Saturday that I am not her real mum anyway and X isn't her real sister. Seems to be the weapon of choice at the moment when she isn't getting her own way.

But I do, deep down, really, really, really want to make that comment just for really offensive shock value it will deliver to someone who deserves it ;)

((( ))) MrsHappyBee your mum gets good results.