I read this today 'How adopting an angelic five-year-old blew our family apart', it's in the daily mail but I felt it was interesting to ask what could have been done differently and by whom?

[Italiangreyhound]

I read this today 'How adopting an angelic five-year-old blew our family apart', it's in the daily mail but I felt it was interesting to ask what could have been done differently and by whom?

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-554769/How-adopting-angelic-year-old-blew-family-apart.html

Sorry if this article is upsetting for anyone, it is not posted for that reason. Just looking for comments and ideas on how things could be done differently, and hopefully are done differently in some places.

Hey Buster, we have fought long and hard for support post adoption. Our DS has had virtually weekly sessions of Theraplay since he joined us, but with a SS, not an officially trained Therapist. This has had no effect on his behaviours and tbh, all he saw it as was a chance to play with no boundaries and get treats? We have now finally been told that DS will receive official Theraplay and family therapy via CAMHS so we keep our fingers crossed.
As you all say - trust your instincts as it's a long hard battle to be listened to by professionals and believed by those closer to home.

It's interesting that an old thread can still have some relevant factors.

Best wishes to all and hugs to Buster and your boy.

We're in stage 1 of adopting. The prep groups were full of these stories, horrific for the children (terrifying for the potential adopters). Surely this isn't the "normal" experience?

What do you mean by normal ?

I think that about 60% of adopted children have moderate difficulties, 20% have no significant problems and 20% have severe problems .

Choco I'm not sure there's any such thing as normal! All children waiting for adoption have suffered loss and rejection. Many have suffered abuse and trauma too. As an adoptive parent you need to be able to cope with how this might manifest itself in your child's behaviour.

Adopting my DD was the best thing I have ever done, she is gorgeous and wonderful and loving but always at the back of mind is the knowledge that she will always need more loving, more support, more care, more time, more patience than a 'normal' (knowing no such thing as 'normal' actually exists) child because of the crap she had to deal with before she came to me.

I'm sure you are going into the adoption process with your eyes open. There are some horror stories around, and in my limited experience the social workers certainly share lots of the worst case scenarios with you at the prep stage. But this is because they have to. As an adoptive parent you have to be prepared to acknowledge the potential 'worsts' that might arise. They might never happen but if they do you've got to be able to cope with them.

From other adoptive families I know I would say the best thing you can do for your child is acknowledge their adoption and the impact this might have on them now or in the future. The worst thing you can do is shut your eyes and cross your fingers and kind of hope it never comes up.

I would say I have been really lucky with my adoption experience. I think and hope my DD would say the same but this is not to gloss over the fact there have been lots (and lots) of times when it has been really bloody hard and I have cursed the inadequate adults who let my daughter down, made her anxious, scared and hypervigilant, made her unable to sleep on her own for fear of what might happen, made her scared of loud noises, made her wonder if she really deserved to be loved, and who still continue to have a negative impact on my gorgeous girl long after they have been removed from her life.

Adoption is wonderful and joyous and fulfilling (hopefully for both parents and child). Yes be prepared for the worst but make time to enjoy the best too. There will be lots of best times, even in the darkest moments. Best of luck with it all.

I use the word normal very loosely but probably expanding to say not so common/extreme experiences as that in the article would have been better. Thanks for sharing your experience.

poppystellar excellent post.

Choco, my DD has moderate issues. You'd never know though. It means we parent her a bit differently than we would have done otherwise, but that's it. That means other people judge us, but they can piss off. It took us a while to figure out what works, but for now she's thriving. She's happy, we're happy, she's a delight and I adore her.

My point being that even when there are issues, they're not necessarily the horror you imagine. But they could be and you do need to have your eyes open, not least because if your eyes are wide open you're far more likely to be able to avoid/mitigate some of the problems.

Eyes wide open is definitely the key, and having shoulders of steel to deal with others opinions. As Kewcumber says, the 'Oh they all do that' people are infuriating but that will always be the case sadly.
We went through the adoption training and rightly so, they do show you worst case scenarios. And luckily for us, because of it, felt prepared as we could be for it.

Our DS does have quite extreme issues, including RAD and I really can relate to the original article that this thread refers to. I've seen some posts here about the gap between the adopters expectations and the reality. Let's be honest, we all want to be happy, so I suppose there is expectation in that, but we also have to be aware that life throws crap at you. Especially if you choose to adopt which as we know is not the 'conventional' way to have children. Therefore bringing up an adopted child is not 'conventional' either.

Our precious little boy does not trust, is ridiculously hyper vigilant, controls, manipulates and goes into fight or freeze mode when he feels under attack. Both at home and school. He is registered disabled due to his behaviours and has a full statement and full-time key-worker at school. All of which has happened because we have fought tooth and nail.
None of it is an easy ride, all of it so worth while as we get to watch this little scared boy slowly grow into a more confident and happy child.
He has so far to go, as do we, with many 'new' problems ahead but we made that choice, he did not.

Anyone in the early stages of adoption, do go in with some expectations, otherwise what's the point in life? We have to have hope in everything we do. But do not go in blinkered because it's bloody hard work.
xxx

Agreed MrsH. We were not prepared with our expectations, not one bit. We had no training at all, before, during or after. So we weren't informed of any 'horror stories', went into this completely in the dark.
The word 'attachment' meant nothing to me. Even now, because of how compliant our boy is a lot of his issues are overlooked. I think for new adopters, quite sadly so, you have to be prepared to really chase and hassle people for help. That is what I've found in my experience. Over two years in, and we still haven't received any of this, but we are hopefully on the cusp of receiving some sort of help soon. Also, don't doubt yourself (easy for me to say when I still do!) many will try to play down any issues as so many of you have mentioned 'they all do that' gets really old, and irritating.

High Five back Tldr ! definitely will keep a note of those thereaplays mentioned Kew, and thank you Italian :)